An Ode to Aligning With Your Natural Skills

Natural skills

An excerpt from Atomic Habits by James Clear:

Habits are easier to perform, and more satisfying to stick with, when they align with your natural inclinations and abilities. You want to play a game where the odds are in your favor. Embracing this strategy requires the acceptance of the simple truth that people are born with different abilities. Some people don’t like to discuss this fact. On the surface, your genes seem to be fixed, and it’s no fun to talk about things you cannot control. The areas where you are genetically predisposed to success are the areas where habits are more likely to be satisfying. The key is to direct your effort toward areas that both excite you and match your natural skills, to align your ambition with your ability.

This paragraph got me nodding away.

We all believe hard work can get us anywhere. It does, to a limit. If we are not naturally talented in what we are doing, more effort is required. But how much effort is too much? When do we stop? This requires some self-awareness. As the famous adage goes, “You cannot judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree.” No matter how much you believe “I will learn to fly one day,” it is physically impossible, even if you practice for hours on end flapping your arms, thinking your hard work will pay off one day.

Consider my case. I am not particularly good at math. I can solve problems, but it takes more time than average. My strengths are my patience and determination, which almost always help me figure out a solution. If I were to start a career in finance (which I did once upon a time), I would have been a disaster due to my dislike for numbers. Currently, I have made my financial life more manageable by outsourcing money-related decisions to experts. Instead, I took up a job that rewarded my problem-solving skills, irrespective of how long it took me to discover a solution. My work is challenging, but since it naturally aligns with what I am good at, there is considerably less friction. As a result, I am happier doing what I do. 

Acknowledging your limitations shouldn’t be treated as a failure. On the contrary, it’s more energy-efficient to align with your natural skills and play to your strengths instead of moving far away from them. You need not over-stress yourself with things that do not seem to improve, no matter how hard you try. Maybe there is something else you are naturally good at.

I read that as kids, BTS members V and Jung Kook experimented in different fields to understand their aptitude. Their parents encouraged it. Both eventually chose music. Afterward, when V had a stress-related emotional meltdown, his father told him it was okay to come back home. “We can find something else you’re good at,” he said. However, V persisted because he didn’t want to disappoint his family. Those words of encouragement meant a lot to him. It made him realize that even if he quit, he could sail through. But not everyone is like V (or his parents).

I honestly feel we should be told it is okay to give up and try out other things when the time comes so we don’t get stuck in a depressing rut. Not everything in life can be achieved with hard work. And that’s okay.

***

Photo by Pok Rie

An Ode to Paving Your Own Paradise

An Ode to Paving Your Own Paradise

I went on the road that I was told not to take,

I did things I was told not to do,

I wanted things I couldn’t want, I got hurt and hurt again;

You can call me stupid, then I’ll just smile

I don’t wanna succeed by doing things I don’t wanna do.

Wings by BTS

I came across the above verse by RM (kindly translated by a Reddit user), and it made me think of my own life decisions. The words resonated with me a lot – taking the path that isn’t the norm because it feels right. It could be a path filled with mistakes, it could be stupid or nonsensical, ridiculed by others, but it does not matter because the path is authentically mine.

I went against the tide when I was young and still am – living as a 40-year-old single woman in a society that emphasizes marriage and having a family is not for the faint-hearted. I am bang in the center of all the guilt-tripping and moral policing, but I still am going strong because there is no other way I would have it.

There are other things I do that aren’t considered ideal, like not being ambitious or wanting to race to the top. I am generally content in life. The new world requires you to be on your toes, aiming for the best always, and be in a constant state of restlessness. That streak was missing in me since childhood. I enjoy the slow life and the calmness and peace that it entails. I knew doing anything else could only result in me being unhappy.

How do we stay true to ourselves when the world wants us to go the opposite way?

They tell you not to live your life through your feelings, but that’s how I have been till now. I do not get into something half-hearted just because it is the norm. It may or may not seem like the best way for others, but it sure as well keeps me sane. It took me a long time to accept this side of me – I spent more than 30 years thinking something was wrong with how I felt. Considering I’m in my 40s, that’s a very short period of me feeling a sense of normalcy.

Don’t do that to yourself. And don’t let anyone make you spend more than 75% of your life thinking you are “weird” or “out of place” or an alien. Your feelings are valid. I don’t think people realize this when they are young because we are competitive and constantly comparing ourselves to others. But over time, you will realize there is only one authentic, wholesome, happy way to live your life – and that’s yours.

Ending with a beautiful song by BTS, titled Paradise. It’s a lyrical video, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the words of motivation:

It’s alright to stop

You don’t need to run without knowing why

It’s alright to not have any dreams

If you have moments where you can feel happiness

It’s alright to stop

Don’t run without knowing where you’re going anymore

It’s alright not to have any dreams

All of the air you breathe out is already paradise

***

Photo by Gabriel Hohol

An Ode to Playful Adults

Playful Adult

I am a new k-entertainment fan. I have started bingeing kdramas, kpop, kceleb interviews, and variety shows. I adore BTS and absolutely love all the members. As someone in her 40s, I am not ashamed to be a fan, though many people think k-entertainment is primarily for young adults. I feel art and music transcend all generations, and everyone, irrespective of age, should be able to enjoy creativity in all forms.

One thing that strikes me, especially in BTS, is how playful even the eldest member (Jin) is. That got me thinking – why don’t we see more adults being playful? Almost every adult you see has a serious, practically poker-faced sense of humor. They express their happiness less and worry more. I find it true in India, where I live, but I am sure it’s a practice across the globe. Probably because we relate seriousness with maturity. The more serious you look, the more mature you are considered to be.

Why can’t we be playful as we age instead of becoming no-nonsense adults?

Why do we have to lose our childlike qualities when we grow up?

Why can’t we look at the world with the same curiosity and wide-eyed wonder?

Most of these questions have one answer: life experiences. What we go through in life tends to sober us down and take some of that effervescent energy away. I look at my posts and realize how I have become more serious over the years. I kind of miss the younger, quirkier me. Friends who had the most incredible sense of humor have mellowed due to the pressure that age brings with it. When older people say that school and college offer the best days of your life, they mean it – you get to enjoy things with abandon when you are young. “Maturity” is a sham that can drain that enthusiasm away – we smile less, joke even less, and constantly worry about what the future will behold.

Another reason is society. People expect you to be serious and leave your childlike qualities behind when you turn older; otherwise, you’re deemed immature. It does not matter if you do your duties meticulously and perform all your responsibilities. If you project any playful traits, you are looked at with judgment.

Blessed are those, in my opinion, who get to retain their childlike playfulness in this world that tends to be a spoilsport. The ability to joke around, laugh wholeheartedly many times a day, and find happiness in the smallest things is a skill that many of us would do better to possess. Such qualities make the world a happier place to live in, for our own selves and the people around us.

So, to people who bring joy to those around them with their playful antics, instead of preaching, “Be more mature. This is not the age for such things,” I would like to say, “Please stay the same! You bring joy just the way you are.”

***

Photo by Godisable Jacob

How Online Interactions Improved My Social Behavior

I was a timid youngster. Shy and introverted. You can say even socially anxious. When guests arrived, I would run and lock myself up in my bedroom. I was not interested in common courtesy or formalities. Many mistook it for arrogance or rudeness. Looking back at it, I feel this behavior stemmed from insecurity. I was not confident with the way I looked.

Till my pre-adolescent days, I was a cute kid. I was pampered, received compliments, and always got attention. This changed once I became a teenager. I had the thickest prescription glasses, and my complexion changed from white (coveted by most Indians) to a dusky brown. I also lost my cute chubbiness along the way because my appetite had died, making me a lanky young woman. Not the kind that got attention or compliments, but the kind who was frequently mocked.

The people around me also ensured I knew I wasn’t as eye-pleasing as before. I got comments like, “She was so cute as a kid,” making it evident that they were dissatisfied with my current imagery. I was given medications to increase my appetite, so I could restore some of my lost glory. I despised the medicines and eventually stopped taking them.

I was continuously told to become more outgoing like my sibling, a far more attractive personality. How could I when I did not have the confidence? From a bubbly kid, I became more withdrawn, lost in my own world, finding solace in books and songs. I thought if I stayed away from people, I wouldn’t disappoint them, and they wouldn’t hurt me either.

It was during my late teenage years that I stumbled upon the online world. I had just gotten access to the internet at home. I was mesmerized by the sea of opportunities that opened up to me. The plus being I could hide behind a screen and avoid being judged for my looks or my introversion. It felt like a less judgemental world. Back then, it was. Social media platforms did not exist, and people were not spewing hatred at each other.

One fine day, I happened to chance upon a public chat platform for youngsters. Word was going around in school that it was a fun group. I jumped on the bandwagon, curious to know what it was like. It was where I finally found my voice.

I am not sure if it was the comfort of facelessness or the fact that there was no pretty privilege involved that did the trick of helping me get out of my shell. In the online world, only your persona is seen. Your thoughts, your emotions become the highlights. That’s what I put forth in my chats with random strangers. All messages were posted publicly, and people could tag you and respond to them. It was safe and secure since it was a closed group where creeps were promptly banned or blocked. Due vigilance is required when you chat with strangers, and the group moderators ensured it was a safe space for everyone.

Talking in the group was like having a big group discussion. And for the first time in my life, I felt I was a part of something. People were engaging with my words. They found me interesting. They laughed at my jokes. I was the center of attention. Something I thought I would never be again.

The interactions were a stepping stone in my life and contributed to my change in attitude. It gave me confidence that even if my looks are against me, I have what it takes to engage someone. It was a slow but sure climb from then on.

The universe works in a funny way. As soon as I gained confidence, I started making friends. I even started to look better. I was and will always be introverted and never be the party starter or the energetic go-getter, but I learned how to deal with people. I am at my most confident at the moment, but it has been a long, steady ride to get there.

The impact of online interactions has been anything but inconsequential in my life. It helped me realize I was much more than what people offline gave me credit for.

An Ode to the Things That Make Me Smile

Happy Bubble Bath Smiles

Recently, I came across an article that said Japan has forgotten how to smile. The culprit being COVID-19 masking. When you wear a mask, you can forego formalities and skip smiling. Apparently, the Japanese continued this habit even after masking rules were relaxed.

As Japan gradually lifts its mask mandate, the nation grapples with the aftermath of prolonged mask usage. In response, “smile practice seminars” have surfaced nationwide to address the reported loss of smiles among the population.

indiatimes.com

While reading this article, something struck me out of the blue. I opened my phone gallery and scrolled through the pictures. I realized my recent photos did not show me smiling. I kept staring at them, livid that I had overlooked this obvious change. I had a poker-faced expression in almost all images, which wasn’t the case pre-covid.

I now have to consciously make it a point to smile for photos. It takes effort.

However, some things seem to instantly light my soul up, irrespective of whether it shows up on my face:

  • When someone remembers something I said ages ago
  • Warm smiles from strangers while shopping
  • Words with the power to tug heartstrings
  • Watching an uplifting movie on Friday night after a long, tiring week
  • Enjoying a good book in my bed on a Sunday afternoon
  • Immersing in music at night, lights off, with no distractions
  • Wandering outdoors aimlessly with an ice cream in hand
  • Comfortable silences
  • Peace
  • Warm bubble baths
  • Being around animals
  • Conversations that flow
  • Showing and receiving gratitude
  • Warm hugs and forehead kisses
  • Empathy and kindness

I am sure there are more.

It’s when you note down the small joys in life do you realize most of life’s prized gifts are things that cannot be bought with money. Things that rejuvenate and keep you sane. When I am down, I know I can rely on these items on my feel-good list to bring my mood back up.

Life happens, with all its challenges and unpredictability. Still, we should never let go or overlook things that light our souls up. Those bytes of sunshine might just be our medicine, the sure-shot solution that can help us regain a smile lost in the rubble of uncertainty that life often throws our way.

***

Photo by cottonbro studio

Is Comfort Zone a Place or an Emotion?

Is comfort zone a place or an emotion?
Photo by Pixabay

We are often encouraged to venture out of our comfort zones, push our boundaries and limits, and embrace the unknown. People say that’s where the real growth happens. I concur. Subjecting ourselves to new experiences is a sure-shot way to fuel personal development. Having a routine in place may or may not be detrimental, depending on the kind of person you are. Some people crave a time-tabled life, whereas others need a change every minute of the day.

We often try to stretch our comfort zones by altering our lives, such as starting a new job, relocating, trying novel exercises, or exploring new locations. These are primarily physical adjustments — you cajole your body into taking up these unaccustomed, exciting external goals to nourish your soul. But what about internal comfort zones? Are we open-minded enough to set aside the prejudices we have collected subconsciously over the years?

Mental transformation is unarguably more challenging than physical. Any change starts with the mind, even the physical. Encouraging yourself to expand your corporeal boundaries is often more fruitful than attempting to alter your thought process. It takes determination to discard years of conditioning, escape the chains of our preconceived notions, and declare, “Okay, I see and acknowledge this new way of living, even if it’s unfamiliar territory.” Personally, I find such people incredibly attractive. Their willingness to listen is commendable and praise-worthy. Yet, we don’t see it happen much.

Why are some people more flexible than others when it comes to accepting new ideas and ways of life, welcoming them wholeheartedly as if they were privy to this knowledge all along?

I would like to highlight one sector in particular to make my point: the Hindi movie industry. It is intriguing to observe how professionals evolve to keep up with the changing times. In the Indian series Gulmohar, an effervescent Sharmila Tagore, a senior citizen, plays a character that most in her cohort would have found blasphemous. Similarly, the iconic Madhuri Dixit portrays a determined mother in Maja Ma, traditional in some facets yet unconventional in others. A role many of her peers would have been unwilling to take on. Among the male actors, we have the young multifaceted Ayushmann Khurrana, renowned for taking up any daring character that comes his way. We have actors and actresses across age groups willing to change with the times. But these are just the minority. Most are reluctant to play characters who belong to the LGBTQIA+ community. Ranbir Kapoor, who’s within my age demographic, admitted in an interview a while back, during Shamshera‘s promotions, that he’s not brave enough to take up such roles.

Moving out of our emotional comfort zones is not age-dependent, as you can see. It requires a willingness to listen, understand, and acknowledge.

It is common to find friends and relatives who struggle to accept new ways of the world with its pressing issues simply because they find them unrelatable. They deny support despite knowing our backing may prove meaningful or pertinent to the intended group.

The most humane thing one can do is listen to the experiences and feelings of others and try to see things from their perspective without being judgmental. To sit with others’ thoughts for a while takes courage.

Sexuality is only one example. This rigidity in perceptions can be observed in a variety of scenarios. Conservatives look down upon women who wear clothes they consider vulgar. Feminists are thrashed because they are non-conformists. Men who display their emotions openly are often criticized by their peers and seen as inadequate to cope with daily tasks. Husbands who love PDA are called “hen-pecked.” We just have to take a look around to see the plethora of preconceived notions everyone, including you and I, are harboring.

The morality or behavioral police who preach righteousness are often people who have achieved much professional success in their respective fields by taking risks and boldly venturing beyond the boundaries of their concisely defined comfort zones. However, many refuse to embrace new lifestyles or cultural norms that challenge their convictions and emotional comfort. It is ironic to see them share inspirational videos about exceeding boundaries on social media when they themselves are not entirely free from the clutches of their comfort zones.

Sometimes it’s difficult to move away from what we have accepted so far as it’s an emotional state that we don’t want to let go of. Humans love their comfort zones — whether they be emotional or physical. An object at rest wants to continue being at rest. This theory is not just applicable physically but mentally as well. The discomfort of new fights, marches, debates, terminologies, laws, thoughts, and social media agitations build up our rage and make us criticize how the world is over-sensitive nowadays. Things are changing way too fast, and we can’t seem to keep up. It is overwhelmingly complex, and understandably so.

But whoever said we should accept the new all at once? Take it one at a time. Baby steps. Sit with the new, try to detach from the old, get acquainted with unfamiliar thoughts, ask questions (but kindly), and ruminate for a while. Give yourself time, as you deserve kindness too, to slowly break away from things you have treated as “home” until now.

But accept we should, if not immediately, maybe sometime in the future. To be a kinder person, less judgmental, and empathetic — traits that highlight growth as well. Acknowledging that change is a constant part of life and adapting to new ideas, beliefs, and perspectives is essential to becoming a well-rounded individual.

Shouldn’t we make a concerted effort to step outside our familiar settings, both in terms of our mindset and physical actions? Something to ponder as we continue to navigate the ever-changing world around us.