A Review of My Annual Performance Review

My Review of Annual Performance Reviews
Photo by mentatdgt

After all the non-stop cribbing about my performance reviews and facing severe anxiety due to them for the last two years, I am relieved to announce that I did not get any bad reviews this year. So far, anyway. My anxiety is always on the lookout for some bad news, so it is with some apprehension that I open my inbox each day. Probably my anxiety might last till the end of this year.

Things that might have contributed to some relief this time around:

  1. Regular feedback sessions – I made it a point to seek constructive feedback from my manager regularly. I did not wait for him to provide it to me.
  2. Asking more questions – I realized I should be digging deeper into what they wanted so I could help myself. Asking more questions was the way to go.
  3. Pushing myself – I was a nervous wreck after the last performance review. So I had to shift my mindset from my default self-pity mode to learning mode to make way for improvements.
  4. Better management – The manager did better this time. He was good at providing constructive feedback immediately after a task was completed.

If you get a bad annual performance review, try the above approach before completely giving up on the company. It hurts quite a bit when your work isn’t appreciated. Your first impulse might be to quit the company but take any feedback with an open mind, see if the remarks are legit, and work towards implementing them.

I think a part of me was waiting for this performance review to check if my best was good enough for my company, based on which I would have redefined my future plans. There’s no point moving forward if your employer cannot see the hard work you put into your projects. You can work all you want, as hard as possible, but if your employers turn a blind eye or start criticizing every little thing you do, all your effort is wasted. It is one of the main reasons why I feel a constructive work environment should be given precedence over money: getting more money does not always guarantee more happiness. You need a non-toxic environment to function to your best capacity. Money is essential, yes. We are not working for charity. But the side effects shouldn’t be loss of sleep, unending stress, and depleted family time.

Getting back to positive performance reviews, you would want your boss to know you are completely involved in your work, so you may have to speak to them often. Ask them doubts, questions, and share suggestions, even if you aren’t in dire need to get them answered. If there’s nothing to say, dig deeper. There’s always something to discuss, however major or minor it is. The point is to be as proactive as you can. Take the first step in getting things done. Getting work done silently is undervalued in most companies (sadly for us introverts), and putting on a show is the need of the hour. Unless your manager is as understanding as Adam Grant, you wouldn’t need all these tips, but the reality is something else.

Even though you can manage things independently, your boss also requires validation for their work, so give that opportunity to them – make them feel involved. Sometimes, it takes a slight shift in our own approach toward work to change our current company to the dream company we’ve always wished for. It is more or less like a relationship; you and the company must make an equal effort. So this year, I want to tap myself on the back for not giving up, coming out with a plan to better my work, trying out a different approach, and checking patiently for outcomes and feedback with an open mind. My motivation doesn’t come from money; it comes from my work being valued. Being a single, unmarried woman, I do not have many responsibilities, so I can do away with chasing money. Yes, money is a great plus, but more compensation means nothing if we are disrespected or overworked.

Being a Loner in an Extroverted World

Photo by RF._.studio

I have always been a private person, much to the chagrin of my friends.

In distress, as far as possible, I prefer to process my situation without involving a second person. Venting and ranting bring relief to many, but I regain my composure by pondering over my issues – the ifs, buts, and whys. Of course, this is not always healthy because I end up bottling my emotions and eventually bursting like a volcano.

I have lost friends or faced misunderstandings because people could not understand my introversion. I was never rude to anyone, but I simply could not find the energy to pick up the phone and keep in touch. This would upset those who expected more from me and wished to be in sync with my private life. Being a single woman, everyone is curious to know whom I’m dating, why I’m dating him, and what my future plans are with him. I find this intrusive, even if well-intentioned. Maybe I have no future plans with him, but would they understand that? Mostly no. To add to that, I never found the need to discuss my life events, scrutinize them, or share every little info with friends. I find the process exhausting and find it difficult to manage many friends as I get older. I am good as long as I have one listening, non-judging ear. Yes, even we loners wish to be heard sometimes.

In friendship, I realize that communicating regularly helps build a deep connection. This is why extroverts have many close friends. Keeping in touch comes naturally to them. The more friends they have and the more socializing they do, the more fulfilled they feel. Loners, like me, prefer to have that one good friend, with whom we can talk without restraint. We want to invest our energy wisely without draining out. This may give us an impression of aloofness as we are not actively seeking new friends.

What I find uncomfortable about discussing my life is that most would expect a follow-up story. If timely updates are not shared, questions arise. It is why numerous anonymous posts asking for advice are seen on Reddit. There are issues you are wary of telling your friends and family, no matter how close you are to them. You want to talk about them, but without the responsibility of being answerable to anyone in the future. I don’t have a problem sharing my life events, but it’s the questions thereafter I have an issue with – because you never know when they will stop.

My hesitation is not entirely inherent. I cannot put the whole blame on nature. It is part contrived as well. Experience has taught me that some things are better left unspoken. Recently, I let go of my inhibitions and, in a state of vulnerability, told a few friends at a party about my brother-in-law’s infidelity. I was feeling disoriented and needed someone to confide in desperately. I regret it now because what I did in the process of revealing something private was enable my friends to openly judge my sibling’s life, probably till the end of time. My brother-in-law and sister sorted out their problems, but the judgments did not stop. It is difficult to forgive and forget a terrible event in your life when there’s someone constantly reminding you about it. “My brother-in-law took my sister out for dinner.” “Oh, is it? (smirks and eye-rolling ensue)“. After facing the judgments, you hesitate to share your issues if you know there’s a remote chance that the situation might improve later. And what happens when you stop talking about such intimate parts of your life? Friendships become stale.

Self-reliance can be a boon as it teaches you to be independent, but it’s a bane if you wish to establish a solid network. I love to keep to myself most of the time but also love sharing ideas. These conflicting interests can prove overwhelming at times.

I sometimes envy extroverts. They come fully equipped into a world exclusively built for them. While they start life from ground zero, introverts have to start from minus 10. Introverts reach ground zero sometime later in life when they begin to understand the art of faking extroversion. Being an introvert, socializing never came easy. I have now learned to put up a façade of extroversion to please the people I love and work with, but I end up exhausted by the end of the day. I would wait to get back home and be myself. Finding a partner, who gets my true self, is difficult. They usually fall for the extroverted side I reserve for the world and back off as soon as they learn I am not all that. I have been called “weird” for not liking parties and being quiet. But now I am in a space where I get the solitude I need and a partner who is comfortable with my solitude.

According to Susan Cain’s Quiet, most introverts develop this dual personality to keep up with the extroverted world around them. Society expects them to be outgoing, jovial, and giving – such energy consumers for the quiet. It might be impossible for an extrovert to understand how much energy goes into socializing because mingling comes naturally to them. When the whole world is geared towards extroversion in all forms of life, an introvert has no choice but to conform and act as if they fit right in.

That Time of the Year Again…

Photo by Ylanite Koppens

My annual performance review is around the corner. And I wonder what surprise they have in store for me this time around.

If you have been following my blog, you would know that my last two performance reviews did not go well. It was a bit of a surprise to hear the managers say what they did, because at no point during the year did I receive any feedback from them. My mind automatically deduced “no feedback” as “good feedback.” But that wasn’t the case.

I am not sure what I would face this year, but I could do without the anxiety. I can only think, why can’t companies make appraisal time easier? The stress comes only when you’re given no clue about your performance.

Right now, all I can do to calm myself down is utter the golden words, “I tried my best.”

So will things be favorable this time, or am I in for a nasty surprise again?

Stay tuned.

Fading Friendships

Photo by Rodrigo Souza

Being an introvert, I often find it challenging to make friends easily. By the time I become comfortable with someone, I’m branded an arrogant snob. There is no win-win here. This was true as a youngster and even more so as an adult. The only difference is that new friendships are more challenging for grown-up introverts. As we socialize less than before, our social circles become negligible. By our 30s or 40s, we are too busy with work to care about anything else.

It also hurts when a friendship is falling apart.

Sometimes, after a period of time, you realize you and some of your friends are no longer compatible. You laugh at different jokes; you start taking an interest in different topics and don’t like talking about the same things anymore.

We move on, evolve, and so does our friendship with the people around us.

I remember making bitchy friends when I was in a gossiping phase.

I remember making sweet friends when I was in a vulnerable state.

Some of us bond over the uplifting, enriching positives, whereas some share a fun camaraderie maliciously giggling over the sinful negatives.

The universe gifts us with different kinds of friends during different seasons. The caveat being these seasons are exclusively yours. Each season can be as long or short as your destiny allows them to be. And it is rare that a friend sticks through it all. When you are in summer and in need of light, love, and passion, your friend might be in winter, in need of subtlety, distance, and introspection. There might come a point in the future when you both are summers, or you both are winters. But life is too short to wait for that perfect harmonious season because it might never even arrive.

Over time, I realized I was just not comfortable gossiping and backbiting just for the sake of maintaining a friendship. I was a part of a group (let’s call it The Umbridges) who would say the meanest things about the people they didn’t like – unwarranted comments related to looks, character, and lifestyle. I was no saint. I used to enjoy it tremendously back then. But when I reached my 30s, I couldn’t do it all the time anymore. It didn’t feel right, the gang didn’t feel right, and being in this group of friends felt.. suffocating. I didn’t want to hear any of their nasty jibes. It was obvious to me that the amount of bitching we were doing was not healthy. It felt like I was on Twitter 24×7.

I now wonder if this need for a break from The Umbridges was new or if it was always buried within me, waiting for the right time to surface. Eventually, it did surface, and I started keeping a distance from friends who didn’t feel right for me.

Then they started keeping their distance as well (rightfully so).

The Umbridges slowly started fading. A mere ghost of its previous version. Now the friendship is limited to birthday or festival wishes, casual exchanges, and social media comments.

I feel at peace with this change.

But I also feel sad.

Because no matter how wrong someone was for you or how toxic, you miss the connection it gave you at one point in life. That connection meant something then, though it feels tiresome now. The word “connection” usually has a positive ring to it. But it can exclusively stem from negativity (gossip, backbiting, complaining) or positivity (encouragement, care, good humor). Both can be equally addictive. You often move on from this addiction, but you never forget the feelings you experienced at that point. You were genuine, and you gave it your best.

All types of connections are hard to let go of.

I remember a friend forlornly telling a younger, bitchier me that she didn’t want to gossip with me anymore about anyone as she felt terrible about it. I didn’t understand that emotion then, but now I do. I understand this feeling of desperation that prompts you to stop talking negatively. I cannot describe the feeling in words. It is akin to getting your supply of clean air disrupted, and now you desperately want it back.

You realize sometimes friendships need to fade for you to sprout back to life, to start afresh. You also realize it is going to be that more difficult to find new friends because your social circle diminishes as you age and your affinity for small talk reduces. As a kid, all it took was a new class or a walk to the park to find new friends and initiate a fresh beginning without egos or dozen trepidations coming in between. Now, the best we can do is roll around in bed, sighing and hoping that one day we will find someone, anyone, to share a deep connection with – a friend after our own heart.