An Ode to My Failed Love Stories

Love, for me, has always been complicated. As a youngster, I always thought my first love would be for keeps. That the first kiss meant the deal was sealed forever, and the relationship was locked in for life. But real life is not a movie. It is definitely not a fairy tale. Different plans were charted out by forces beyond my control. Plans that would, at times, suck the soul out of me.

I have had the privilege of experiencing intense, passionate, illogical romance. The type that makes you forget the world around you and causes you to stutter and act foolish in your partner’s presence. It nudges you to write cheesy poems and bestow embarrassing gifts. You go to great lengths for the person to ensure they understand the value you bring to their life. The type of love where the self merges with the other and all boundaries and individualities diminish. On the flip side, the sort of young, inexperienced affection that cajoles you into tolerating mistreatment or disrespect and threatens you to compromise on your values just so you would stay confined to that perpetual dark zone. Your mind conveniently wants you to romanticize your forgiveness. “These things happen in love,” it protests, and you continue to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

These love stories of mine never (thankfully) lasted.

An ex once told me it’s better to be in a relationship with someone who loves you more than you love them. It acts as an effective self-preservation mechanism. When you are neck-deep in love, you kind of understand this theory. Minor disagreements tend to hurt, even if your partner is not at fault. Too much love can suffocate you. What else would explain us becoming overwhelmed by our own emotions to the point of no return? But how much is too much love? That’s subjective.

Deep love can often hurt because the level of emotional involvement is more. To step back and think logically is implausible, especially when all you want to do is cling to the person for dear life and unabashedly consume any space that exists between the two of you. It may be why many of us hang on to toxic love because, in a way, we are addicted to the person. Our love-struck system cannot tolerate being apart from the one we adore, even if we know the person is detrimental to our health. We longingly look out for our next “dose.”

Experience teaches you that some level of detachment is required to preserve your self-respect. You cannot merge yourself with your partner so fully that you lose your common sense along the way. “Follow your heart, but take your brain with you” is the new mantra. If you ignore this life hack, you lose.

Love has the power to keep you in a chokehold. All the chemicals in your body work harmoniously to prevent you from escaping this sea of love that, at times, is more adamant about drowning you than keeping you afloat. “You need them,” your mind justifies. “You won’t be able to survive without them.” Sometimes, you wonder why your own system is working against you. Why can’t it produce fewer chemicals and give your brain a chance to defog at least twice a day so you get some leeway to make rational decisions?

Often, some intensity imbalance is required to balance a relationship. Ironical, isn’t it? It’s never 50-50. Fighting for that 50-50 is when the balance goes haywire. Your whole focus is on whether equality is being maintained. A 40-60 is good enough, where each partner is mature enough to take the lower percentage of the deal, depending on the situation. But maturity is scarce, often leading to one partner compromising more than the other, accumulating bitterness in the long run.

I am in a proper healthy relationship at the moment, which feels different. Does he love me more than I love him? I am not sure. It feels equal. But less intense than any of the previous ones. It feels more mature, where things are discussed rationally, and no disrespect or insults are thrown generously into the air. We talk like proper adults with our negative emotions in check. For someone so used to an overflow of feelings, war of words, and flurry of insults, this silent, peaceful lull feels refreshing.

I can’t help but wonder if age and experience have a role to play in how he and I feel. He confided in me that he used to have no control over his words or emotions in his 20s. He used to be an angry young man, possessive, and naive. This contrasts with his current version, a wise man humbled by his own life experiences. It may be why “first love” is unique. Our emotions are intense in our formative years, and age has a way of watering them down. It is not that the love we experience later in life isn’t true. It becomes more guarded because you subconsciously filter your emotions through the lenses of your previous relationships. You learn your lessons, and you get better. But some of the dreamy rawness gets lost in the process.

If you are happily married to your first love, you might not relate to this post. But those who have had some failed passionate relationships would understand this feeling of being “in love” but also knowing the person isn’t right for you. The agony ends up changing you and even your future relationships because nothing molds you more intricately than experience. We are a sum of all the experiences we have been through, and each of us has a different journey that we have carved out on our own. It is understandable, then, why the concept of the “ideal relationship” may vary from person to person and may evolve over time. What I feel about love now is drastically different from my 20s. Earlier, I used to prioritize PDA and gifts. Nowadays, I prefer the subdued kind.

Do I miss the passion and cheesiness of my earlier relationships? Sure. But they have also taught me to step back and feel gratitude for the security and peace that comes with a healthy, respectful one.

An Ode to the Things I Am Scared Of

I feel being scared is good. It makes me feel human and relieved over the fact that none of the new-age technologies has successfully managed to kill the entirety of my emotions and turn me into a robot.

Two of the sweet somethings that technology did rob me of, though, include:

that feeling of missing people – when we are connected 24×7, where’s the time to miss?
connection (ironically) – everyone around me, young and old, is so immersed in their phones that I find it hard to reach out to them or get their undivided attention. Meaningful conversations have dwindled. One line of dialogue is followed by a quick glance at the phone. Eventually, you are distracted by some meme, TikTok, or reel that takes the magic away from the present.

Currently, in my mid-30s, I feel less scared compared to my early formative years. This might be because of added experiences or because of the dullness that adulthood brings with it. You learn to grow an invisible shield that protects you from uncomfortable experiences. But in between all that, you lose some of your vulnerability, a part of your personality that was quick to embrace things without second-guessing them. It had a charm of its own.

So here’s an ode to the things I am scared of in my mid-30s, the things that make my heart race and the hair on the back of my head stand (well, that’s a stretch, but they do make my emotional wires wonky).

losing near and dear ones – the end is inevitable. It is something we cannot control. As I age, it is frightening to know we are that much closer to the end. How painful will it be? Can’t all deaths be peaceful? Questions no one can answer.
not being able to take care of myself – by seeing the seniors around me who are heavily reliant on their kids for the slightest of things, I worry if I will ever reach a stage where I won’t be able to take care of myself, be it physically, financially, or emotionally.
running out of time – I worry if I will ever be able to do all the things I want to in this limited lifespan. Will I find time to do it all? Will I be able to go on all my bucket list travels and explore the world? Will I have the health and abundance to provide for myself and my family’s needs?
working my life away – here, I am typing all this out in between work because what if I never get enough time to write, the one thing I love doing? Imagine spending more than half of your life at your workplace, not getting to do any of the stuff you want to do to your heart’s desire because you have a home to run, tummies to fill, and many obligations and responsibilities. You are expected to work till you can’t anymore. Unfortunately, most will only get time for leisure in their old age. And by that time, it might be too late to deep-dive into everything we used to enjoy before.

It is a coincidence that most of the things I noted here concern time. But what else is more precious? Without time, we cease to function. All we crave is more time – to spend with our loved ones, to do the things we love. Only time can correctly predict your destiny. You need to live through life to see what will happen and what you will feel. Till then, it’s all talk.

Sometimes you have to let go of these thoughts. Because there are no answers. But on other occasions, I hold these thoughts dear. When I get older, these fears will probably be replaced by new ones. Till then, these emotions will work to keep me human. They will keep me sane.

An Ode to 9 Thought-Provoking Life Quotes from Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha

I recently finished Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha. The book takes you through the life of the fictional protagonist, Siddhartha, who comes from an affluent family. He is restless and dissatisfied with life and feels the need to search for enlightenment and spiritual fulfillment. He eventually finds it on his own, though the path he took to attain enlightenment is rocky and full of challenges. This story is entirely fictional and not be confused with Gautama Buddha’s story.

Personally, I found the book a bit difficult to read as the topics discussed were quite deep and complex. The language was wordy, and it interfered with my focus somewhat. However, I still found many meaningful and beautiful quotes throughout the novel. Quotes that make you think, quotes that beautifully capture the very essence of life.

Here are some of the best:

Wisdom cannot be imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else. Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, be fortified by it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.

I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.

The world is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment; every sin already carries grace in it.

The river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere, and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.

The only way to live is to accept each minute as an unrepeatable miracle.

Wherever you are, when you can sense something of the eternal in yourself and in the world, you are close to the source of all being and all knowing.

When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal.

Everyone can perform magic, everyone can reach his goals, if he is able to think, wait, and fast.

The opposite of every truth is just as true! Any truth can only be expressed and put into words when it is one-sided. Everything is one-sided which can be thought with thoughts and said with words. It is all one-sided, all just one half, all lacks completeness, roundness, oneness.

An Ode to Nonviolent Communication

Holding Hands - Nonviolent Communication

Happy to announce I am now 100% nonviolent after reading Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

I am also 100% lying.

Because, like all good things in life, NVC takes effort. And practice. Having just finished the book, I only have an idea of what to say but no practical experience.

Conflict resolution is an interesting topic to me since we have to deal with conflicts in every aspect of our lives. How can we be stern and kind at the same time? How can we get the best out of any situation? Being able to communicate effectively is an art in itself.

I have always taken away something, if not everything, from every book I’ve read – a new kind of awareness. What I took away from this one was to take a moment to step back and focus on needs instead of the more apparent negatives during an argument. It helps with forgiveness. It keeps you calm. So it’s a win-win overall.

What is NVC?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a practice that must be consciously ingrained in our daily interactions to see results. It includes letting go of your judgments and interacting with the other person to focus on each other’s needs instead of playing the blame game. We attribute violence to physical and mental abuse. But here, the author talks about negative communication as violence too. Things like incessant blaming, judging, silent treatment, and mocking all form a part of violent communication.

So here are some of the key takeaways from the book:

Focusing on needs

The four components of NVC include: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we would like to request to enrich our lives. To summarize, the two parts of NVC are 1) expressing honestly 2) receiving empathically.

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel.. because I need..”

Something you need to keep repeating to yourself whenever you are agitated. What is it that you need? Focus on each other’s primary emotion (need) instead of lashing out at each other.

Avoiding blame and judgment

Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?

The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future. So even if our present need is met in the sense that people do what we want, we will pay for it later.

Makes you think, doesn’t it? Why would someone tell you the truth if they knew they would be misunderstood or shouted at? I feel the more we make someone feel uncomfortable and “dirty” for telling us the truth, the more they will hide it the next time.

Being empathic even with people who hurt you

Blaming is easy. People are used to hearing blame; sometimes they agree with it and hate themselves – which doesn’t stop them from behaving the same way – and sometimes they hate us for calling them names – which also doesn’t stop their behavior. If we sense blame entering their mind, we may need to slow down, go back, and hear their pain for a while more.

NVC stresses hearing the other person a while longer and understanding their feelings before we put forward our requests. Such a method lets the other person relax and be in a proper frame of mind to receive and reciprocate.

Conflict Resolution

The more experience I have gained in mediating conflicts over the years and the more I’ve seen what leads families to argue and nations to go to war, the more convinced I am that most schoolchildren could solve these conflicts. If we could just say, “Here are the needs of both sides. Here are the resources. What can be done to meet these needs?,” conflicts would be easily resolved. But instead, our thinking is focused on dehumanizing one another with labels and judgments until even the simplest of conflicts becomes very difficult to solve. NVC helps us avoid that trap, thereby enhancing the chances of reaching a satisfying resolution.

Why can’t warring countries adopt this methodology, sit together, and discuss resolutions in a non-confrontational way? The world would be a more peaceful place to live in.

4 Tips for NRIs on How to Effectively Prepare for Paperwork in India and Avoid Multiple Trips

I have seen a lot of NRIs (non-resident Indians) struggling with paperwork once they land in India. They get frustrated and intimidated. It was during that point I realized I (an ex-NRI) have become accustomed to the system. Probably, because I now have a way to go about it.

This page aims to provide helpful tips for NRIs planning to do paperwork in India. It could be any paperwork or personal work related to banking, property, tax, applying for Aadhaar, PAN, etc. If you haven’t done it before or do it only once in a blue moon when you land in India, the tips provided will help.

Check if the service is available online

India is turning more digital by the day. Many services can be availed online, including opening a bank account.

By checking the availability of the service online, you can save time and avoid the frustration of the long queues at the establishment. Or even worse – finding out the service is unavailable when you arrive at the location.

Here’s how you can go about it. Before visiting a government office or bank branch, check their website or social media for information on their services. A quick Google search will lead you to the concerned site easily. India has a website for every government-related process, including property tax payments. Once you land on the website, check if they offer the service you’re looking for. Some establishments even allow you to schedule an appointment online or check the status of your applications online.

Call and enquire

If the service is unavailable online, the next step is to call the branch and ask for details. If you skip this step and land directly at the unit, be ready for multiple visits.

Preparing and having all the necessary documents and information ready before heading out to the bank or establishment is mandatory in India to avoid wasting time. By making a call beforehand, you can better understand what documents will be required, what the work timings are, and whether or not the service will be available at the time you plan to visit. This can help you avoid multiple trips and save you time and hassle.

While you call the concerned official, it’s important to remember that the employees you speak with on the phone may be busy and unable to provide all the information you need. It’s important to be persistent and ask the right questions to ensure you have all the necessary information.

Some questions to ask:

What are your work timings?
I am planning to arrive at this time tomorrow. Will the service be available then?
What documents should I carry?

Reach out to customer care

Unable to reach the branch by phone or email? The next option is to contact the organization’s official customer care through email or the phone number provided on their website.

Many establishments, like banks, have dedicated customer care teams that can provide information and assistance over the phone or through email. You can get answers to your questions or resolve issues by contacting customer care without having to visit the branch in person. I make it a point to express my displeasure about not being able to reach the local department while I contact customer care.

When you contact customer service, make sure to have your account number or other relevant information handy so that the representative can quickly find your account and assist you. Also, it is good to note the time and date of the call, the name of the representative you spoke with, and any reference number they might have given you. That way, if you need to follow up, you have all information required.

It’s also good to check with the organization’s website or social media page to see if they have any FAQ sections or chatbots that might help answer your questions.

Understand that processing will take time

India’s system is different than other places, so taking note of that will help to deal with the entire process. Sometimes, things might take longer than expected, and it’s better to be prepared mentally for such scenarios.

Conclusion

Following these steps and being prepared can help you navigate the system more efficiently and effectively. Eventually, you will become more familiar with the process, making things much easier for you in the long run. Hope this helps!

An Ode to Taking Fewer Photos and Living in the Moment

I take a sip of refreshing chai and relish the warmth it brings.

I visit a striking green paradise and breathe in the intoxicating air.

I spend time laughing with my loved ones, engaging in deep conversations.

Time stands still.

I welcome the moment with a big smile, comfortable baggy clothes, and frizzy hair.

All of it, without taking a single photograph to lock the moment.

There’s no pressure to look perfect.

There’s no pressure to get the perfect photographs, angles, filters, and light.

It’s perfect as it is.

In this age of social media, consciously taking a step back to enjoy life has proven therapeutic. It’s a transition that happened naturally for me during the pandemic. A metamorphosis that seeped unconsciously and significantly helped to reduce my anxiety. Along with it came the realization that we don’t have to lock everything in static images or never-ending videos. Sometimes, it’s okay to not record and to take that risk of losing a moment forever. Rest assured, the important things will stick and refuse to detach from you. You don’t really need a camera for that.

The constant pressure of social media, with its likes, shares, and validation, can weaken even the bravest. If our first reaction to a beautiful scenery is to take our phone out and view it through the camera’s lens, rest assured, we are not genuinely engaging. Our mind gets distracted by the constant back-and-forth shuffle between real life and reel life (Instagram or otherwise). The pressure doesn’t end there. Once you post the image, you are then distracted by who liked your pictures and what they commented. Each of these tasks might only take a few seconds. Still, collectively that’s a lot of time wasted navigating away from the present.

Contrary to popular notions, human beings are terrible at multitasking. Our brains are not wired to handle these many distractions. You can get things done, of course, but the overall value would reduce if you indulge in multiple interests simultaneously. Don’t believe me? Try to cut out other sensory reactions when you are listening to music – switch off the lights and engage in your favorite melodies. You will experience it like never before. The vocals and instruments sound sharper, richly intense, and more beautiful, purely because you are only focusing on the music alone and nothing else.

As a New Year resolution, maybe more people should learn to ignore the 24/7 pressure box they hold so tenderly in their hands. You can do more good for your body with this simple act – probably more than a gym membership would be able to.