An Ode to the Things I Am Scared Of

I feel being scared is good. It makes me feel human and relieved over the fact that none of the new-age technologies has successfully managed to kill the entirety of my emotions and turn me into a robot.

Two of the sweet somethings that technology did rob me of, though, include:

that feeling of missing people – when we are connected 24×7, where’s the time to miss?
connection (ironically) – everyone around me, young and old, is so immersed in their phones that I find it hard to reach out to them or get their undivided attention. Meaningful conversations have dwindled. One line of dialogue is followed by a quick glance at the phone. Eventually, you are distracted by some meme, TikTok, or reel that takes the magic away from the present.

Currently, in my mid-30s, I feel less scared compared to my early formative years. This might be because of added experiences or because of the dullness that adulthood brings with it. You learn to grow an invisible shield that protects you from uncomfortable experiences. But in between all that, you lose some of your vulnerability, a part of your personality that was quick to embrace things without second-guessing them. It had a charm of its own.

So here’s an ode to the things I am scared of in my mid-30s, the things that make my heart race and the hair on the back of my head stand (well, that’s a stretch, but they do make my emotional wires wonky).

losing near and dear ones – the end is inevitable. It is something we cannot control. As I age, it is frightening to know we are that much closer to the end. How painful will it be? Can’t all deaths be peaceful? Questions no one can answer.
not being able to take care of myself – by seeing the seniors around me who are heavily reliant on their kids for the slightest of things, I worry if I will ever reach a stage where I won’t be able to take care of myself, be it physically, financially, or emotionally.
running out of time – I worry if I will ever be able to do all the things I want to in this limited lifespan. Will I find time to do it all? Will I be able to go on all my bucket list travels and explore the world? Will I have the health and abundance to provide for myself and my family’s needs?
working my life away – here, I am typing all this out in between work because what if I never get enough time to write, the one thing I love doing? Imagine spending more than half of your life at your workplace, not getting to do any of the stuff you want to do to your heart’s desire because you have a home to run, tummies to fill, and many obligations and responsibilities. You are expected to work till you can’t anymore. Unfortunately, most will only get time for leisure in their old age. And by that time, it might be too late to deep-dive into everything we used to enjoy before.

It is a coincidence that most of the things I noted here concern time. But what else is more precious? Without time, we cease to function. All we crave is more time – to spend with our loved ones, to do the things we love. Only time can correctly predict your destiny. You need to live through life to see what will happen and what you will feel. Till then, it’s all talk.

Sometimes you have to let go of these thoughts. Because there are no answers. But on other occasions, I hold these thoughts dear. When I get older, these fears will probably be replaced by new ones. Till then, these emotions will work to keep me human. They will keep me sane.

An Ode to 9 Thought-Provoking Life Quotes from Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha

I recently finished Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha. The book takes you through the life of the fictional protagonist, Siddhartha, who comes from an affluent family. He is restless and dissatisfied with life and feels the need to search for enlightenment and spiritual fulfillment. He eventually finds it on his own, though the path he took to attain enlightenment is rocky and full of challenges. This story is entirely fictional and not be confused with Gautama Buddha’s story.

Personally, I found the book a bit difficult to read as the topics discussed were quite deep and complex. The language was wordy, and it interfered with my focus somewhat. However, I still found many meaningful and beautiful quotes throughout the novel. Quotes that make you think, quotes that beautifully capture the very essence of life.

Here are some of the best:

Wisdom cannot be imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else. Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, be fortified by it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.

I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.

The world is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment; every sin already carries grace in it.

The river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere, and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.

The only way to live is to accept each minute as an unrepeatable miracle.

Wherever you are, when you can sense something of the eternal in yourself and in the world, you are close to the source of all being and all knowing.

When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal.

Everyone can perform magic, everyone can reach his goals, if he is able to think, wait, and fast.

The opposite of every truth is just as true! Any truth can only be expressed and put into words when it is one-sided. Everything is one-sided which can be thought with thoughts and said with words. It is all one-sided, all just one half, all lacks completeness, roundness, oneness.

That Time of the Year Again…

My annual performance review is around the corner. And I wonder what surprise they have in store for me this time around.

If you have been following my blog, you would know that my last two performance reviews did not go well. It was a bit of a surprise to hear the managers say what they did, because at no point during the year did I receive any feedback from them. My mind automatically deduced “no feedback” as “good feedback.” But that wasn’t the case.

I am not sure what I would face this year, but I could do without the anxiety. I can only think, why can’t companies make appraisal time easier? The stress comes only when you’re given no clue about your performance.

Right now, all I can do to calm myself down is utter the golden words, “I tried my best.”

So will things be favorable this time, or am I in for a nasty surprise again?

Stay tuned.

The Unseen, The Unheard

An anthem that exudes unity,

Of being one,

Brothers and sisters of the same soil.

But the words are empty,

As meaningless as a liar’s embrace.

As hurtful as a kin’s animosity.

As rancid as a forgotten fruit.

The unseen, the unheard,

Took over humanity,

Over love, compassion, empathy,

Burning them to dust.

Any wonder why hope is lost each day?

Why hearts break so easily?

Why fires light up hastily?

Why words tremble feebly?

We see more harm than good,

More violence than peace,

More hatred than love,

More you than ours.

More “you” than “ours.”

Eyes burn with hope,

Waiting wistfully for the day,

Humanity wins,

Love wins,

We win.

Over the unseen, unheard.