An Ode to Nonviolent Communication

Holding Hands - Nonviolent Communication

Happy to announce I am now 100% nonviolent after reading Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

I am also 100% lying.

Because, like all good things in life, NVC takes effort. And practice. Having just finished the book, I only have an idea of what to say but no practical experience.

Conflict resolution is an interesting topic to me since we have to deal with conflicts in every aspect of our lives. How can we be stern and kind at the same time? How can we get the best out of any situation? Being able to communicate effectively is an art in itself.

I have always taken away something, if not everything, from every book I’ve read – a new kind of awareness. What I took away from this one was to take a moment to step back and focus on needs instead of the more apparent negatives during an argument. It helps with forgiveness. It keeps you calm. So it’s a win-win overall.

What is NVC?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a practice that must be consciously ingrained in our daily interactions to see results. It includes letting go of your judgments and interacting with the other person to focus on each other’s needs instead of playing the blame game. We attribute violence to physical and mental abuse. But here, the author talks about negative communication as violence too. Things like incessant blaming, judging, silent treatment, and mocking all form a part of violent communication.

So here are some of the key takeaways from the book:

Focusing on needs

The four components of NVC include: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we would like to request to enrich our lives. To summarize, the two parts of NVC are 1) expressing honestly 2) receiving empathically.

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel.. because I need..”

Something you need to keep repeating to yourself whenever you are agitated. What is it that you need? Focus on each other’s primary emotion (need) instead of lashing out at each other.

Avoiding blame and judgment

Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?

The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future. So even if our present need is met in the sense that people do what we want, we will pay for it later.

Makes you think, doesn’t it? Why would someone tell you the truth if they knew they would be misunderstood or shouted at? I feel the more we make someone feel uncomfortable and “dirty” for telling us the truth, the more they will hide it the next time.

Being empathic even with people who hurt you

Blaming is easy. People are used to hearing blame; sometimes they agree with it and hate themselves – which doesn’t stop them from behaving the same way – and sometimes they hate us for calling them names – which also doesn’t stop their behavior. If we sense blame entering their mind, we may need to slow down, go back, and hear their pain for a while more.

NVC stresses hearing the other person a while longer and understanding their feelings before we put forward our requests. Such a method lets the other person relax and be in a proper frame of mind to receive and reciprocate.

Conflict Resolution

The more experience I have gained in mediating conflicts over the years and the more I’ve seen what leads families to argue and nations to go to war, the more convinced I am that most schoolchildren could solve these conflicts. If we could just say, “Here are the needs of both sides. Here are the resources. What can be done to meet these needs?,” conflicts would be easily resolved. But instead, our thinking is focused on dehumanizing one another with labels and judgments until even the simplest of conflicts becomes very difficult to solve. NVC helps us avoid that trap, thereby enhancing the chances of reaching a satisfying resolution.

Why can’t warring countries adopt this methodology, sit together, and discuss resolutions in a non-confrontational way? The world would be a more peaceful place to live in.

4 Tips for NRIs on How to Effectively Prepare for Paperwork in India and Avoid Multiple Trips

I have seen a lot of NRIs (non-resident Indians) struggling with paperwork once they land in India. They get frustrated and intimidated. It was during that point I realized I (an ex-NRI) have become accustomed to the system. Probably, because I now have a way to go about it.

This page aims to provide helpful tips for NRIs planning to do paperwork in India. It could be any paperwork or personal work related to banking, property, tax, applying for Aadhaar, PAN, etc. If you haven’t done it before or do it only once in a blue moon when you land in India, the tips provided will help.

Check if the service is available online

India is turning more digital by the day. Many services can be availed online, including opening a bank account.

By checking the availability of the service online, you can save time and avoid the frustration of the long queues at the establishment. Or even worse – finding out the service is unavailable when you arrive at the location.

Here’s how you can go about it. Before visiting a government office or bank branch, check their website or social media for information on their services. A quick Google search will lead you to the concerned site easily. India has a website for every government-related process, including property tax payments. Once you land on the website, check if they offer the service you’re looking for. Some establishments even allow you to schedule an appointment online or check the status of your applications online.

Call and enquire

If the service is unavailable online, the next step is to call the branch and ask for details. If you skip this step and land directly at the unit, be ready for multiple visits.

Preparing and having all the necessary documents and information ready before heading out to the bank or establishment is mandatory in India to avoid wasting time. By making a call beforehand, you can better understand what documents will be required, what the work timings are, and whether or not the service will be available at the time you plan to visit. This can help you avoid multiple trips and save you time and hassle.

While you call the concerned official, it’s important to remember that the employees you speak with on the phone may be busy and unable to provide all the information you need. It’s important to be persistent and ask the right questions to ensure you have all the necessary information.

Some questions to ask:

What are your work timings?
I am planning to arrive at this time tomorrow. Will the service be available then?
What documents should I carry?

Reach out to customer care

Unable to reach the branch by phone or email? The next option is to contact the organization’s official customer care through email or the phone number provided on their website.

Many establishments, like banks, have dedicated customer care teams that can provide information and assistance over the phone or through email. You can get answers to your questions or resolve issues by contacting customer care without having to visit the branch in person. I make it a point to express my displeasure about not being able to reach the local department while I contact customer care.

When you contact customer service, make sure to have your account number or other relevant information handy so that the representative can quickly find your account and assist you. Also, it is good to note the time and date of the call, the name of the representative you spoke with, and any reference number they might have given you. That way, if you need to follow up, you have all information required.

It’s also good to check with the organization’s website or social media page to see if they have any FAQ sections or chatbots that might help answer your questions.

Understand that processing will take time

India’s system is different than other places, so taking note of that will help to deal with the entire process. Sometimes, things might take longer than expected, and it’s better to be prepared mentally for such scenarios.

Conclusion

Following these steps and being prepared can help you navigate the system more efficiently and effectively. Eventually, you will become more familiar with the process, making things much easier for you in the long run. Hope this helps!

An Ode to Taking Fewer Photos and Living in the Moment

I take a sip of refreshing chai and relish the warmth it brings.

I visit a striking green paradise and breathe in the intoxicating air.

I spend time laughing with my loved ones, engaging in deep conversations.

Time stands still.

I welcome the moment with a big smile, comfortable baggy clothes, and frizzy hair.

All of it, without taking a single photograph to lock the moment.

There’s no pressure to look perfect.

There’s no pressure to get the perfect photographs, angles, filters, and light.

It’s perfect as it is.

In this age of social media, consciously taking a step back to enjoy life has proven therapeutic. It’s a transition that happened naturally for me during the pandemic. A metamorphosis that seeped unconsciously and significantly helped to reduce my anxiety. Along with it came the realization that we don’t have to lock everything in static images or never-ending videos. Sometimes, it’s okay to not record and to take that risk of losing a moment forever. Rest assured, the important things will stick and refuse to detach from you. You don’t really need a camera for that.

The constant pressure of social media, with its likes, shares, and validation, can weaken even the bravest. If our first reaction to a beautiful scenery is to take our phone out and view it through the camera’s lens, rest assured, we are not genuinely engaging. Our mind gets distracted by the constant back-and-forth shuffle between real life and reel life (Instagram or otherwise). The pressure doesn’t end there. Once you post the image, you are then distracted by who liked your pictures and what they commented. Each of these tasks might only take a few seconds. Still, collectively that’s a lot of time wasted navigating away from the present.

Contrary to popular notions, human beings are terrible at multitasking. Our brains are not wired to handle these many distractions. You can get things done, of course, but the overall value would reduce if you indulge in multiple interests simultaneously. Don’t believe me? Try to cut out other sensory reactions when you are listening to music – switch off the lights and engage in your favorite melodies. You will experience it like never before. The vocals and instruments sound sharper, richly intense, and more beautiful, purely because you are only focusing on the music alone and nothing else.

As a New Year resolution, maybe more people should learn to ignore the 24/7 pressure box they hold so tenderly in their hands. You can do more good for your body with this simple act – probably more than a gym membership would be able to.

An Ode to The Street-Savvy Characters of The White Lotus (No Spoilers)

In The White Lotus S2, there are only two types of people – the ones who are street-smart and the ones who are not.

The street-smart ones know how to get their way, even if it’s through unethical means like manipulation, lying, and deceit. “How do you sleep well at night knowing you did this?” doesn’t apply to them. They sleep quite well because, in their world, happiness is correlated with survival, satiation, and goals, not empathy. Due to this, their conscience is clear.

In the real world, we often come across such multi-layered people. The outer layer may be enticing, but the inner layers are complex and dark. It is next to impossible to decode the various layers someone may possess. This is where you take that leap of faith and hope they are worth trusting.

When we get duped, we try to find relief in the thought that the culprits will live their lives in guilt. Or hope karma will eventually get them. Often, it never happens. And that’s what the White Lotus S2 shows – the brutal reality of it all. No one is shown guilty. Or maybe they do, for a second, before the realization dawns on them that their dreams have now been fulfilled. They walk into the sunset hand-in-hand with their partners-in-crime, forgetting the sins of the past and awaiting a sparkling future.

The naive ones, who say and do all the right things, get played and left behind. The only positive aspect of their experience is that they are one step closer to being streetwise.

When the good guys lose, you understand that the universe doesn’t owe anyone anything. It’s up to each of us to subject ourselves to vast experiences and come out of them better equipped to deal with the eccentricities of the world.

An Ode to My Favorite Products of 2022

Since the year is almost over, I thought I would take a moment to list my favorite products of 2022. Purchases that have improved my life, delicacies I enjoyed, and things that exceeded my expectations.

Most of these products are only available in India. Still, you might want to check out your local Amazon website to see if you get anything similar.

I don’t plan to get into many technical details about these products, as that’s not the intention. It is merely a list of products I loved this year and my brief thoughts on each. I consider them excellent, unconventional gifts as well that are not just easy on the eyes but functional and useful.

1. Atomberg Ceiling Fan – Renesa

This was the first purchase of the year that I absolutely loved. Atomberg ceiling fans have created quite a reputation in a short time. The sleek ceiling fans have been developed by two IIT geniuses. Atomberg fans are entirely manufactured in India. The Renesa variant comes with blue night lights and a remote control that would be useful during those cold, chilly nights. You can easily switch off the fan without leaving the comfort of your bed. It is also said to be energy-efficient, but honestly, I haven’t been keeping track. My electricity charges appear more or less the same because I often use my air-conditioner.

2. Mi Robot Vacuum Cleaner

I purchased the Mi Robot Cleaner during the online sale season. I got it for around 5-6k rupees cheaper, so I recommend you wait for a sale before buying this product. After a lot of introspection, I decided to buy the robot vacuum because I honestly couldn’t find the time to clean every day. I needed help. The vacuum cleaner took some time to adjust to my 2 bedroom-kitchen apartment. It would spin round and round till it would find its way. Give it a few weeks to a month to completely adjust to your home. Note: It would gobble up anything that comes in the way, so I recommend keeping your charging cables and small items away.

3. Yogabar Wholegrain Breakfast Muesli

The dark chocolate and cranberry version felt like love at first taste for me. I am not much of a Muesli fan, but I was mildly surprised by how good this one tasted. It’s a must-buy for all dark chocolate and cranberry fans. The Yogabar Protein Bars are also a favorite (especially the dark chocolate variant).

4. Laneige Lip Mask

My lips tend to get dry, and no lip balms or chapsticks helped. Laneige lip masks were a savior. Apply a thick coat at night and rub it off in the morning. You will be surprised by how soft and subtle your lips are. The plus point is your lips do not get “addicted” to the mask, as in your lips won’t become drier after a few hours. It has a healing effect, unlike most lip balms/masks that tend to make your lips smoother only superficially.

5. Home Plus Magic Atta Kneader

This appliance is most suited for people who don’t like kneading or who cannot knead due to some ailments. Add 2 cups of the dough and mix it with one cup of water. Run for 30 seconds, and you’re done. We prefer adding oil to the mixture to prevent the dough from getting sticky.

6. Girnar Detox Kahua

I just cannot get enough of this green tea. I have lost the number of times I repurchased it this year. It has a spicy, warm taste that can destress you instantly. Usually, we associate green tea with a bland, sour taste (at least I do). I wasn’t much of a green tea fan, but Girnar Kahwa changed everything. In fact, it’s the only green tea I like.

7. Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Daily Skin Therapy Solid Formula

Whenever my skin gets extra dry, I reach out for my Palmer’s cocoa butter cream tub. It comes in a sold consistency, and you must warm it up between your hands before applying. It lives up to its name – it’s definitely healing and therapy for the skin.

8. Women’s Horlicks (Caramel)

I bought the malted milk drink not for its nutritional value but out of curiosity. I remembered having Horlicks as a kid and was intrigued by the new women’s version in the market nowadays. I was pleasantly surprised by its soothing taste.

9. Loyka Almond Brittles

Almond brittle is a type of confectionery. It is made by mixing caramelized sugar with almonds, then spreading the mixture thinly on a surface until it hardens. It has a crunchy texture, complemented by a sweet, nutty flavor. I absolutely loved this particular almond brittle from Loyka.

An Ode to Dealing with Tough Managers

Recently, I posted being concerned about my performance appraisal this year as the previous ones did not go well. I have some news to share – I finally got good feedback! This is a reason to celebrate, as my head was clouded with self-doubt over the past year, and I questioned my work quality. “This is the only type of work I believed I was good at. Am I not as good as I think?”

When managers take time to appreciate your work, your confidence hits a different level. It’s the type of reassurance every hard-working employee deserves.

Needless to say, I am over the moon. If you had gone through my past appraisal posts, you would know how distraught I was. I gave it my best this year and wondered if it would be enough as my confidence was quite shaken. But it ended well (this year, at least). Now, the challenge is to maintain this level of performance.

I am not exactly sure what I did right this year, but I am sharing one key takeaway.

I know the internet is filled with advice on avoiding interacting with difficult managers as much as possible. I did this initially. I was intimidated by my managers and found it challenging to reach out to them. They weren’t particularly friendly either. So my solution was to avoid them. My advice is: don’t.

Try increasing your interactions with them to a point you no longer feel intimidated by their presence. I started asking questions regularly, reaching out for discussions, and becoming more proactive. Initially, it felt tough, as anyone would feel uncomfortable interacting with someone who intimidates them. But then, things started getting better. My fear was gone as I trained myself to approach them more. This helped me ask better questions and seek their help if needed. This, in turn, improved my work.

I realized they weren’t criticizing me on purpose. I did lag in some areas. When you are only given negative feedback, your first impulse is to escape. I almost thought about quitting, thinking maybe they disliked me for other reasons.

At this point, I can’t help but think how many employees must have quit their jobs because they couldn’t take criticism. We see posts about “work where you will be appreciated.” Sometimes, we need to take time to reflect on whether it is really them who should work on appreciating us or if it is actually us who need to make improvements.

Yes, some managers will not like you or your work, no matter how hard you try. You need to change your job for peace of mind in such cases. But often, that’s not the issue. Sometimes we overthink and overanalyze things and make decisions on the spur of the moment. Like quitting. When we quit, we stop ourselves from learning from our mistakes.

Learning only happens when someone points out the areas you need to improve. Some managers communicate this empathetically and effectively, but some might take a different route.

Not every manager excels at communication. As long as a supervisor doesn’t abuse or resort to toxic, manipulative techniques, employees should reflect on what is needed, reach out, ask questions, and work accordingly.