An Ode to Love in the Times of Ageing

“What does love feel like?” asked a member of a community I am a part of. She had never experienced romantic love before and was genuinely curious about what to expect when she eventually falls in love – Is love easy? Is it kind? Is it everything movies and books make it out to be?

In my 20s, my answer would have been, “Love means you are willing to do anything for the person.” It meant no inhibitions, forgiving all mistakes, and smiling positively through the storms. There is no sense of self. You are engulfed by passion and intimacy to the point your brain cells cease to function.

The way we look at love in our 20s might be derived from various sources – movies, shows, books, music videos, social media, interviews, etc. The love depicted in public is often dreamy, romantic, and glossy. The type that makes our hearts sing. We expect our partners to follow the same route – always say and do the right things at the right time. However, it is not as simple. One must undergo real experiences to truly understand and form our own definition of love.

My perception of love changed considerably in my 40s.

Love no longer means giving up everything to make a relationship work, especially your self-respect. Love means being at ease with your partner, not walking on your toes, and being anxious about their reaction. Love is comfort, like a tight hug after a tiring day, like a cup of coffee embracing you with its warmth. An emotion that is balanced, not agitating and swinging back and forth between extremes of love and hate.

I have experienced bad relationships and am thankful I overcame them unscathed. Back then, blinded by love, I would find excuses to justify any form of disrespect I got. I would tell myself, “They must have had a bad day.” “Maybe they didn’t mean what they said.” But over time, you learn not everything is done unintentionally. If a mistake happens more than once, it is not a mistake, it’s a habit, a conscious decision. But the young me did not understand all this. I was under the impression that the harder I worked in my relationship, the easier it would be for my partner to love me.

Love requires some amount of compromise, for sure. But how much is too much? Only you can answer that yourself. Different people have different levels of tolerance. What might sound disrespectful to me might not be for the other person. However, a general rule of thumb is that I should feel at ease with my partner and be able to communicate freely without fear.

I am curious how my definition of love will change over the next 20 years. Will love be more balanced than it is now, or would it sway? Only time can tell.

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Photo by cottonbro studio

An Ode to Not Being Kind

We are often told to be kind and help people whenever possible. This is advice that is good on paper. In the real world, we often must exercise caution.

Experience has been my best teacher of how kindness is not always necessary. I have learned to tread cautiously with anyone other than my immediate family, no matter how dependable and sincere they might appear.

Two minor incidents this year left me disappointed.

A next-door neighbor landed at my door with his laptop to finish some urgent work. He did not have a WiFi connection at home as he was an NRI. He requested my internet password, and I shared it with him without any second thoughts. He sent a few emails and left soon afterward. One year later, by chance, I came to know my WiFi was accessible at his apartment as well, and he and his entire family were using it without my permission. This incident left a bitter taste in my mouth. I wondered why anyone would use items owned by someone else on the sly, thinking they would never get caught. Internet in India is dirt cheap compared to many countries, which further increased my annoyance, as it is not a commodity out of reach for the common man. It blew my mind how people are ever-willing to mooch off others, even those who are probably earning less than them, instead of paying for the necessities themselves.

Lesson learned: Never share your WiFi password with neighbors.

My second experience involves sharing my OTT (streaming) account. I shared it with an NRI friend so he could watch this one show he was highly interested in. I thought after he was done with the show, he would venture out to get an account of his own. But that did not happen. He stayed on and started using it regularly. Since it was a single-device account, I found myself locked out whenever he watched something. If I asked for access, he would request an additional thirty minutes. This went on for two years. I suggested that he create an account for himself, but he would always come up with excuses, claiming that he didn’t need a full account. I got the impression that he wanted to stay on without paying for it. I finally took a stand and changed my password recently, and that was the end of the issue.

Lesson learned: People are always on the lookout for freebies, irrespective of their financial status. Before you give away something for free out of kindness, contemplate whether you will be okay with giving it away for an extended period of time. You have to take into consideration that the person might not stop using what they are getting for free. Worse, they might even share it with others.

Why is kindness mistaken for weakness? The nicest people we know are often taken for granted because they struggle to vocalize their frustrations and annoyance. If you ask, “Are you okay with it?” they will probably say it’s okay, fearing the consequences that a negative answer might evoke. When such situations happen, and a saturation point is reached, the nice person ends up not being so nice anymore, leading to dialogues from others such as, “You have changed.”

The courteous thing to do is to use other people’s possessions only for a short while. If you like the product, purchase it for personal use. If this is not feasible, the least a person can do is offer to share the rental rate or costs.

So yes, my advice to naïve, soft-hearted people is to not blindly trust others to always take the right step. Sometimes, boundaries need to be spelled out. Offer kindness with precaution – in optimal doses only.

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Photo by Jou00e3o

How Online Interactions Improved My Social Behavior

I was a timid youngster. Shy and introverted. You can say even socially anxious. When guests arrived, I would run and lock myself up in my bedroom. I was not interested in common courtesy or formalities. Many mistook it for arrogance or rudeness. Looking back at it, I feel this behavior stemmed from insecurity. I was not confident with the way I looked.

Till my pre-adolescent days, I was a cute kid. I was pampered, received compliments, and always got attention. This changed once I became a teenager. I had the thickest prescription glasses, and my complexion changed from white (coveted by most Indians) to a dusky brown. I also lost my cute chubbiness along the way because my appetite had died, making me a lanky young woman. Not the kind that got attention or compliments, but the kind who was frequently mocked.

The people around me also ensured I knew I wasn’t as eye-pleasing as before. I got comments like, “She was so cute as a kid,” making it evident that they were dissatisfied with my current imagery. I was given medications to increase my appetite, so I could restore some of my lost glory. I despised the medicines and eventually stopped taking them.

I was continuously told to become more outgoing like my sibling, a far more attractive personality. How could I when I did not have the confidence? From a bubbly kid, I became more withdrawn, lost in my own world, finding solace in books and songs. I thought if I stayed away from people, I wouldn’t disappoint them, and they wouldn’t hurt me either.

It was during my late teenage years that I stumbled upon the online world. I had just gotten access to the internet at home. I was mesmerized by the sea of opportunities that opened up to me. The plus being I could hide behind a screen and avoid being judged for my looks or my introversion. It felt like a less judgemental world. Back then, it was. Social media platforms did not exist, and people were not spewing hatred at each other.

One fine day, I happened to chance upon a public chat platform for youngsters. Word was going around in school that it was a fun group. I jumped on the bandwagon, curious to know what it was like. It was where I finally found my voice.

I am not sure if it was the comfort of facelessness or the fact that there was no pretty privilege involved that did the trick of helping me get out of my shell. In the online world, only your persona is seen. Your thoughts, your emotions become the highlights. That’s what I put forth in my chats with random strangers. All messages were posted publicly, and people could tag you and respond to them. It was safe and secure since it was a closed group where creeps were promptly banned or blocked. Due vigilance is required when you chat with strangers, and the group moderators ensured it was a safe space for everyone.

Talking in the group was like having a big group discussion. And for the first time in my life, I felt I was a part of something. People were engaging with my words. They found me interesting. They laughed at my jokes. I was the center of attention. Something I thought I would never be again.

The interactions were a stepping stone in my life and contributed to my change in attitude. It gave me confidence that even if my looks are against me, I have what it takes to engage someone. It was a slow but sure climb from then on.

The universe works in a funny way. As soon as I gained confidence, I started making friends. I even started to look better. I was and will always be introverted and never be the party starter or the energetic go-getter, but I learned how to deal with people. I am at my most confident at the moment, but it has been a long, steady ride to get there.

The impact of online interactions has been anything but inconsequential in my life. It helped me realize I was much more than what people offline gave me credit for.

Korean Movie Spotlight: A Man and a Woman

Detouring a bit from the usual saccharine sweet K-dramas, I decided to give this Korean movie named “A Man and a Woman” a try.

Disclaimer: This post shouldn’t be treated as a review because I am far from qualified to give an objective and professional take on cinema. It should be treated as a subjective viewpoint of a cinephile who loves to watch movies and dramas purely for entertainment. I have only one criterion – I shouldn’t get bored. The film will be judged on that factor alone.

What’s It About?

“A Man and a Woman” is an emotional story of Sang-min (played by Jeon Do-yeon) and Ki-hong (played by Gong Yoo), two individuals who meet by chance and form a deep connection. They embark on a passionate but bittersweet extramarital affair amid their complicated personal lives.

Thoughts

The movie starts at a leisurely pace. I am generally not a fan of slow films, so I wasn’t sure whether I would like it. But I realized this pacing was essential to build the melancholy rhythm of the extramarital affair and to make us invested in their whole journey. It is a tumultuous relationship that is delicate and emotional, kind yet painful.

You end up rooting for the cheaters, something I have never done before. Two people quietly enduring the drudgery of everyday issues with a dry smile, eventually finding some warmth in each other’s arms. It’s tough to chide them. You know they are doing something morally wrong, but you want them to be together forever.

The credit goes to the makers and the actors for making us feel emotions out of the norm. We should be offended, angry, and betrayed seeing two people cheating on their spouses. But weirdly, we are not. That’s the effect of good creative storytelling. They make you feel what they want you to feel.

I would recommend the movie to serious cinema watchers, regardless of your take on extramarital affairs. Both the actors are brilliant. There is nothing as emotionally wrecking as the final few scenes. It is also an ugly reminder of how some of us, unfortunately, get the raw part of the deal, no matter how sincere we are. It’s just how life is, and the makers of “A Man and a Woman” have managed to capture this aspect brilliantly on camera.

An Ode to Park Seo-joon’s Best K-dramas

I have been missing Bollywood romantic movies so much lately that I have delved deep into the world of K-drama. Korean dramas have everything I was missing in Bollywood movies – the feel-good, wholesome, and emotion-heavy element.

One of the actors I have come to admire is Park Seo-joon. He has sharp, expressive eyes that convey the world. It is always a delight to watch him, especially in romantic comedies. He grows on you, making an impact each time he appears on the screen.

If you are new to K-dramas, here are some Park Seo-joon gems you should check out:

What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim

Park Seo-joon plays a narcissistic boss. His secretary, Kim, who has been with him through thick and thin, surprises him by expressing her wish to resign. He tries his best to keep her employed in his company. Emotions clash, and we also get subjected to a dark, mysterious past that has been haunting the leads forever. Park Seo-joon’s comic timing in the series is impeccable. Don’t miss out on his “aura.”

Fight For My Way

This is inarguably one of the best K-dramas I have seen. The lead pair is charming and one of the cutest I have ever witnessed. The series follows two friends with a very platonic relationship until the inevitable happens – their feelings get involved. Their protectiveness towards each other, constant bickering, support, and humor makes you crave such a deep friendship. Park Seo-joon plays an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter, and the irresistibly cute Kim Ji-won plays a wannabe anchor who is proficient with her words. Both are fighting hard to find their way in a world that makes it difficult for earnest people to survive.

A Witch’s Love / A Witch’s Romance

This series has quite a controversial subject, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. A 25-year-old falls for a 39-year-old career woman who is considered a witch by her colleagues because of her ambitious, no-nonsense work ethic. Both characters are dealing with their own past heartbreaks – she was left on the altar by her beloved, and he’s emotionally scarred by a lover who died in an accident. Considering their age gap, Ban Ji-yeon (played by the charming Uhm Jung-hwa) finds it hard to reciprocate Yoon Dong-ha’s feelings. How they traverse this complicated situation forms the crux of the story.

This is one of Park Seo-joon’s earliest works, but there is no trace of inexperience. He handles the role with confidence, suave, and the boyish charm the role demands.

She Was Pretty

Ji Sung-joon (played by Park Seo-Joon) and Kim Hye-Jin (played by Hwang Jung-eum) were childhood buddies. They were each other’s first love. Then due to some twisted fate, they part ways. Years later, Ji Sung-joon reaches out to Hwang Jung-eum online via email and insists on meeting up. She hesitates. The issue – she is not as pretty as before. Her underconfidence and lack of self-esteem make her do childish things that snowball into a more significant problem. The story is engaging, and you will end up rooting for the two.

I like how the series emphasized embracing one’s true self and owning everything that makes us unique.

Don’t miss out on these K-dramas! They are like medicine for the soul.

An Ode to Staying Still in a Fast-Paced World

Children enjoying a leisurely stroll in the sprawling fields, basking in the simple joys of nature's embrace

I have been working the same job, staying at the same place, with the same people around me for ages – an anomaly in this fast-paced world where people are constantly on the move. Yet, I feel at ease, holding no grudges, feeling no pain or regret.

Most people around me are competitive, having quantifiable goals. Everyone seems to be in a rush, in a hurry to move continents and prove their value to the world. Occasionally, I feel insecure looking at them. Not because I want what they have but because I am expected to dream the same dreams. It would have made life easier to conform to the unwritten rules set by society. There would be less friction. If you get joy from a lifestyle that, per society, shouldn’t bring you joy, you start questioning your likes and dislikes.

Still, here I am, my dreams centered around the place I am in currently, with its familiar faces and landscapes. I enjoy the serenity of my non-happening town, surrounded by greenery instead of skyscrapers, with more aging people than youngsters who require my help in some form or the other. I am their in-house technician, IT support, problem solver, fraud protector, teacher, confidante, and more.

I enjoy the comfort that my people bring. I want to sing in the same language, embrace the same festivals, eat familiar food, and walk through the same lanes. I want to be in a place where I have the same rights as anyone else because it’s my country as much as anyone else’s. I feel like I belong here. My roots have nestled way too deep to be uprooted now. I like the familiarity, the dreaded “comfort zone,” so to speak. I want to stay still, even if it means giving up on urban luxuries.

There aren’t any motivational or romanticized posts for people like me. Sometimes, a film like Little Forest (Korean Movie) or a K-drama like Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha comes along, and you are swept by a wave of emotions, a kind of happiness that at least some people get your feelings. In the real world, you are expected to be money-minded and earn more than the next person. You should have an endless abyss of wants. It makes someone like me flawed and imperfect in the eyes of the world. We get less respect than the ones who constantly want more. But the thing with reaching your 40s is you subconsciously stop letting others dictate how you feel about living your life. It doesn’t matter anymore. Aging is a beautiful thing for this very reason.

We often take the road built by others hoping it will lead us to happiness. If that were the case, everyone who followed norms perfectly would have been happy. What if happiness is in the place you are? The fact that I am happy is a lesson to myself that I need not trail everything the world celebrates. Sometimes you end up paving your own unique path in the process of living a life that feels the most authentic to you. When you acknowledge that it’s okay to define your own version of joy, what others say ceases to make an impression.

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Photo by Drift Shutterbug