I was a timid youngster. Shy and introverted. You can say even socially anxious. When guests arrived, I would run and lock myself up in my bedroom. I was not interested in common courtesy or formalities. Many mistook it for arrogance or rudeness. Looking back at it, I feel this behavior stemmed from insecurity. I was not confident with the way I looked.
Till my pre-adolescent days, I was a cute kid. I was pampered, received compliments, and always got attention. This changed once I became a teenager. I had the thickest prescription glasses, and my complexion changed from white (coveted by most Indians) to a dusky brown. I also lost my cute chubbiness along the way because my appetite had died, making me a lanky young woman. Not the kind that got attention or compliments, but the kind who was frequently mocked.
The people around me also ensured I knew I wasn’t as eye-pleasing as before. I got comments like, “She was so cute as a kid,” making it evident that they were dissatisfied with my current imagery. I was given medications to increase my appetite, so I could restore some of my lost glory. I despised the medicines and eventually stopped taking them.
I was continuously told to become more outgoing like my sibling, a far more attractive personality. How could I when I did not have the confidence? From a bubbly kid, I became more withdrawn, lost in my own world, finding solace in books and songs. I thought if I stayed away from people, I wouldn’t disappoint them, and they wouldn’t hurt me either.
It was during my late teenage years that I stumbled upon the online world. I had just gotten access to the internet at home. I was mesmerized by the sea of opportunities that opened up to me. The plus being I could hide behind a screen and avoid being judged for my looks or my introversion. It felt like a less judgemental world. Back then, it was. Social media platforms did not exist, and people were not spewing hatred at each other.
One fine day, I happened to chance upon a public chat platform for youngsters. Word was going around in school that it was a fun group. I jumped on the bandwagon, curious to know what it was like. It was where I finally found my voice.
I am not sure if it was the comfort of facelessness or the fact that there was no pretty privilege involved that did the trick of helping me get out of my shell. In the online world, only your persona is seen. Your thoughts, your emotions become the highlights. That’s what I put forth in my chats with random strangers. All messages were posted publicly, and people could tag you and respond to them. It was safe and secure since it was a closed group where creeps were promptly banned or blocked. Due vigilance is required when you chat with strangers, and the group moderators ensured it was a safe space for everyone.
Talking in the group was like having a big group discussion. And for the first time in my life, I felt I was a part of something. People were engaging with my words. They found me interesting. They laughed at my jokes. I was the center of attention. Something I thought I would never be again.
The interactions were a stepping stone in my life and contributed to my change in attitude. It gave me confidence that even if my looks are against me, I have what it takes to engage someone. It was a slow but sure climb from then on.
The universe works in a funny way. As soon as I gained confidence, I started making friends. I even started to look better. I was and will always be introverted and never be the party starter or the energetic go-getter, but I learned how to deal with people. I am at my most confident at the moment, but it has been a long, steady ride to get there.
The impact of online interactions has been anything but inconsequential in my life. It helped me realize I was much more than what people offline gave me credit for.
The Monkey Dilemma 
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