3 Reasons Why Moving Abroad Doesn’t Make Sense to Someone Like Me

The number of people migrating from India to other countries is increasing every year. The foreign dream does not seem impossible anymore. Parents are willing to help in any way they can just so their children can live a life they could not. If there are monetary issues, loans are taken, or assets are sold.

It feels like a “do or die” situation nowadays, with everyone seemingly hurrying to escape India. Despite all this, I am deeply rooted in home, holding on to this land and its people with a tight grasp, refusing to let go.

Being Close to Family

There are many reasons why I never considered leaving. The primary one being, I want to be near my parents. I absolutely understand people who want to move to a place far away to maintain some distance from their parents (or in-laws). It is a subjective choice. But, I have always been someone extremely attached to my family. I cannot bear to be apart from them.

Home is where my family is. It has always been. My parents would have been more than happy if I had left the place. But I know where my happiness lies. It’s with them. In this limited time that I will spend on this planet, I want to spend it with the people I love the most. It’s my only dream.

Familiarity

I am in my 40s, so I am at a stage where I am less flexible to change. This mass migration to other countries is a recent development. When I was in my teens, everyone planned to stay back in India for further studies. A select few, the economically well-off ones, went abroad.

When you get older, you want familiar evils around you. I wanted to navigate the tried and tested, the known, not the unfamiliar territories with their own issues. I wanted the same people around me. I wanted peace and stability. I know for a fact that if I landed in a place that looked like heaven, it still wouldn’t have had the same effect as home.

Homebody

I am a homebody. When not with my close ones, I like to stay indoors, lost in my own world. My home is my happy place, my sanctuary. I introspect, read, write, exercise, dance, sing, and do more to entertain myself in this small space I call mine.

I have always been a borderline loner. It wasn’t something that happened overnight because of some trauma or incident. This personality was engrained in me since day one. Though I have learned the art of faking an extroverted personality for work and social activities, it does not change the fact that, at my core, I am a true-blue introvert whose energy gets drained by prolonged exposure to people.

I know that if I were to move to a foreign country, my personality is not going to magically change. I would still be a homebody. Due to my nature, moving continents just to stay at home does not make sense. For an individual like me, India can be a dream place. The country is so digitalized right now that I can buy, order, or book anything I want without leaving my house – medicines, groceries, food, taxis, medical tests, bills, and more. It is a homebody’s dream!

Ultimately, it depends on one’s personal choice. I know many who want to escape India purely because of their in-laws’ or relatives’ taunts. They find migration the best solution. Such reasons are entirely valid. Live in a place that gives you joy. It does not have to be India. However, my point is, never fall for what’s popular or in trend right now without considering your own needs. Ask yourself, “Is this what you really want and why? Or do you want it only because everyone else does?”

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Photo by Darshak Pandya

An Ode to Aligning With Your Natural Skills

An excerpt from Atomic Habits by James Clear:

Habits are easier to perform, and more satisfying to stick with, when they align with your natural inclinations and abilities. You want to play a game where the odds are in your favor. Embracing this strategy requires the acceptance of the simple truth that people are born with different abilities. Some people don’t like to discuss this fact. On the surface, your genes seem to be fixed, and it’s no fun to talk about things you cannot control. The areas where you are genetically predisposed to success are the areas where habits are more likely to be satisfying. The key is to direct your effort toward areas that both excite you and match your natural skills, to align your ambition with your ability.

This paragraph got me nodding away.

We all believe hard work can get us anywhere. It does, to a limit. If we are not naturally talented in what we are doing, more effort is required. But how much effort is too much? When do we stop? This requires some self-awareness. As the famous adage goes, “You cannot judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree.” No matter how much you believe “I will learn to fly one day,” it is physically impossible, even if you practice for hours on end flapping your arms, thinking your hard work will pay off one day.

Consider my case. I am not particularly good at math. I can solve problems, but it takes more time than average. My strengths are my patience and determination, which almost always help me figure out a solution. If I were to start a career in finance (which I did once upon a time), I would have been a disaster due to my dislike for numbers. Currently, I have made my financial life more manageable by outsourcing money-related decisions to experts. Instead, I took up a job that rewarded my problem-solving skills, irrespective of how long it took me to discover a solution. My work is challenging, but since it naturally aligns with what I am good at, there is considerably less friction. As a result, I am happier doing what I do.

Acknowledging your limitations shouldn’t be treated as a failure. On the contrary, it’s more energy-efficient to align with your natural skills and play to your strengths instead of moving far away from them. You need not over-stress yourself with things that do not seem to improve, no matter how hard you try. Maybe there is something else you are naturally good at.

I read that as kids, BTS members V and Jung Kook experimented in different fields to understand their aptitude. Their parents encouraged it. Both eventually chose music. Afterward, when V had a stress-related emotional meltdown, his father told him it was okay to come back home. “We can find something else you’re good at,” he said. However, V persisted because he didn’t want to disappoint his family. Those words of encouragement meant a lot to him. It made him realize that even if he quit, he could sail through. But not everyone is like V (or his parents).

I honestly feel we should be told it is okay to give up and try out other things when the time comes so we don’t get stuck in a depressing rut. Not everything in life can be achieved with hard work. And that’s okay.

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Photo by Pok Rie

An Ode to Paving Your Own Paradise

I went on the road that I was told not to take,

I did things I was told not to do,

I wanted things I couldn’t want, I got hurt and hurt again;

You can call me stupid, then I’ll just smile

I don’t wanna succeed by doing things I don’t wanna do.
Wings by BTS

I came across the above verse by RM (kindly translated by a Reddit user), and it made me think of my own life decisions. The words resonated with me a lot – taking the path that isn’t the norm because it feels right. It could be a path filled with mistakes, it could be stupid or nonsensical, ridiculed by others, but it does not matter because the path is authentically mine.

I went against the tide when I was young and still am – living as a 40-year-old single woman in a society that emphasizes marriage and having a family is not for the faint-hearted. I am bang in the center of all the guilt-tripping and moral policing, but I still am going strong because there is no other way I would have it.

There are other things I do that aren’t considered ideal, like not being ambitious or wanting to race to the top. I am generally content in life. The new world requires you to be on your toes, aiming for the best always, and be in a constant state of restlessness. That streak was missing in me since childhood. I enjoy the slow life and the calmness and peace that it entails. I knew doing anything else could only result in me being unhappy.

How do we stay true to ourselves when the world wants us to go the opposite way?

They tell you not to live your life through your feelings, but that’s how I have been till now. I do not get into something half-hearted just because it is the norm. It may or may not seem like the best way for others, but it sure as well keeps me sane. It took me a long time to accept this side of me – I spent more than 30 years thinking something was wrong with how I felt. Considering I’m in my 40s, that’s a very short period of me feeling a sense of normalcy.

Don’t do that to yourself. And don’t let anyone make you spend more than 75% of your life thinking you are “weird” or “out of place” or an alien. Your feelings are valid. I don’t think people realize this when they are young because we are competitive and constantly comparing ourselves to others. But over time, you will realize there is only one authentic, wholesome, happy way to live your life – and that’s yours.

Ending with a beautiful song by BTS, titled Paradise. It’s a lyrical video, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the words of motivation:

It’s alright to stop

You don’t need to run without knowing why

It’s alright to not have any dreams

If you have moments where you can feel happiness

It’s alright to stop

Don’t run without knowing where you’re going anymore

It’s alright not to have any dreams

All of the air you breathe out is already paradise

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Photo by Gabriel Hohol

Why You Should Read Non-Fiction

Recently, I came across a proficient Bollywood actress saying, “I don’t read non-fiction. My mind is fine as it is. I don’t need to learn anything more.” I was a bit taken aback by her statement. Not because she said she didn’t like non-fiction, which is entirely her personal choice, but by the fact that she thinks there’s nothing more to learn.

When we stop learning, we stop growing. I don’t think we ever reach a saturation point when it comes to knowledge. There’s always something new to study – be it from our own experiences or others. It’s impossible to learn everything by ourselves, which is where non-fiction comes in. Such books expand your horizons, even if they demand a certain amount of mental effort from us.

Not many enjoy non-fiction. It makes you feel like you are studying in contrast to a fictional book that offers a more relaxed, entertaining vibe. We have always associated non-fiction with our school textbooks. So it’s no surprise why many detest reading the genre. Personally, I find myself having to work my grey cells more when I am reading an autobiography or a self-help book. They require you to think and retrospect, which does not qualify for “easy reading.”

But to never read non-fiction, in my opinion, is a sin. You have some of the world’s best documenting their experiences and learnings on a subject of interest in the most compact form possible to help others who would otherwise have spent countless hours trying to learn the same. Why miss that golden opportunity?

Here are some reasons why you should consider reading non-fiction:

It allows you to learn from other people’s mistakes. The people who have written the books have more experience than us regarding certain subjects, so why not trust them? When you read through their mistakes, you get to learn what to avoid.

Some points stick. When you read non-fiction, you can be assured some valuable points will stick. You will end up discarding a lot of info that doesn’t align with your thought process. Still, you will unknowingly absorb valuable insights for future use. When the time comes, these tidbits will hover over in the background, helping you make the right decision. You might not remember which book you got the idea from, but the important thing is you retained the information for personal use. This can be very useful, be it at work, studies, or even personal day-to-day interactions.

They give you a new perspective. When I go through self-help books, I am almost always gifted with a new way of perceiving things, which I wouldn’t have if left to my own devices. The people around me are echo chambers, and we often hear the same viewpoints repeatedly. This is why people tell you to travel – so you get to experience different cultures, values, and insights. A more accessible, affordable option is to read non-fiction. It broadens your horizons, making you understand that yours is not the only way to live. There are many different kinds of people with different stories, unique experiences, and beliefs. Non-fiction helps you explore all of it in the comfort of your home.

I agree you can do all three by watching YouTube videos or listening to podcasts, but there’s only so much you can include in video and audio formats. In comparison, books are able to contain a lot more information. Plus, scanning or searching for info in a book is easier, especially if you own a Kindle.

So, do give non-fiction a chance by picking a topic of interest. You do not have to finish everything in one go. Try five pages, a chapter, or even one page instead. Each page you finish takes you that much closer to developing a new mindset.

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Photo by Gu00fcl Iu015fu0131k

An Ode to Playful Adults

I am a new k-entertainment fan. I have started bingeing kdramas, kpop, kceleb interviews, and variety shows. I adore BTS and absolutely love all the members. As someone in her 40s, I am not ashamed to be a fan, though many people think k-entertainment is primarily for young adults. I feel art and music transcend all generations, and everyone, irrespective of age, should be able to enjoy creativity in all forms.

One thing that strikes me, especially in BTS, is how playful even the eldest member (Jin) is. That got me thinking – why don’t we see more adults being playful? Almost every adult you see has a serious, practically poker-faced sense of humor. They express their happiness less and worry more. I find it true in India, where I live, but I am sure it’s a practice across the globe. Probably because we relate seriousness with maturity. The more serious you look, the more mature you are considered to be.

Why can’t we be playful as we age instead of becoming no-nonsense adults?

Why do we have to lose our childlike qualities when we grow up?

Why can’t we look at the world with the same curiosity and wide-eyed wonder?

Most of these questions have one answer: life experiences. What we go through in life tends to sober us down and take some of that effervescent energy away. I look at my posts and realize how I have become more serious over the years. I kind of miss the younger, quirkier me. Friends who had the most incredible sense of humor have mellowed due to the pressure that age brings with it. When older people say that school and college offer the best days of your life, they mean it – you get to enjoy things with abandon when you are young. “Maturity” is a sham that can drain that enthusiasm away – we smile less, joke even less, and constantly worry about what the future will behold.

Another reason is society. People expect you to be serious and leave your childlike qualities behind when you turn older; otherwise, you’re deemed immature. It does not matter if you do your duties meticulously and perform all your responsibilities. If you project any playful traits, you are looked at with judgment.

Blessed are those, in my opinion, who get to retain their childlike playfulness in this world that tends to be a spoilsport. The ability to joke around, laugh wholeheartedly many times a day, and find happiness in the smallest things is a skill that many of us would do better to possess. Such qualities make the world a happier place to live in, for our own selves and the people around us.

So, to people who bring joy to those around them with their playful antics, instead of preaching, “Be more mature. This is not the age for such things,” I would like to say, “Please stay the same! You bring joy just the way you are.”

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Photo by Godisable Jacob

An Ode to Love in the Times of Ageing

“What does love feel like?” asked a member of a community I am a part of. She had never experienced romantic love before and was genuinely curious about what to expect when she eventually falls in love – Is love easy? Is it kind? Is it everything movies and books make it out to be?

In my 20s, my answer would have been, “Love means you are willing to do anything for the person.” It meant no inhibitions, forgiving all mistakes, and smiling positively through the storms. There is no sense of self. You are engulfed by passion and intimacy to the point your brain cells cease to function.

The way we look at love in our 20s might be derived from various sources – movies, shows, books, music videos, social media, interviews, etc. The love depicted in public is often dreamy, romantic, and glossy. The type that makes our hearts sing. We expect our partners to follow the same route – always say and do the right things at the right time. However, it is not as simple. One must undergo real experiences to truly understand and form our own definition of love.

My perception of love changed considerably in my 40s.

Love no longer means giving up everything to make a relationship work, especially your self-respect. Love means being at ease with your partner, not walking on your toes, and being anxious about their reaction. Love is comfort, like a tight hug after a tiring day, like a cup of coffee embracing you with its warmth. An emotion that is balanced, not agitating and swinging back and forth between extremes of love and hate.

I have experienced bad relationships and am thankful I overcame them unscathed. Back then, blinded by love, I would find excuses to justify any form of disrespect I got. I would tell myself, “They must have had a bad day.” “Maybe they didn’t mean what they said.” But over time, you learn not everything is done unintentionally. If a mistake happens more than once, it is not a mistake, it’s a habit, a conscious decision. But the young me did not understand all this. I was under the impression that the harder I worked in my relationship, the easier it would be for my partner to love me.

Love requires some amount of compromise, for sure. But how much is too much? Only you can answer that yourself. Different people have different levels of tolerance. What might sound disrespectful to me might not be for the other person. However, a general rule of thumb is that I should feel at ease with my partner and be able to communicate freely without fear.

I am curious how my definition of love will change over the next 20 years. Will love be more balanced than it is now, or would it sway? Only time can tell.

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Photo by cottonbro studio