Relationships have never been a smooth sail for me. The kind of love glorified in movies and online platforms always felt like a distant dream. Agreed that cinema and social media do not always portray the complete picture. Yet, I envy people with uncomplicated relationships – they meet, like each other, and live happily ever after. Simple as that. For me, it has always been – we meet, we like each other, things fizzle out, distance, heartbreak, and increased caution.
I can cite many reasons for my past relationships not ending as I wanted them to. By this, I do not mean marriage, as that is not my end goal. I have been married once, and it was enough to make me realize that a traditional marriage, with its many rules and regulations, is not meant for someone unorthodox like me. It also wouldn’t be fair to impose my eccentric perspective on a family that adheres strictly to traditional marriage norms. In India, let’s face it, most families do want a marriage that sticks with the conventional route. Anyway, that’s a topic for another day.
What I seek is a long-lasting, peaceful, healthy, uncomplicated companionship rooted in friendship. The type that doesn’t make you stand on your toes or feel a sense of dread. The kind that doesn’t try to control or abuse. It is free-flowing and natural. A type of love that is as comforting as a warm cup of chai.
This post is not about my past relationships. It does not seek to give any motivational, positive advice. The thing I want to focus on is my feelings. There is always a fear lingering, no thanks to previous experiences.
I am currently in a relationship with the most caring man I have ever met. Someone who makes me feel at ease. I am at my most authentic self in his presence. However, sometimes, I look at his kindness with skepticism.
When you have had people playing with your feelings in the past, you eye even the sincere ones with suspicion. It’s a survival mechanism. You want to protect yourself from any impending heartbreak. You do that by asking yourself tough questions. You put yourself in a spot. You wonder if there will ever come a point when they, too, will start acting distant. Would the person, over time, forget that you two shared meaningful moments together, and end up talking in a manner devoid of any warmth or friendship as if you are a complete stranger wasting their time? Do you have it in you to deal with one more heartbreak, one more connection that transitions towards indifference?
These dark emotions are exclusive to us, the lovers with a broken track record.
It’s a terrible game your mind plays. Even your heart. You find yourself saying, “Be careful. Keep a safe distance always. It helps.” However, it is easier said than done. Gaining control over matters of the heart is not easy. It almost sounds robotic to do so. Humans often default to trust, hoping they’ve made the right choice and leaving the rest to fate. If events are destined, they’ll unfold regardless. Obsessing over control only brings suffocation and regret.
Life has this uncanny ability to unravel answers to your most pressing questions over time. That’s the one pro of aging – you gain this awareness that the answer will indeed arrive, if not now, then at a later stage. The sane thing to do would be to wait patiently instead of torturing yourself with questions that no one, even yourself, would be able to answer at the moment.
The Lok Sabha Election is around the corner. As with any other election, it is of prime importance that an Indian citizen makes informed decisions before casting their vote. By “informed decision,” I do not mean it should be based on what the media shows you. Or what your relative or friend tells you. It should be based on your own independent research. It is a prerequisite because almost every individual and media house is biased nowadays. They are responsible for spreading a particular narrative without looking at both sides.
We often look at a political party and vote. I believe voting for a party without considering their achievements and contributions could lead them to take us for a ride and get away with misusing our tax money. Instead, we should scrutinize performances. Real data. If we wish our country to prosper, we must be more vigilant and not blindly trust any political party, journalist, or media.
The most foolproof way to assess a party’s performance is by observing the changes in your immediate surroundings. Take a moment to observe—your neighborhood, people in your locality, infrastructure, law and order, and security. What aspects do you appreciate? What do you dislike? Who is responsible for this change that you like or dislike? The state or center? Consider creating a checklist. Form your opinion based on this checklist, not what a person from another district, state, or country tells you. If someone says the country isn’t peaceful because of selective news, but your own experience is positive, it’s best to rely on what you know firsthand to form a judgment. Because this is the most credible piece of news there is – it’s coming straight from your eyes.
Online research
During these times filled with agendas, it’s crucial to conduct independent online research. Google should be your best friend!
Keep in mind that most sources push specific narratives that suit their agenda, with left-leaning channels often criticizing the government and right-leaning ones rarely finding fault. If a source only focuses on one narrative, it’s likely biased. Avoid blindly trusting your favorite party, politician, or journalist. Instead, gather data from both left and right-leaning portals to get a more balanced picture. For this to effectively happen, you must keep your biases at bay.
I use Media Fact Check Bias to determine whether an online news portal is left or right-leaning. This information is helpful as it will give us a hint into what kind of bias to expect. The website also shows whether the portal is credible based on whether they have given proper credit, passed fact checks, etc.
An essential research doc to refer to is the RBI docs, such as the State Finances: A Study of Budgets of 2023-24. They provide insights into how your state government is managing your money. Look into their spending on infrastructure, education, research, wages, and salaries, how debt-ridden they are, etc. RBI is a neutral entity, so it’s the best place to get the most authentic information for your research. The doc also provides insightful information on how the states manage their funds.
To understand complex terms and sentences, AI chatbots like those found in Bing, ChatGPT, and Bard are a godsend. They simplify information, making it extremely helpful for research and learning. We’re fortunate to have these tools available to help us, making this an excellent time for conducting research and expanding our knowledge. Don’t know what “Revenue Deficit” is? Go on and ask a chatbot, “What is Revenue Deficit? Explain in simple language,” and watch the magic unfold.
What should I add to my checklist?
Here are some items to add to your checklist. Your answers, I repeat, should be based on your own personal experiences and individual research, not someone else’s.
Improvements in your locality
Do you see improvements in your locality?
If yes, who is responsible? The center or state?
Note down each improvement on an Excel sheet. Google to find out who is responsible for the achievement.
I recently did this for my state (Kerala). I was surprised that many developments were not due to my state government.
I wish journalists or media provided this information, but unfortunately, you won’t find a single website with all the details. You’ll have to gather the information yourself.
2019 manifesto
Have you looked into the current government’s 2019 manifesto? Have they fulfilled all their promises? Research and find out. Even if you do not like the party, you should keep your biases aside and look into the data. If you are too tired to look into it, I recommend Think School’s YouTube video. It is a balanced “BJP Report Card” that looks into each item in the manifesto and provides results based on facts.
Safety and security
Is your locality mostly peaceful? Do you feel safe and secure?
How are extremist groups (across all religions/political affiliations) dealt with in your state?
Would you consider your leaders (state and center) as terror sympathizers? Are they strong enough to proactively take action against terrorists?
A diverse country like India cannot be harmonious 365 days a year. Conflicts may arise from time to time, which is normal. The media often exaggerates, making every issue seem urgent.
However, the external and internal security of the country should not be ignored or taken lightly by any government or citizen. In today’s world, safety and security are paramount for every country, given the increasing threat of extremism globally. A capable leader must possess the strength and determination to proactively address such challenges.
Communal politics?
Now, this is tricky. India has always been polarized. Religion is what tore India and Pakistan apart. Communal conflicts have been a part of our history, often at a higher intensity than what we observe today. It would be naive to consider polarization as a recent development. The rise of social media over the past decade has simply made us more aware of these issues.
Politicians have played us like puppets since time immemorial by using religion as a string for votes. It is a tool that politicians can easily use to manipulate us. Therefore, I think voters shouldn’t give them that power. We should look at the broader picture and put the political parties to the test based on their achievements, not the petty politics they play.
Personally, I prefer not to look into the communal angle because I have seen both the left and right trying to agitate people in the name of religion. In India, the right is considered pro-Hindu, whereas the left is considered pro-Muslim, and they select and spread news according to that bias. This, in my opinion, creates more polarization. As long as religion exists in India, communalism will exist. When we cease to give it importance, the politicians will stop playing this game.
Conclusion
The checkpoints listed above are my personal guidelines. When each of us works on a checklist that reflects our country’s priorities, we empower ourselves to make informed decisions, ultimately contributing to a brighter future for India. As individuals sharing the same homeland, it’s incumbent upon us to support our nation’s prosperity by voting for strong leaders who align with its progress.
Let’s work together for a better future. Jai Hind!
When will we start looking at each other, not as left or right wing, but as Indians again? We lost ourselves somewhere along the way and fell into the muck head-first that political parties and fanatics laid out for us. They wanted to divide us on the basis of religion and politics. We can safely say now that they have succeeded.
We are more divided than ever before. We look at each other as villains, not citizens of the same soil.
Can we go back to the stage where we all felt like one? Did that phase ever exist? We were probably always this polarized, but the lack of social media helped cover it up.
I have only one dream – that we put our country first, above everything, including religion, caste, ideologies, political leanings, etc. It’s a huge ask. It’s definitely more challenging than spreading hatred. However, it is the need of the hour so our country can progress further.
For India to develop, we should work together. Politicians will not do it, so it’s up to us, the civilians, to make the effort. I hope to see India as a developed and prosperous country before I bid goodbye to this world. One can dream for one’s country, no matter how improbable. However, such dreams can materialize only if we come together as one, forgetting our differences and working towards the common goal, with nothing else to distract us.
When someone tries to separate us, we should look at each other with empathy and understanding. Instead of harboring a victim mentality, we should grow together. We should think, will the country prosper from our hatred and animosity? Is enmity worth it in the long run?
Elections are coming soon. We can expect more divisive politics. Be mindful of the games people play.
Judge not on the basis of what social media algorithms propagate or even what the newspapers or journalists report. Everyone seems biased at the moment. Judge on the basis of your own quality of life, personal experiences, and surroundings. Judge on the basis of your own contributions to the country – did you help in any way? Even maintaining peace and decorum during heights of conflict is a worthy contribution.
Truth be told, there were times I wished there was a law that banned religion-based talks on social media and news channels. If we stopped talking about religion, if we considered each other as humans first, there would undoubtedly be more empathy. But political parties thrive on identity politics. They can win only if religion is mentioned. So, a ban is out of the question. This is true for all major parties in India: BJP (considered pro-Hindu) and Congress (considered pro-Muslim). Everyone has a game to play based on religion, and we foolishly fall for it, fostering hate for one another.
When a religion or caste is constantly criticized, people affiliated with that religion or caste become more polarized. It’s the sad truth of life. Things don’t dramatically reform. It takes understanding, empathy, and kindness to one another to bring about change. Hate, abuse, and shaming do nothing other than deteriorate matters further.
Since childhood, we have been made to recite, “All Indians are our brothers and sisters,” and we have never questioned those words. I hope we return to that state someday, where we can see each other as one, part of the same soil.
As the year comes to a close, it’s time for introspection on goals achieved, comfort zones demolished, and new skills acquired. I don’t have much to report, except that I survived.
It was not an easy year. Most of my holidays were spent doing something I intensely dislike – hospital visits. They induce a great deal of stress in me, more mental than physical. For the uninitiated, my parent was diagnosed with a heart condition, which took several days of hospitalization, tests, and treatments. It is difficult for a child to see their parent falter as age catches up on them. This year was that kind of year for me, riddled with lessons.
What doesn’t break you makes you stronger
Time keeps on proving the legibility of this quote. I am a divorcee in India, so I am no stranger to struggles. However, 2023 went a tad extra by making my loved one suffer. Initially, I didn’t know how to deal with the situation, cried helpless tears, and dramatically kept asking, “Why me?” But then the universe kindly shows you a way.
At first, you feel a sort of resistance. You are not ready to accept this new phase in life. You’re breaking out of the comfort zone of all the struggles you have known till now. This is a new struggle, one that you need time to adapt. It becomes easier over time. You get stronger. Not because the concern is any less but because your system learns to handle it better.
I survived a difficult phase this year.
Not everyone will be by your side when you need them
I am grateful for everyone who graced me with their love and support. Their kindness knows no bounds. Some supported me by being present, some through their words, and some with quiet perseverance.
But sometimes, the people you expect the most support from fail to meet your expectations. This could be friends, family, or relatives. It comes as a bolt out of the blue because you realize you probably don’t mean as much to them. It’s a difficult pill to digest. However, I am taking it in my stride, marking it as a lesson that may come in handy in the future.
I survived the absence of (a few) loved ones.
Different ideologies shouldn’t spoil your friendship
I may not have a mainstream view on many issues, but that has never motivated me to lash out at someone with opposing views. This year, I learned to be more accommodating of contradictory views, both religious and political. Sometimes, it is difficult, especially when people use accusatory tones. Still, for the most part, I have been cordial, respectful, and unintimidating.
I survived the danger of fostering a different ideology.
Conclusion
If all you did this year was survive, I want to tell you from personal experience that it’s not something that should be casually dismissed with the notion that it is of less importance. It is a life-changing struggle, dealing with every fiber of your being not working as per protocol and finally making peace with it at some level. It takes courage and patience.
During this holiday season, feeling a sense of failure is natural when you see people around you list all their accomplishments. However, know that dealing with issues that life throws your way, no matter how big or small, is a significant accomplishment in itself. Survival is a beautiful thing. We should celebrate it more.
I recently retook the MBTI test after a few years to see if my personality had changed. I noticed that some of my friends went from being introverted to extroverted, or the other way around, due to their life experiences. This made me curious about my own metamorphosis.
The test didn’t have anything new to offer for me. I am still as introverted as ever. Even though these results are not to be taken to heart, I agree with my assessment of being a 100% introvert. I am yet to see someone who is as introverted (not shy) as I am. Or maybe I have not met one because they are as reclusive as me.
So, what does it mean to be a 100% introvert? I can only talk from personal experience. Here’s what makes me one:
Social interactions tend to drain me, even with my close ones. If I put on a fake extroverted persona for an extended period, I feel exhausted by the end of the day, and I have to overcome that fatigue by sleeping a lot. This phony outgoing persona is a survival mechanism that introverts often adopt to function in this society that only rewards extroversion.
I can survive without talking to anyone for hours. But that doesn’t stop my monkey mind from blabbering non-stop. Hence, this blog.
I absolutely detest phone calls. But I am slowly making peace with it because many things are better discussed through calls. It’s faster, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to get an answer through text first.
I explain things better through text. I get more clarity while I write.
I used to be a chat person, but not any longer. In short, I am not much of a phone person!
I prefer one-on-one interactions because I find them more insightful. A group setting is the best for fun conversations, though.
I get absolute joy from canceled plans. I have big-time JOMO.
I can stay indoors for days without feeling bored, sad, or lonely.
I’m a single woman in my 40s. I prefer not to get married because I crave too much personal space.
New situations disorient me. I take time to adjust to them.
I tend to have an emotional meltdown if I have several new things bombarding me simultaneously. To avoid any sensory overload, I consciously focus on one new thing at a time. Of course, this is not always possible. However, if given a choice, I go step-by-step and sort of soothe myself into the new scenario.
I am hypersensitive to sound, so I like to avoid “happening” places. Yes, I am boring.
If you want to try the test, you can do it for free at 16Personalities. However, this is not a professionally accredited test.
***Note: As I write this, my thoughts are scattered. I’m thinking of those facing unsettling times, displaced and disoriented in volatile regions, many of whom have lost loved ones. If you’ve read this far, I’d like to request a moment of contemplation. Let’s hope for peace to prevail. Let’s control our anger and emotions during these testing times and treat each other with empathy and respect. There’s enough hate in this world. Let us be mindful not to add to it.
I have been grieving over what happened in the last few weeks.
Sometimes, I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of global affairs, so I could avoid the tyranny of empathy. It would have done me a lot of good if my line of thinking was, “There are enough issues in India. Why should I focus on other countries?“
However, that’s not the case.
I am witnessing an ugly side of humanity, something I never observed in close quarters before. Innocent civilian deaths are being condemned based on race, community, history, and other factors. A lot of analysis is done before deciding whether to mourn the departed.
No one seems to see the civilians as people with their own set of traumas and fears. Each one is trying to prove why the deaths of “others” are justified. I saw similar arguments happening between friends. It just broke my heart.
I can feel something in me shifting. I think it’s grief from broken expectations. Pain changes you. It molds you into someone who is more prepared to deal with similar mind-numbing events in the future. Your mount of delusions slowly starts cracking, the same ones that had previously shielded you from the truth and kept you blissfully happy. I feel vulnerable in this new revelation. Everything feels like a daze, and my sleep is disturbed. It feels like a raw wound that will take time to recover from. At the same time, I am grieving the departure of my older version. The one that was relatively more optimistic about the goodness in people.
I am at a stage where I have to repeatedly comfort myself, saying it’s okay to let go of things I cannot control. I hope I find it in myself to forgive people who participated in selective empathy.
I want a peaceful tomorrow. But it looks like a distant dream now.
I am craving more than ever for a rational group that condemns the cruelty of innocent civilians, regardless of religion, race, or political affiliations. A group where humanity is the sole focus.
The Monkey Dilemma 
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