How Does It Feel to Lose a Parent?

Losses are an unavoidable part of life. You win over some people while you lose others. However, some losses, especially the death of a parent, are permanent and leave an aching scar. Nothing can truly prepare you for this. The experience is uniquely profound in the sense that we often take our parents for granted, assuming they will always be there. When death eventually rears its ugly head, it comes as a rude shock.

I lost my father several years ago. I still vividly remember the days leading to his death. He had started losing his memory and was facing hallucinations. The doctors we consulted were unable to treat his issue effectively. As someone who has seen her father as a proactive and energetic man most of her life, this transition was unbearable. The pain and suffering of my loved ones always scared me. You feel helpless, knowing nothing you do can make them feel better. You also feel helpless witnessing their own struggle to comfort themselves.

Distance ends up helping your mental health in such circumstances, but it also brings with it a terrible amount of guilt. Some children go abroad and feel guilty for not spending enough time with their parents. I stayed near my parents, yet the guilt remained. How can you perfectly cater to your own mental health, essential for managing daily work life, while caring for an ailing loved one? It is not easy. This is the most difficult stage for any family member acting as a caregiver. We simply do not know how to navigate the situation.

My father quietly passed away one day while we were in the midst of hiring professional help for his care. It had become emotionally taxing for my mother to take care of him alone, so we needed the extra support. I guess his leaving us was his way of saying, “Don’t worry too much about me. I’m going to a better place where all my needs will be taken care of.“

People often say that time heals the pain of losing a loved one. As someone who has lived with grief for several years, I can tell you it’s a lie. You never heal from a loved one’s death; you simply make peace with it. The sadness becomes a part of you, often camouflaging itself well within the depths of your soul, but it sometimes surfaces unexpectedly. When it does, you embrace it, sit with it until the moment passes, and then carry on with your life.

The sadness travels with you like a silent, understanding companion. It doesn’t demand your attention all the time, but it never leaves you. You don’t wish for it to leave you alone, either. In this digital, robotic world, when circumstances make me feel like I am devoid of sentiments, all I have to do is think of my father. As my eyes well up, I feel relieved knowing my soul still aches from his memory. It serves as a gentle reminder that I am still a living, breathing being, capable of experiencing deep, intense emotions.

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Picture Courtesy: Matthias Zomer

The Worries of a Lover with a History of Heartbreak

Relationships have never been a smooth sail for me. The kind of love glorified in movies and online platforms always felt like a distant dream. Agreed that cinema and social media do not always portray the complete picture. Yet, I envy people with uncomplicated relationships – they meet, like each other, and live happily ever after. Simple as that. For me, it has always been – we meet, we like each other, things fizzle out, distance, heartbreak, and increased caution.

I can cite many reasons for my past relationships not ending as I wanted them to. By this, I do not mean marriage, as that is not my end goal. I have been married once, and it was enough to make me realize that a traditional marriage, with its many rules and regulations, is not meant for someone unorthodox like me. It also wouldn’t be fair to impose my eccentric perspective on a family that adheres strictly to traditional marriage norms. In India, let’s face it, most families do want a marriage that sticks with the conventional route. Anyway, that’s a topic for another day.

What I seek is a long-lasting, peaceful, healthy, uncomplicated companionship rooted in friendship. The type that doesn’t make you stand on your toes or feel a sense of dread. The kind that doesn’t try to control or abuse. It is free-flowing and natural. A type of love that is as comforting as a warm cup of chai.

This post is not about my past relationships. It does not seek to give any motivational, positive advice. The thing I want to focus on is my feelings. There is always a fear lingering, no thanks to previous experiences.

I am currently in a relationship with the most caring man I have ever met. Someone who makes me feel at ease. I am at my most authentic self in his presence. However, sometimes, I look at his kindness with skepticism.

When you have had people playing with your feelings in the past, you eye even the sincere ones with suspicion. It’s a survival mechanism. You want to protect yourself from any impending heartbreak. You do that by asking yourself tough questions. You put yourself in a spot. You wonder if there will ever come a point when they, too, will start acting distant. Would the person, over time, forget that you two shared meaningful moments together, and end up talking in a manner devoid of any warmth or friendship as if you are a complete stranger wasting their time? Do you have it in you to deal with one more heartbreak, one more connection that transitions towards indifference?

These dark emotions are exclusive to us, the lovers with a broken track record.

It’s a terrible game your mind plays. Even your heart. You find yourself saying, “Be careful. Keep a safe distance always. It helps.” However, it is easier said than done. Gaining control over matters of the heart is not easy. It almost sounds robotic to do so. Humans often default to trust, hoping they’ve made the right choice and leaving the rest to fate. If events are destined, they’ll unfold regardless. Obsessing over control only brings suffocation and regret.

Life has this uncanny ability to unravel answers to your most pressing questions over time. That’s the one pro of aging – you gain this awareness that the answer will indeed arrive, if not now, then at a later stage. The sane thing to do would be to wait patiently instead of torturing yourself with questions that no one, even yourself, would be able to answer at the moment.

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Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR

An Ode to Surviving 2023

As the year comes to a close, it’s time for introspection on goals achieved, comfort zones demolished, and new skills acquired. I don’t have much to report, except that I survived.

It was not an easy year. Most of my holidays were spent doing something I intensely dislike – hospital visits. They induce a great deal of stress in me, more mental than physical. For the uninitiated, my parent was diagnosed with a heart condition, which took several days of hospitalization, tests, and treatments. It is difficult for a child to see their parent falter as age catches up on them. This year was that kind of year for me, riddled with lessons.

What doesn’t break you makes you stronger

Time keeps on proving the legibility of this quote. I am a divorcee in India, so I am no stranger to struggles. However, 2023 went a tad extra by making my loved one suffer. Initially, I didn’t know how to deal with the situation, cried helpless tears, and dramatically kept asking, “Why me?” But then the universe kindly shows you a way.

At first, you feel a sort of resistance. You are not ready to accept this new phase in life. You’re breaking out of the comfort zone of all the struggles you have known till now. This is a new struggle, one that you need time to adapt. It becomes easier over time. You get stronger. Not because the concern is any less but because your system learns to handle it better.

I survived a difficult phase this year.

Not everyone will be by your side when you need them

I am grateful for everyone who graced me with their love and support. Their kindness knows no bounds. Some supported me by being present, some through their words, and some with quiet perseverance.

But sometimes, the people you expect the most support from fail to meet your expectations. This could be friends, family, or relatives. It comes as a bolt out of the blue because you realize you probably don’t mean as much to them. It’s a difficult pill to digest. However, I am taking it in my stride, marking it as a lesson that may come in handy in the future.

I survived the absence of (a few) loved ones.

Different ideologies shouldn’t spoil your friendship

I may not have a mainstream view on many issues, but that has never motivated me to lash out at someone with opposing views. This year, I learned to be more accommodating of contradictory views, both religious and political. Sometimes, it is difficult, especially when people use accusatory tones. Still, for the most part, I have been cordial, respectful, and unintimidating.

I survived the danger of fostering a different ideology.

Conclusion

If all you did this year was survive, I want to tell you from personal experience that it’s not something that should be casually dismissed with the notion that it is of less importance. It is a life-changing struggle, dealing with every fiber of your being not working as per protocol and finally making peace with it at some level. It takes courage and patience.

During this holiday season, feeling a sense of failure is natural when you see people around you list all their accomplishments. However, know that dealing with issues that life throws your way, no matter how big or small, is a significant accomplishment in itself. Survival is a beautiful thing. We should celebrate it more.

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Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

3 Reasons Why Moving Abroad Doesn’t Make Sense to Someone Like Me

The number of people migrating from India to other countries is increasing every year. The foreign dream does not seem impossible anymore. Parents are willing to help in any way they can just so their children can live a life they could not. If there are monetary issues, loans are taken, or assets are sold.

It feels like a “do or die” situation nowadays, with everyone seemingly hurrying to escape India. Despite all this, I am deeply rooted in home, holding on to this land and its people with a tight grasp, refusing to let go.

Being Close to Family

There are many reasons why I never considered leaving. The primary one being, I want to be near my parents. I absolutely understand people who want to move to a place far away to maintain some distance from their parents (or in-laws). It is a subjective choice. But, I have always been someone extremely attached to my family. I cannot bear to be apart from them.

Home is where my family is. It has always been. My parents would have been more than happy if I had left the place. But I know where my happiness lies. It’s with them. In this limited time that I will spend on this planet, I want to spend it with the people I love the most. It’s my only dream.

Familiarity

I am in my 40s, so I am at a stage where I am less flexible to change. This mass migration to other countries is a recent development. When I was in my teens, everyone planned to stay back in India for further studies. A select few, the economically well-off ones, went abroad.

When you get older, you want familiar evils around you. I wanted to navigate the tried and tested, the known, not the unfamiliar territories with their own issues. I wanted the same people around me. I wanted peace and stability. I know for a fact that if I landed in a place that looked like heaven, it still wouldn’t have had the same effect as home.

Homebody

I am a homebody. When not with my close ones, I like to stay indoors, lost in my own world. My home is my happy place, my sanctuary. I introspect, read, write, exercise, dance, sing, and do more to entertain myself in this small space I call mine.

I have always been a borderline loner. It wasn’t something that happened overnight because of some trauma or incident. This personality was engrained in me since day one. Though I have learned the art of faking an extroverted personality for work and social activities, it does not change the fact that, at my core, I am a true-blue introvert whose energy gets drained by prolonged exposure to people.

I know that if I were to move to a foreign country, my personality is not going to magically change. I would still be a homebody. Due to my nature, moving continents just to stay at home does not make sense. For an individual like me, India can be a dream place. The country is so digitalized right now that I can buy, order, or book anything I want without leaving my house – medicines, groceries, food, taxis, medical tests, bills, and more. It is a homebody’s dream!

Ultimately, it depends on one’s personal choice. I know many who want to escape India purely because of their in-laws’ or relatives’ taunts. They find migration the best solution. Such reasons are entirely valid. Live in a place that gives you joy. It does not have to be India. However, my point is, never fall for what’s popular or in trend right now without considering your own needs. Ask yourself, “Is this what you really want and why? Or do you want it only because everyone else does?”

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Photo by Darshak Pandya

An Ode to Not Being Kind

We are often told to be kind and help people whenever possible. This is advice that is good on paper. In the real world, we often must exercise caution.

Experience has been my best teacher of how kindness is not always necessary. I have learned to tread cautiously with anyone other than my immediate family, no matter how dependable and sincere they might appear.

Two minor incidents this year left me disappointed.

A next-door neighbor landed at my door with his laptop to finish some urgent work. He did not have a WiFi connection at home as he was an NRI. He requested my internet password, and I shared it with him without any second thoughts. He sent a few emails and left soon afterward. One year later, by chance, I came to know my WiFi was accessible at his apartment as well, and he and his entire family were using it without my permission. This incident left a bitter taste in my mouth. I wondered why anyone would use items owned by someone else on the sly, thinking they would never get caught. Internet in India is dirt cheap compared to many countries, which further increased my annoyance, as it is not a commodity out of reach for the common man. It blew my mind how people are ever-willing to mooch off others, even those who are probably earning less than them, instead of paying for the necessities themselves.

Lesson learned: Never share your WiFi password with neighbors.

My second experience involves sharing my OTT (streaming) account. I shared it with an NRI friend so he could watch this one show he was highly interested in. I thought after he was done with the show, he would venture out to get an account of his own. But that did not happen. He stayed on and started using it regularly. Since it was a single-device account, I found myself locked out whenever he watched something. If I asked for access, he would request an additional thirty minutes. This went on for two years. I suggested that he create an account for himself, but he would always come up with excuses, claiming that he didn’t need a full account. I got the impression that he wanted to stay on without paying for it. I finally took a stand and changed my password recently, and that was the end of the issue.

Lesson learned: People are always on the lookout for freebies, irrespective of their financial status. Before you give away something for free out of kindness, contemplate whether you will be okay with giving it away for an extended period of time. You have to take into consideration that the person might not stop using what they are getting for free. Worse, they might even share it with others.

Why is kindness mistaken for weakness? The nicest people we know are often taken for granted because they struggle to vocalize their frustrations and annoyance. If you ask, “Are you okay with it?” they will probably say it’s okay, fearing the consequences that a negative answer might evoke. When such situations happen, and a saturation point is reached, the nice person ends up not being so nice anymore, leading to dialogues from others such as, “You have changed.”

The courteous thing to do is to use other people’s possessions only for a short while. If you like the product, purchase it for personal use. If this is not feasible, the least a person can do is offer to share the rental rate or costs.

So yes, my advice to naïve, soft-hearted people is to not blindly trust others to always take the right step. Sometimes, boundaries need to be spelled out. Offer kindness with precaution – in optimal doses only.

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Photo by Jou00e3o

How Online Interactions Improved My Social Behavior

I was a timid youngster. Shy and introverted. You can say even socially anxious. When guests arrived, I would run and lock myself up in my bedroom. I was not interested in common courtesy or formalities. Many mistook it for arrogance or rudeness. Looking back at it, I feel this behavior stemmed from insecurity. I was not confident with the way I looked.

Till my pre-adolescent days, I was a cute kid. I was pampered, received compliments, and always got attention. This changed once I became a teenager. I had the thickest prescription glasses, and my complexion changed from white (coveted by most Indians) to a dusky brown. I also lost my cute chubbiness along the way because my appetite had died, making me a lanky young woman. Not the kind that got attention or compliments, but the kind who was frequently mocked.

The people around me also ensured I knew I wasn’t as eye-pleasing as before. I got comments like, “She was so cute as a kid,” making it evident that they were dissatisfied with my current imagery. I was given medications to increase my appetite, so I could restore some of my lost glory. I despised the medicines and eventually stopped taking them.

I was continuously told to become more outgoing like my sibling, a far more attractive personality. How could I when I did not have the confidence? From a bubbly kid, I became more withdrawn, lost in my own world, finding solace in books and songs. I thought if I stayed away from people, I wouldn’t disappoint them, and they wouldn’t hurt me either.

It was during my late teenage years that I stumbled upon the online world. I had just gotten access to the internet at home. I was mesmerized by the sea of opportunities that opened up to me. The plus being I could hide behind a screen and avoid being judged for my looks or my introversion. It felt like a less judgemental world. Back then, it was. Social media platforms did not exist, and people were not spewing hatred at each other.

One fine day, I happened to chance upon a public chat platform for youngsters. Word was going around in school that it was a fun group. I jumped on the bandwagon, curious to know what it was like. It was where I finally found my voice.

I am not sure if it was the comfort of facelessness or the fact that there was no pretty privilege involved that did the trick of helping me get out of my shell. In the online world, only your persona is seen. Your thoughts, your emotions become the highlights. That’s what I put forth in my chats with random strangers. All messages were posted publicly, and people could tag you and respond to them. It was safe and secure since it was a closed group where creeps were promptly banned or blocked. Due vigilance is required when you chat with strangers, and the group moderators ensured it was a safe space for everyone.

Talking in the group was like having a big group discussion. And for the first time in my life, I felt I was a part of something. People were engaging with my words. They found me interesting. They laughed at my jokes. I was the center of attention. Something I thought I would never be again.

The interactions were a stepping stone in my life and contributed to my change in attitude. It gave me confidence that even if my looks are against me, I have what it takes to engage someone. It was a slow but sure climb from then on.

The universe works in a funny way. As soon as I gained confidence, I started making friends. I even started to look better. I was and will always be introverted and never be the party starter or the energetic go-getter, but I learned how to deal with people. I am at my most confident at the moment, but it has been a long, steady ride to get there.

The impact of online interactions has been anything but inconsequential in my life. It helped me realize I was much more than what people offline gave me credit for.