I have been grieving over what happened in the last few weeks.
Sometimes, I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of global affairs, so I could avoid the tyranny of empathy. It would have done me a lot of good if my line of thinking was, “There are enough issues in India. Why should I focus on other countries?“
However, that’s not the case.
I am witnessing an ugly side of humanity, something I never observed in close quarters before. Innocent civilian deaths are being condemned based on race, community, history, and other factors. A lot of analysis is done before deciding whether to mourn the departed.
No one seems to see the civilians as people with their own set of traumas and fears. Each one is trying to prove why the deaths of “others” are justified. I saw similar arguments happening between friends. It just broke my heart.
I can feel something in me shifting. I think it’s grief from broken expectations. Pain changes you. It molds you into someone who is more prepared to deal with similar mind-numbing events in the future. Your mount of delusions slowly starts cracking, the same ones that had previously shielded you from the truth and kept you blissfully happy. I feel vulnerable in this new revelation. Everything feels like a daze, and my sleep is disturbed. It feels like a raw wound that will take time to recover from. At the same time, I am grieving the departure of my older version. The one that was relatively more optimistic about the goodness in people.
I am at a stage where I have to repeatedly comfort myself, saying it’s okay to let go of things I cannot control. I hope I find it in myself to forgive people who participated in selective empathy.
I want a peaceful tomorrow. But it looks like a distant dream now.
I am craving more than ever for a rational group that condemns the cruelty of innocent civilians, regardless of religion, race, or political affiliations. A group where humanity is the sole focus.
I wanted things I couldn’t want, I got hurt and hurt again;
You can call me stupid, then I’ll just smile
I don’t wanna succeed by doing things I don’t wanna do.
Wings by BTS
I came across the above verse by RM (kindly translated by a Reddit user), and it made me think of my own life decisions. The words resonated with me a lot – taking the path that isn’t the norm because it feels right. It could be a path filled with mistakes, it could be stupid or nonsensical, ridiculed by others, but it does not matter because the path is authentically mine.
I went against the tide when I was young and still am – living as a 40-year-old single woman in a society that emphasizes marriage and having a family is not for the faint-hearted. I am bang in the center of all the guilt-tripping and moral policing, but I still am going strong because there is no other way I would have it.
There are other things I do that aren’t considered ideal, like not being ambitious or wanting to race to the top. I am generally content in life. The new world requires you to be on your toes, aiming for the best always, and be in a constant state of restlessness. That streak was missing in me since childhood. I enjoy the slow life and the calmness and peace that it entails. I knew doing anything else could only result in me being unhappy.
How do we stay true to ourselves when the world wants us to go the opposite way?
They tell you not to live your life through your feelings, but that’s how I have been till now. I do not get into something half-hearted just because it is the norm. It may or may not seem like the best way for others, but it sure as well keeps me sane. It took me a long time to accept this side of me – I spent more than 30 years thinking something was wrong with how I felt. Considering I’m in my 40s, that’s a very short period of me feeling a sense of normalcy.
Don’t do that to yourself. And don’t let anyone make you spend more than 75% of your life thinking you are “weird” or “out of place” or an alien. Your feelings are valid. I don’t think people realize this when they are young because we are competitive and constantly comparing ourselves to others. But over time, you will realize there is only one authentic, wholesome, happy way to live your life – and that’s yours.
Ending with a beautiful song by BTS, titled Paradise. It’s a lyrical video, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the words of motivation:
It’s alright to stop
You don’t need to run without knowing why
It’s alright to not have any dreams
If you have moments where you can feel happiness
It’s alright to stop
Don’t run without knowing where you’re going anymore
It’s alright not to have any dreams
All of the air you breathe out is already paradise
Most people are scared of ending up alone. The single ones want to get married, thinking it’s the answer to their loneliness. The married ones do not even want to think of a life where they would be without their partner. Both are justified.
But my problem lies with this – the single life is made the villain here. It has unnecessarily got a bad reputation, something that you need to steer clear of at all costs.
People tend to forget that being alone cannot be avoided. You will be alone at some point in your life, if not now, then later – when a partner passes away, or your children migrate, or due to other unforeseen circumstances.
Rather than being afraid of being alone, learn to embrace it.
Humans cannot do without love or some form of social interaction, but we shouldn’t be left flustered or lost if left on our own.
Picture your kids and your partner on an extended vacation. Maybe a year or more. Are you confident that you can manage things comfortably? I am not talking about emotional dependence. We all are emotionally dependent on the ones we love. But are you relying on others to manage your life for you?
One thing I learned when my father passed away was how dependent my mother was on him. She was left clueless on how to deal with life, financial responsibilities, and day-to-day chores that my father used to handle till then. So I had to take on my dad’s role when he passed away, even though I was just as clueless as my mother was. It was then I realized I wasted many years not learning enough from him, especially crucial matters related to finance.
Also, as someone who was once married and has lived alone for the past 15 years, I would like to say there are things in relationships that I certainly find scarier than being alone.
Being clueless about finance
We all must know how to handle our finances, irrespective of whether we have a partner or not. God forbid, if something happens to our partner, we should learn to navigate the situation.
Times are such that we cannot depend on outsiders to handle our money. We should take small steps to be financially literate.
The first step to awareness is to start learning from the member managing your family’s finances. Have conversations with them, understand what kind of investments they have made and why, and what your responsibilities would be in the future when it comes to managing any assets or liabilities in the future.
Being stuck with someone who can’t understand me
I find this scary because no matter what I do or how deeply I express myself, a partner whose emotional wavelength does not match mine might never be able to understand me.
It’s not the partner’s fault. It’s not yours either.
You both are just wired differently.
So to expect your partner to “get you” when they cannot is scary and unfair.
Wanting different things in life
There is a reason you “fall” in love. You are literally freefalling without any second thought. You ignore all the red flags because you have been blinded by love and are ready to forgive even toxic traits. You miss the blatant differences because they appear tolerable when new to love.
I did not understand this when I was young. However, I later realized that the more commonalities you share, the less turbulent your relationship will be.
Your core values should align, if not anything else, so communicating what is important to you (the dealbreakers) is a must.
Not being able to connect once the honeymoon phase is over
You never get to know someone’s love language unless you spend significant quantifiable time with them.
When you fall in love, your hormones are on overdrive.
You get to know how right you are for each other when things settle down.
Feeling alone in a relationship
This stems from point 2 – being with someone who can’t understand you. The second phase of this issue is usually loneliness, which creeps in when you try to make your partner understand you, but they are unable to.
All our lives, we are looking for someone to fill that void, but when that person themselves is responsible for the void, it is the most dreadful feeling.
Sometimes couples drift apart, and the only thing that remains is the relationship tag. This change cannot be predicted, but when it happens, it is more scary than being alone.
Not having complete control over my life
We fall in love, and we succumb entirely to the other person.
We lose some of our individuality and control over ourselves in the process.
Some amount of compromising is required for any relationship to survive. But how much is too much?
When I was married, I realized I had to let go of many things I enjoyed while I was single – my solitude, freedom to spend and invest my money the way I like, etc. This sudden loss of control was a scary thing for me. It is also a reason why I never remarried.
Conclusion
There are a lot more things that are scarier than being alone.
The purpose of this post is to educate young ones not to make rash decisions based on societal pressure or your own insecurities.
A partnership is to be pursued with full awareness. If you are afraid of being alone, you will never be able to view a relationship in a practical light. Worse, you might end up compromising on all the negatives or the red flags your partner throws at you just so you won’t end up alone.
Embrace solitude; it’s not all bad as society paints it to be.
As mentioned in my last post, I had a whirlwind of a month. It was emotionally stressful, and I was in an overthinking mode. But all’s well that ends well. Thankful to the universe for every little blessing.
With each unchartered experience, you learn something new. Lessons that overshadow the learnings of the past. Here are some things I realized in the past month alone.
Indian managers often act like robots when there is a personal crisis.
The bigwigs did not share any emotion when I gave my reasons for a leave request. No “hope your mother feels better soon” or “hope everything goes well.” What was I expecting? Humanity in the Indian corporate world is a myth. We preach on LinkedIn with the most quotable quotes, but actions prove otherwise.
For the top-level, nothing warrants a response unless it is related to work. In fact, I got dumped with more work and some uncalled-for criticisms on the day of my mother’s hospitalization, even if I had notified my issue well in advance. On that day, I must have thought about quitting at least 10 times. But keeping the robotic virtues aside, the company is quite good. And, of course, you have bills to pay. So you carry on.
After my mom’s heart procedure, a few colleagues asked how my mother was doing. The number of people from top-level management who enquired about her health? Zero. My stress was there for them to see. Yet, none cared.
People often tell you to keep your professional and personal lives apart. I follow and believe this to a large extent. Still, when someone is going through a tough time, I make it a point to provide some motivation, whether a junior or senior. My conscience does not let me rest otherwise.
It was alarming to see the level of indifference from senior managers. Is this what professionalism is all about? Killing your empathy? Another point to add to my An Ode to People Who Are Not CEOs post.
We are giving importance to the wrong things.
For most of our lives, we stress over trivial things – relationships, work disputes, earning more money, materialistic gains, etc. But all it takes is one medical emergency to see the true light – that nothing comes above health.
The last month was a major eye-opener for me. I learned that I should be thankful for each day for all the miracles it offers, no matter how small and no matter how insignificant it may seem to be. It also showed how important it is to keep our physical and mental health happy and stress-free. If I had to choose between peace and more money now, I would undoubtedly choose peace.
Most people will be unavailable.
The people you know will primarily be available only through words, phone calls, and social media messages. But very few will physically show up when you need support, including your siblings. Ultimately, you will have to deal with most of the things yourself. It doesn’t matter if you have a big family or a huge friendship circle; there will be a lot of routes you will have to navigate by yourself. It will be overwhelming and frustrating, but that’s just how life is. You live. You learn.
Regular medical checkups and second opinions are important.
In India, we do not prioritize our health. Many do not have health insurance, especially older people, because it is expensive. We do not get annual health checkups done. This needs to change.
It was during my mother’s regular health checkup that we spotted a variation in her ECG. The doctor did not take it seriously. He declared it as anxiety and aging and told us to let it go. Big mistake. We should have asked for a second opinion.
Always treat minor variations in your tests with great seriousness, especially if you have a family history of heart disease or genetic disorders. Always get a second opinion.
Social media can be deceptive.
In the past month, I did not reveal anywhere online that I was stressed (except for this blog which is unknown to many). I posted memes as usual because it was a form of escapism for me. It might be the same for many others. Things might just be an act. Never take social media too seriously. There might be a lot happening behind the scenes.
Korean drama is like medicine.
When you are having a stressful day, there is nothing like a good Korean drama to melt your worries away. This is important because it made me realize how feel-good entertainment is sorely lacking nowadays. Stuff that people like me can relax to and feel a bit better at the end of the day, even if the emotion is superficial.
Almost all movies and tv shows are dark and serious, with the focus being on realism. Why aren’t there more light-hearted, feel-good, clean, romantic stuff? Looking at you, Indian cinema. Enough of reality. Bring back the escapism.
Recently, I came across a video that provided an interesting perspective on anger. It featured Dr. Gabor Maté, a Hungarian-Canadian physician, providing key insights on healthy and unhealthy anger. The doctor himself had experienced a transformation that changed his outlook toward rage, and he uses this knowledge to help us understand the differences between constructive and destructive anger.
To quote him:
“If I were to infringe on your boundaries, either physically or emotionally, the healthy response for you is to mount an anger response,” No, get out, stay away.” That’s healthy. Healthy anger is in the moment. It protects your boundaries, and then it’s gone. It’s not necessary anymore. However, if you could not express it, it doesn’t disappear. It gets suppressed.”
In other words, he says healthy anger helps draw boundaries. Once you express your anger constructively or healthily, you step back. The incident ends there. It does no harm to the other but protects you from damage. However, this type is often misconstrued. People who go through this type of anger are often subjected to dialogues like “you are too sensitive” and “you are overthinking.” A form of gaslighting takes place to downplay the situation. When you are unable to express your anger constructively, or you were discouraged from doing so in your childhood, your feelings can become suppressed, potentially leading to you expressing your anger in a destructive manner later in life.
Here’s another interesting anecdote that he shared in his video, which goes against the typical “punch the pillow when you’re angry” technique:
“Just as healthy anger expresses itself, does its job, and then it’s gone, rage the more it explodes, the bigger it gets. That’s what happens to me. It doesn’t pass through me. Sorry no. I’ve worked with certain therapists who’ve said punch a pillow, express the rage, let it just pass through you like the wind. But that isn’t, in fact, what happens with me. And I know I’m not the only one. It actually magnifies and intensifies and extends this feeling because it recruits more brain circuits into its service.”
In short, he states that the more you indulge your anger without regulation, the more unmanageable it can become, unlike constructive anger.
The unhealthy kind is volatile. A person who goes through it cannot control himself or his words and expects us to sail through it. I have heard family members of people with unpredictable temperaments say with conviction, “That’s his only flaw. His partner will have to adjust to his anger.” “When she’s angry, step away.” This type of anger, which causes the most harm, is justified by the person and their family. Volatile people often blame the other person involved in the argument for “provoking” their anger. They use the same defense time and again to validate their own misdeeds. The worst thing I have heard such people say is, “But I cool down soon after I get angry, so it is not that bad.” This means they have no intention of correcting themselves, and it is a problem the people around them have to deal with. I am of the thought that unhealthy anger is the reason for most bad marriages. Even if only one partner struggles with anger management issues, it can still damage the relationship’s progression.
The ode here goes to “healthy anger.” Being nice all the time can earn you a lot of friends. However, it does not serve you well. Healthy anger helps you get out of a harmful situation, end bad marriages, friendships, or relationships, and confront anyone mistreating you. It enables you to take a stand. When you take this defense mechanism out of your life, you risk being treated as a doormat.
My anger nowadays is mostly healthy, and it comes up when I am pushed around or disrespected. I used to feel unhealthy anger in my younger days. But that behavior taught me it only harms the household and relationships.
I have also been subjected to unhealthy anger from some of my ex-partners. That was when I realized the destructive power of anger. It can affect someone’s mental and emotional well-being to the point of no return. I believe those exposed to rage regularly should seek therapy to help them feel balanced again.
Dr. Gabor Maté goes on to discuss why experiencing rage, which does not imply acting it out, is the way to process the harmful emotion. You sit with yourself, understand why you feel the way you do, and work effectively towards resolving it constructively instead of letting it out on the other person. He admits that he faced challenges in his marriage and with his kids due to his rage. I found his honesty refreshing because I believe the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Most hate to admit their imperfections and get defensive about them.
Anger management is something we must all learn and practice. Knowing when to be angry, how to express it, and how to calm ourselves down before it gets out of hand is vital to successfully taking control of our anger. If you are someone with destructive anger issues, work on improving yourself with the help of a therapist for the happiness of your family, friends, and people around you. Do not indulge those inner demons thinking they are untameable. They can very much be brought under control. But it requires your active participation.
In The White Lotus S2, there are only two types of people – the ones who are street-smart and the ones who are not.
The street-smart ones know how to get their way, even if it’s through unethical means like manipulation, lying, and deceit. “How do you sleep well at night knowing you did this?” doesn’t apply to them. They sleep quite well because, in their world, happiness is correlated with survival, satiation, and goals, not empathy. Due to this, their conscience is clear.
In the real world, we often come across such multi-layered people. The outer layer may be enticing, but the inner layers are complex and dark. It is next to impossible to decode the various layers someone may possess. This is where you take that leap of faith and hope they are worth trusting.
When we get duped, we try to find relief in the thought that the culprits will live their lives in guilt. Or hope karma will eventually get them. Often, it never happens. And that’s what the White Lotus S2 shows – the brutal reality of it all. No one is shown guilty. Or maybe they do, for a second, before the realization dawns on them that their dreams have now been fulfilled. They walk into the sunset hand-in-hand with their partners-in-crime, forgetting the sins of the past and awaiting a sparkling future.
The naive ones, who say and do all the right things, get played and left behind. The only positive aspect of their experience is that they are one step closer to being streetwise.
When the good guys lose, you understand that the universe doesn’t owe anyone anything. It’s up to each of us to subject ourselves to vast experiences and come out of them better equipped to deal with the eccentricities of the world.
The Monkey Dilemma 
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