An Ode to Saying No to Dowry

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Yet another day in Kerala. Yet another dowry death.

Vismaya, a 23 year old, who died days after sharing her pics of abuse with a relative, has yet again prompted many to chant “A divorced daughter is better than a dead daughter.” Her parents were very much aware of the abuse she was going through, so was her brother and cousin, but unfortunately, not one of them could save her. There is no single person to blame here. Almost everyone is at fault, including the society.

I am a divorcee. Fortunately, my parents were super supportive, and gave my safety the utmost priority when I chose to leave my husband’s place after yet another episode of abuse. The day I left home was the day my parents came to know that I was facing physical and emotional trauma over many months. I did not want to worry them. Maybe Vismaya felt the same. The difference was, my parents did not tell me to compromise.

Mine was an arranged marriage. My parents and I were, are and always will be strictly against dowry. We always had made it clear when a proposal came by that no dowry would be given. My in-laws and husband said they had no demands, though traditionally their family practiced it.

On our wedding day, amidst all the flurry of activity, it felt odd when my husband quipped happily “(So and so) told me you are wearing a lot of jewelry; that I am a very lucky guy.” It was a hint of what was to come.

The emotional blackmail began on the first day of marriage. My ex-husband’s old relative, with a full authoritative tone, told me to put my jewelry in a locker at their chosen bank. When I naively told him that we usually put our jewelry in our own lockers, he was adamant that I keep it in a new one at the current location. This was odd to me, because I have never heard of such a thing happening in my family before. The women of the family always kept their jewelry in existing lockers. There was no question of transferring or shifting it to the husband’s place. Plus, it is so redundant – why open another locker when you already have one? There can only be one answer.

I consulted my mother, who panicked and told me not to do anything till they arrived. So I kept stalling their attempts to put my assets in their locker. My mother came to visit soon and took away the jewelry. This angered my ex-husband, and things (predictably) went downhill from then on. I remember asking him “Did you marry me for my money?

Physical abuse soon began. Not enough to get me hospitalized, but enough to give me bruises. “There are so many women getting hospitalized, that’s what real physical abuse is!” – he justified his actions to me. I forgave, but could never forget because he would keep repeating it. At the end, I ended the relationship and walked out. I realized my tears did not matter to him, nor my well being or happiness. I was married for just one year.

To all the unmarried women who are reading this, this is something you should note. You will hardly see anyone talk about this anywhere online – how dowry nowadays is rarely mentioned before marriage, camouflaged and hidden, all ready to make a move on its prey when the time is right. Many predators, cunning to the core, have realized that this right time to get what they are eyeing, is not before marriage but after it – when the woman is the most vulnerable, getting accustomed to a new place, confused and dazed. No one is explicitly going to use the word “dowry” but you will get to know from their actions.

Please remember, your current assets are yours alone. This needs to be strictly mentioned before marriage. You need to underline your deal breakers, so that there is no room for confusion. If after marriage, you decide to mutually hold future assets together, that is entirely up to you. But do not let anyone emotionally manipulate you into gaining access to your safety and security. Once you lose control of that, you lose control of your life.

I survived the worst phase of my life because I had solid support. Whenever I see a death or abuse case, it feels overwhelming. A lot of “if only” phrases come to mind.

  • If only, the family had supported her enough. Instead of telling her to compromise, they had told her to come home or “We are coming to pick you up” instead.
  • If only, the victim realized her life is not meant for suffering, to endure everything in silence. That staying married, even if toxic, is not the ultimate goal in life. Happiness is.
  • If only, the society made it easier for women to call it quits when her relationship with her partner becomes irreparable. Instead, mostly, we are told to compromise and adjust more.
  • If only, all men had the guts to strictly say no to dowry, go against tradition.
  • If only, a man’s parents did not put social status on such a high pedestal.

If only…

Many women, like Vismaya, would then still be alive.

An Ode to Cryptocurrency

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I have been staring at crypto news all week.

I have not yet invested in this “asset.” I would prefer calling it an “asset” over “currency” because in India it is not yet a legal tender.

My interest piqued when I heard of India’s involvement in Polygon/Matic. It was all over the news. A person who has not yet invested in crypto (i.e. yours truly) ended up watching a dozen new videos and reading comprehensive news articles on Matic (hello, patriotism), wondering dreamily when she will ever be able to invest in it confidently, without fearing the consequences of strict protocols that the government may or may not enforce later on. I even consumed with much interest a YouTube video on whether Matic would survive after Ethereum 2.0. All this makes zero sense to me as I am a new believer, but my curiosity seems to have taken over, wanting to know the future. All the answers I got were in the positive (for Matic). It has now become a forbidden fruit of sorts.

This is a big shift from how I was a few months back – an overconfident cynic who was pretty damn sure she would never buy crypto. “Too volatile, no regulations, weird names” My reasons were plenty. People change, so did I. Realizing the ever-growing power of virtual currency world over, it would surely be a step back, if India were to ban it completely.

I was proud that India got into the world of crypto (that too successfully), and also felt a bit dejected when the promoters of Matic said they couldn’t promote or advertise it in a way they would like to, because of India’s current stance on virtual currencies. Hopefully with crypto exchanges like WazirX fighting for #IndiaWantsCrypto, the officials will take notice, and newbies like me can also venture into a zone that has gained immense popularity worldwide. Call it FOMO or whatever you wish, but no one can negate the solid growth crypto is experiencing.

I still have to wait though, for the Indian government to make its stand clear. And this the story of many in India. Why?

Because, for a safe investor like me, playing by the government’s rulebook is of absolute importance. India does have a lot of crypto investors, who are fully aware of the risk factors that come with possessing an unregulated asset, but they continue to do so as they are ready to take that risk. Buying and selling crypto in India is not illegal, but the government sending across mixed signals makes it a bit tough for many like me to jump into the bandwagon with surety.

Hopefully, soon enough, we will get to know. Hopefully, by then, crypto would have not lost its charm.