An Ode to Playful Adults

I am a new k-entertainment fan. I have started bingeing kdramas, kpop, kceleb interviews, and variety shows. I adore BTS and absolutely love all the members. As someone in her 40s, I am not ashamed to be a fan, though many people think k-entertainment is primarily for young adults. I feel art and music transcend all generations, and everyone, irrespective of age, should be able to enjoy creativity in all forms.

One thing that strikes me, especially in BTS, is how playful even the eldest member (Jin) is. That got me thinking – why don’t we see more adults being playful? Almost every adult you see has a serious, practically poker-faced sense of humor. They express their happiness less and worry more. I find it true in India, where I live, but I am sure it’s a practice across the globe. Probably because we relate seriousness with maturity. The more serious you look, the more mature you are considered to be.

Why can’t we be playful as we age instead of becoming no-nonsense adults?

Why do we have to lose our childlike qualities when we grow up?

Why can’t we look at the world with the same curiosity and wide-eyed wonder?

Most of these questions have one answer: life experiences. What we go through in life tends to sober us down and take some of that effervescent energy away. I look at my posts and realize how I have become more serious over the years. I kind of miss the younger, quirkier me. Friends who had the most incredible sense of humor have mellowed due to the pressure that age brings with it. When older people say that school and college offer the best days of your life, they mean it – you get to enjoy things with abandon when you are young. “Maturity” is a sham that can drain that enthusiasm away – we smile less, joke even less, and constantly worry about what the future will behold.

Another reason is society. People expect you to be serious and leave your childlike qualities behind when you turn older; otherwise, you’re deemed immature. It does not matter if you do your duties meticulously and perform all your responsibilities. If you project any playful traits, you are looked at with judgment.

Blessed are those, in my opinion, who get to retain their childlike playfulness in this world that tends to be a spoilsport. The ability to joke around, laugh wholeheartedly many times a day, and find happiness in the smallest things is a skill that many of us would do better to possess. Such qualities make the world a happier place to live in, for our own selves and the people around us.

So, to people who bring joy to those around them with their playful antics, instead of preaching, “Be more mature. This is not the age for such things,” I would like to say, “Please stay the same! You bring joy just the way you are.”

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Photo by Godisable Jacob

An Ode to Not Being Kind

We are often told to be kind and help people whenever possible. This is advice that is good on paper. In the real world, we often must exercise caution.

Experience has been my best teacher of how kindness is not always necessary. I have learned to tread cautiously with anyone other than my immediate family, no matter how dependable and sincere they might appear.

Two minor incidents this year left me disappointed.

A next-door neighbor landed at my door with his laptop to finish some urgent work. He did not have a WiFi connection at home as he was an NRI. He requested my internet password, and I shared it with him without any second thoughts. He sent a few emails and left soon afterward. One year later, by chance, I came to know my WiFi was accessible at his apartment as well, and he and his entire family were using it without my permission. This incident left a bitter taste in my mouth. I wondered why anyone would use items owned by someone else on the sly, thinking they would never get caught. Internet in India is dirt cheap compared to many countries, which further increased my annoyance, as it is not a commodity out of reach for the common man. It blew my mind how people are ever-willing to mooch off others, even those who are probably earning less than them, instead of paying for the necessities themselves.

Lesson learned: Never share your WiFi password with neighbors.

My second experience involves sharing my OTT (streaming) account. I shared it with an NRI friend so he could watch this one show he was highly interested in. I thought after he was done with the show, he would venture out to get an account of his own. But that did not happen. He stayed on and started using it regularly. Since it was a single-device account, I found myself locked out whenever he watched something. If I asked for access, he would request an additional thirty minutes. This went on for two years. I suggested that he create an account for himself, but he would always come up with excuses, claiming that he didn’t need a full account. I got the impression that he wanted to stay on without paying for it. I finally took a stand and changed my password recently, and that was the end of the issue.

Lesson learned: People are always on the lookout for freebies, irrespective of their financial status. Before you give away something for free out of kindness, contemplate whether you will be okay with giving it away for an extended period of time. You have to take into consideration that the person might not stop using what they are getting for free. Worse, they might even share it with others.

Why is kindness mistaken for weakness? The nicest people we know are often taken for granted because they struggle to vocalize their frustrations and annoyance. If you ask, “Are you okay with it?” they will probably say it’s okay, fearing the consequences that a negative answer might evoke. When such situations happen, and a saturation point is reached, the nice person ends up not being so nice anymore, leading to dialogues from others such as, “You have changed.”

The courteous thing to do is to use other people’s possessions only for a short while. If you like the product, purchase it for personal use. If this is not feasible, the least a person can do is offer to share the rental rate or costs.

So yes, my advice to naïve, soft-hearted people is to not blindly trust others to always take the right step. Sometimes, boundaries need to be spelled out. Offer kindness with precaution – in optimal doses only.

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Photo by Jou00e3o

An Ode to the Things That Make Me Smile

Recently, I came across an article that said Japan has forgotten how to smile. The culprit being COVID-19 masking. When you wear a mask, you can forego formalities and skip smiling. Apparently, the Japanese continued this habit even after masking rules were relaxed.

As Japan gradually lifts its mask mandate, the nation grapples with the aftermath of prolonged mask usage. In response, “smile practice seminars” have surfaced nationwide to address the reported loss of smiles among the population.
indiatimes.com

While reading this article, something struck me out of the blue. I opened my phone gallery and scrolled through the pictures. I realized my recent photos did not show me smiling. I kept staring at them, livid that I had overlooked this obvious change. I had a poker-faced expression in almost all images, which wasn’t the case pre-covid.

I now have to consciously make it a point to smile for photos. It takes effort.

However, some things seem to instantly light my soul up, irrespective of whether it shows up on my face:

When someone remembers something I said ages ago
Warm smiles from strangers while shopping
Words with the power to tug heartstrings
Watching an uplifting movie on Friday night after a long, tiring week
Enjoying a good book in my bed on a Sunday afternoon
Immersing in music at night, lights off, with no distractions
Wandering outdoors aimlessly with an ice cream in hand
Comfortable silences
Peace
Warm bubble baths
Being around animals
Conversations that flow
Showing and receiving gratitude
Warm hugs and forehead kisses
Empathy and kindness

I am sure there are more.

It’s when you note down the small joys in life do you realize most of life’s prized gifts are things that cannot be bought with money. Things that rejuvenate and keep you sane. When I am down, I know I can rely on these items on my feel-good list to bring my mood back up.

Life happens, with all its challenges and unpredictability. Still, we should never let go or overlook things that light our souls up. Those bytes of sunshine might just be our medicine, the sure-shot solution that can help us regain a smile lost in the rubble of uncertainty that life often throws our way.

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Photo by cottonbro studio

6 Things I Find Scarier Than Being Alone

Solitude. Enjoying a view alone from a mountain top.

Most people are scared of ending up alone. The single ones want to get married, thinking it’s the answer to their loneliness. The married ones do not even want to think of a life where they would be without their partner. Both are justified.

But my problem lies with this – the single life is made the villain here. It has unnecessarily got a bad reputation, something that you need to steer clear of at all costs.

People tend to forget that being alone cannot be avoided. You will be alone at some point in your life, if not now, then later – when a partner passes away, or your children migrate, or due to other unforeseen circumstances.

Rather than being afraid of being alone, learn to embrace it.

Humans cannot do without love or some form of social interaction, but we shouldn’t be left flustered or lost if left on our own.

Picture your kids and your partner on an extended vacation. Maybe a year or more. Are you confident that you can manage things comfortably? I am not talking about emotional dependence. We all are emotionally dependent on the ones we love. But are you relying on others to manage your life for you?

One thing I learned when my father passed away was how dependent my mother was on him. She was left clueless on how to deal with life, financial responsibilities, and day-to-day chores that my father used to handle till then. So I had to take on my dad’s role when he passed away, even though I was just as clueless as my mother was. It was then I realized I wasted many years not learning enough from him, especially crucial matters related to finance.

Also, as someone who was once married and has lived alone for the past 15 years, I would like to say there are things in relationships that I certainly find scarier than being alone.

Being clueless about finance

We all must know how to handle our finances, irrespective of whether we have a partner or not. God forbid, if something happens to our partner, we should learn to navigate the situation.

Times are such that we cannot depend on outsiders to handle our money. We should take small steps to be financially literate.

The first step to awareness is to start learning from the member managing your family’s finances. Have conversations with them, understand what kind of investments they have made and why, and what your responsibilities would be in the future when it comes to managing any assets or liabilities in the future.

Being stuck with someone who can’t understand me

I find this scary because no matter what I do or how deeply I express myself, a partner whose emotional wavelength does not match mine might never be able to understand me.

It’s not the partner’s fault. It’s not yours either.

You both are just wired differently.

So to expect your partner to “get you” when they cannot is scary and unfair.

Wanting different things in life

There is a reason you “fall” in love. You are literally freefalling without any second thought. You ignore all the red flags because you have been blinded by love and are ready to forgive even toxic traits. You miss the blatant differences because they appear tolerable when new to love.

I did not understand this when I was young. However, I later realized that the more commonalities you share, the less turbulent your relationship will be.

Your core values should align, if not anything else, so communicating what is important to you (the dealbreakers) is a must.

Not being able to connect once the honeymoon phase is over

You never get to know someone’s love language unless you spend significant quantifiable time with them.

When you fall in love, your hormones are on overdrive.

You get to know how right you are for each other when things settle down.

Feeling alone in a relationship

This stems from point 2 – being with someone who can’t understand you. The second phase of this issue is usually loneliness, which creeps in when you try to make your partner understand you, but they are unable to.

All our lives, we are looking for someone to fill that void, but when that person themselves is responsible for the void, it is the most dreadful feeling.

Sometimes couples drift apart, and the only thing that remains is the relationship tag. This change cannot be predicted, but when it happens, it is more scary than being alone.

Not having complete control over my life

We fall in love, and we succumb entirely to the other person.

We lose some of our individuality and control over ourselves in the process.

Some amount of compromising is required for any relationship to survive. But how much is too much?

When I was married, I realized I had to let go of many things I enjoyed while I was single – my solitude, freedom to spend and invest my money the way I like, etc. This sudden loss of control was a scary thing for me. It is also a reason why I never remarried.

Conclusion

There are a lot more things that are scarier than being alone.

The purpose of this post is to educate young ones not to make rash decisions based on societal pressure or your own insecurities.

A partnership is to be pursued with full awareness. If you are afraid of being alone, you will never be able to view a relationship in a practical light. Worse, you might end up compromising on all the negatives or the red flags your partner throws at you just so you won’t end up alone.

Embrace solitude; it’s not all bad as society paints it to be.

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Photo by Arthur Brognoli

An Ode to Dopamine Detoxes

I’m at that stage now where I can discern the reason behind my restlessness. The symptoms that previously used to confound me can finally be attributed to a source and countered with practical solutions. I say this with pride because discovering the cause of any turmoil is always the first step to recovery.

The reason for my dopamine going out of whack and my feeling a flurry of erratic emotion? Social media.

I have a love-hate relationship with social media. Because of social media, I found my voice. Because of social media, my introverted self learned to be a tad more expressive. I could post online, and there would always be someone to listen to my endless thoughts, view my never-ending selfies, and validate my existence. As much as I enjoy the platforms, I often find myself getting lost in engaging with the myriad of interesting content while also feeling bad about someone close not liking my photos or reels or videos, wondering if everyone had a life far superior to mine, wanting to go on the same expensive trips that others do even if it’s not what I want. Social media can be draining. It takes away your mental resources and leaves you with very little to deal with the everyday complexities of life.

When you feel like a puppet in a system with no say over your actions, you know it’s time to take back control. It’s time for a dopamine detox. I turn off my notifications, log out from social media, and take a break from doomscrolling. What I get in return is an incredible sense of relief and calm.

My dopamine detoxes help me connect with myself, reflect and refocus my energy. I enjoy the stillness and the ability to engage with my work, family, and thoughts without being bombarded with external distractions.

I find such dopamine detoxes more valuable at work. When you’re neck-deep immersed in tasks, the last thing you need is a distracting WhatsApp chat demanding your attention. Turning the wi-fi off helps me in cutting down on unwanted noise. To combat my Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), I remind myself that I’m just a phone call away from those who need me. Sometimes, when I need 100% me-time, I enable the flight mode on my phone. It has been a life-changer.

Enough people don’t realize what staying connected 24×7 does to your brain. If they did, everyone, including myself, would have attempted to disconnect more regularly. I know what social media does to me, and I try to step away, but it’s not long before I turn delusional again and turn a blind eye to the side effects. I relapse and restart doomscrolling.

The irony is that I have to experience the dreaded symptoms again for my brain to knock some sense into my dopamine-hungry system. The symptoms being — feeling angry about nothing, annoyed over everything, and mentally and physically empty. These symptoms are my wake-up calls to step back. The moment I do, I feel refreshed. It always astonishes me how forgiving our bodies tend to be. They are quick to spring back to life if you give them a chance. A few hours of downtime is often all it takes.

I wonder how many people must have mistaken mental overstimulation for depression and continued using social media without understanding its negative impact on them. Overstimulation is not depression, but it may lead to depression. Prolonged use of social media can result in your body crying SOS in the form of a nervous breakdown, loneliness, and anxiety. If you feel irritated when your internet is down, even though you have nothing important to finish online, you are addicted – no second thoughts about it.

Correlation between social media and depression (courtesy: system.com)

If you are interested in the studies shown in the above image, here are the links:

We can see the symptoms but somehow fail to attribute them to social media. Even if we understand the negatives, it doesn’t stop most of us from endlessly scrolling through our feeds. It might be similar to how drug addicts feel. They know the side effects of the drugs they consume and how it physically and mentally affects them, but it doesn’t stop consumption.

I was at that stage again recently, ignoring the fact that it’s time for a digital detox, when I stumbled upon the book Dopamine Detox by Thibaut Meurisse on Prime Reading. The book is available for free if you are an Amazon Prime user in India. After exhausting my monthly budget for books, I decided to give it a go. It’s a quick read. It takes about 30 minutes or less to finish but is jam-packed with information.

The book helped as a reality check. Somehow I had conveniently forgotten what social media could do to my mental health and had started overusing it. I even attributed my increased irritability and lack of energy to sleep deprivation, vitamin deficiency, or lack of exercise. I fixed all these issues but turned a blind eye to my social media usage. Eventually, from a state of surrender, I accepted that disconnecting from social media was the best way to resolve my problem. So, dear readers, if everything fails to lift up your mood, try logging out from your social media accounts.

I have cut down my usage, but I have no idea when things will go down south again. For now, I enjoy being wide awake, in the present, and the temporary freedom from negativity. I have set up social media time restrictions on my phone to prevent doomscrolling, but how long before I disable them and return to my old ways? Only time can tell.

An Ode to 9 Thought-Provoking Life Quotes from Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha

I recently finished Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha. The book takes you through the life of the fictional protagonist, Siddhartha, who comes from an affluent family. He is restless and dissatisfied with life and feels the need to search for enlightenment and spiritual fulfillment. He eventually finds it on his own, though the path he took to attain enlightenment is rocky and full of challenges. This story is entirely fictional and not be confused with Gautama Buddha’s story.

Personally, I found the book a bit difficult to read as the topics discussed were quite deep and complex. The language was wordy, and it interfered with my focus somewhat. However, I still found many meaningful and beautiful quotes throughout the novel. Quotes that make you think, quotes that beautifully capture the very essence of life.

Here are some of the best:

Wisdom cannot be imparted. Wisdom that a wise man attempts to impart always sounds like foolishness to someone else. Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, be fortified by it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.

I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.

The world is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment; every sin already carries grace in it.

The river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere, and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.

The only way to live is to accept each minute as an unrepeatable miracle.

Wherever you are, when you can sense something of the eternal in yourself and in the world, you are close to the source of all being and all knowing.

When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal.

Everyone can perform magic, everyone can reach his goals, if he is able to think, wait, and fast.

The opposite of every truth is just as true! Any truth can only be expressed and put into words when it is one-sided. Everything is one-sided which can be thought with thoughts and said with words. It is all one-sided, all just one half, all lacks completeness, roundness, oneness.