An Ode to Love in the Times of Ageing

“What does love feel like?” asked a member of a community I am a part of. She had never experienced romantic love before and was genuinely curious about what to expect when she eventually falls in love – Is love easy? Is it kind? Is it everything movies and books make it out to be?

In my 20s, my answer would have been, “Love means you are willing to do anything for the person.” It meant no inhibitions, forgiving all mistakes, and smiling positively through the storms. There is no sense of self. You are engulfed by passion and intimacy to the point your brain cells cease to function.

The way we look at love in our 20s might be derived from various sources – movies, shows, books, music videos, social media, interviews, etc. The love depicted in public is often dreamy, romantic, and glossy. The type that makes our hearts sing. We expect our partners to follow the same route – always say and do the right things at the right time. However, it is not as simple. One must undergo real experiences to truly understand and form our own definition of love.

My perception of love changed considerably in my 40s.

Love no longer means giving up everything to make a relationship work, especially your self-respect. Love means being at ease with your partner, not walking on your toes, and being anxious about their reaction. Love is comfort, like a tight hug after a tiring day, like a cup of coffee embracing you with its warmth. An emotion that is balanced, not agitating and swinging back and forth between extremes of love and hate.

I have experienced bad relationships and am thankful I overcame them unscathed. Back then, blinded by love, I would find excuses to justify any form of disrespect I got. I would tell myself, “They must have had a bad day.” “Maybe they didn’t mean what they said.” But over time, you learn not everything is done unintentionally. If a mistake happens more than once, it is not a mistake, it’s a habit, a conscious decision. But the young me did not understand all this. I was under the impression that the harder I worked in my relationship, the easier it would be for my partner to love me.

Love requires some amount of compromise, for sure. But how much is too much? Only you can answer that yourself. Different people have different levels of tolerance. What might sound disrespectful to me might not be for the other person. However, a general rule of thumb is that I should feel at ease with my partner and be able to communicate freely without fear.

I am curious how my definition of love will change over the next 20 years. Will love be more balanced than it is now, or would it sway? Only time can tell.

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Photo by cottonbro studio

Korean Movie Spotlight: A Man and a Woman

Detouring a bit from the usual saccharine sweet K-dramas, I decided to give this Korean movie named “A Man and a Woman” a try.

Disclaimer: This post shouldn’t be treated as a review because I am far from qualified to give an objective and professional take on cinema. It should be treated as a subjective viewpoint of a cinephile who loves to watch movies and dramas purely for entertainment. I have only one criterion – I shouldn’t get bored. The film will be judged on that factor alone.

What’s It About?

“A Man and a Woman” is an emotional story of Sang-min (played by Jeon Do-yeon) and Ki-hong (played by Gong Yoo), two individuals who meet by chance and form a deep connection. They embark on a passionate but bittersweet extramarital affair amid their complicated personal lives.

Thoughts

The movie starts at a leisurely pace. I am generally not a fan of slow films, so I wasn’t sure whether I would like it. But I realized this pacing was essential to build the melancholy rhythm of the extramarital affair and to make us invested in their whole journey. It is a tumultuous relationship that is delicate and emotional, kind yet painful.

You end up rooting for the cheaters, something I have never done before. Two people quietly enduring the drudgery of everyday issues with a dry smile, eventually finding some warmth in each other’s arms. It’s tough to chide them. You know they are doing something morally wrong, but you want them to be together forever.

The credit goes to the makers and the actors for making us feel emotions out of the norm. We should be offended, angry, and betrayed seeing two people cheating on their spouses. But weirdly, we are not. That’s the effect of good creative storytelling. They make you feel what they want you to feel.

I would recommend the movie to serious cinema watchers, regardless of your take on extramarital affairs. Both the actors are brilliant. There is nothing as emotionally wrecking as the final few scenes. It is also an ugly reminder of how some of us, unfortunately, get the raw part of the deal, no matter how sincere we are. It’s just how life is, and the makers of “A Man and a Woman” have managed to capture this aspect brilliantly on camera.

6 Things I Find Scarier Than Being Alone

Solitude. Enjoying a view alone from a mountain top.

Most people are scared of ending up alone. The single ones want to get married, thinking it’s the answer to their loneliness. The married ones do not even want to think of a life where they would be without their partner. Both are justified.

But my problem lies with this – the single life is made the villain here. It has unnecessarily got a bad reputation, something that you need to steer clear of at all costs.

People tend to forget that being alone cannot be avoided. You will be alone at some point in your life, if not now, then later – when a partner passes away, or your children migrate, or due to other unforeseen circumstances.

Rather than being afraid of being alone, learn to embrace it.

Humans cannot do without love or some form of social interaction, but we shouldn’t be left flustered or lost if left on our own.

Picture your kids and your partner on an extended vacation. Maybe a year or more. Are you confident that you can manage things comfortably? I am not talking about emotional dependence. We all are emotionally dependent on the ones we love. But are you relying on others to manage your life for you?

One thing I learned when my father passed away was how dependent my mother was on him. She was left clueless on how to deal with life, financial responsibilities, and day-to-day chores that my father used to handle till then. So I had to take on my dad’s role when he passed away, even though I was just as clueless as my mother was. It was then I realized I wasted many years not learning enough from him, especially crucial matters related to finance.

Also, as someone who was once married and has lived alone for the past 15 years, I would like to say there are things in relationships that I certainly find scarier than being alone.

Being clueless about finance

We all must know how to handle our finances, irrespective of whether we have a partner or not. God forbid, if something happens to our partner, we should learn to navigate the situation.

Times are such that we cannot depend on outsiders to handle our money. We should take small steps to be financially literate.

The first step to awareness is to start learning from the member managing your family’s finances. Have conversations with them, understand what kind of investments they have made and why, and what your responsibilities would be in the future when it comes to managing any assets or liabilities in the future.

Being stuck with someone who can’t understand me

I find this scary because no matter what I do or how deeply I express myself, a partner whose emotional wavelength does not match mine might never be able to understand me.

It’s not the partner’s fault. It’s not yours either.

You both are just wired differently.

So to expect your partner to “get you” when they cannot is scary and unfair.

Wanting different things in life

There is a reason you “fall” in love. You are literally freefalling without any second thought. You ignore all the red flags because you have been blinded by love and are ready to forgive even toxic traits. You miss the blatant differences because they appear tolerable when new to love.

I did not understand this when I was young. However, I later realized that the more commonalities you share, the less turbulent your relationship will be.

Your core values should align, if not anything else, so communicating what is important to you (the dealbreakers) is a must.

Not being able to connect once the honeymoon phase is over

You never get to know someone’s love language unless you spend significant quantifiable time with them.

When you fall in love, your hormones are on overdrive.

You get to know how right you are for each other when things settle down.

Feeling alone in a relationship

This stems from point 2 – being with someone who can’t understand you. The second phase of this issue is usually loneliness, which creeps in when you try to make your partner understand you, but they are unable to.

All our lives, we are looking for someone to fill that void, but when that person themselves is responsible for the void, it is the most dreadful feeling.

Sometimes couples drift apart, and the only thing that remains is the relationship tag. This change cannot be predicted, but when it happens, it is more scary than being alone.

Not having complete control over my life

We fall in love, and we succumb entirely to the other person.

We lose some of our individuality and control over ourselves in the process.

Some amount of compromising is required for any relationship to survive. But how much is too much?

When I was married, I realized I had to let go of many things I enjoyed while I was single – my solitude, freedom to spend and invest my money the way I like, etc. This sudden loss of control was a scary thing for me. It is also a reason why I never remarried.

Conclusion

There are a lot more things that are scarier than being alone.

The purpose of this post is to educate young ones not to make rash decisions based on societal pressure or your own insecurities.

A partnership is to be pursued with full awareness. If you are afraid of being alone, you will never be able to view a relationship in a practical light. Worse, you might end up compromising on all the negatives or the red flags your partner throws at you just so you won’t end up alone.

Embrace solitude; it’s not all bad as society paints it to be.

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Photo by Arthur Brognoli

An Ode to My Failed Love Stories

Love, for me, has always been complicated. As a youngster, I always thought my first love would be for keeps. That the first kiss meant the deal was sealed forever, and the relationship was locked in for life. But real life is not a movie. It is definitely not a fairy tale. Different plans were charted out by forces beyond my control. Plans that would, at times, suck the soul out of me.

I have had the privilege of experiencing intense, passionate, illogical romance. The type that makes you forget the world around you and causes you to stutter and act foolish in your partner’s presence. It nudges you to write cheesy poems and bestow embarrassing gifts. You go to great lengths for the person to ensure they understand the value you bring to their life. The type of love where the self merges with the other and all boundaries and individualities diminish. On the flip side, the sort of young, inexperienced affection that cajoles you into tolerating mistreatment or disrespect and threatens you to compromise on your values just so you would stay confined to that perpetual dark zone. Your mind conveniently wants you to romanticize your forgiveness. “These things happen in love,” it protests, and you continue to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

These love stories of mine never (thankfully) lasted.

An ex once told me it’s better to be in a relationship with someone who loves you more than you love them. It acts as an effective self-preservation mechanism. When you are neck-deep in love, you kind of understand this theory. Minor disagreements tend to hurt, even if your partner is not at fault. Too much love can suffocate you. What else would explain us becoming overwhelmed by our own emotions to the point of no return? But how much is too much love? That’s subjective.

Deep love can often hurt because the level of emotional involvement is more. To step back and think logically is implausible, especially when all you want to do is cling to the person for dear life and unabashedly consume any space that exists between the two of you. It may be why many of us hang on to toxic love because, in a way, we are addicted to the person. Our love-struck system cannot tolerate being apart from the one we adore, even if we know the person is detrimental to our health. We longingly look out for our next “dose.”

Experience teaches you that some level of detachment is required to preserve your self-respect. You cannot merge yourself with your partner so fully that you lose your common sense along the way. “Follow your heart, but take your brain with you” is the new mantra. If you ignore this life hack, you lose.

Love has the power to keep you in a chokehold. All the chemicals in your body work harmoniously to prevent you from escaping this sea of love that, at times, is more adamant about drowning you than keeping you afloat. “You need them,” your mind justifies. “You won’t be able to survive without them.” Sometimes, you wonder why your own system is working against you. Why can’t it produce fewer chemicals and give your brain a chance to defog at least twice a day so you get some leeway to make rational decisions?

Often, some intensity imbalance is required to balance a relationship. Ironical, isn’t it? It’s never 50-50. Fighting for that 50-50 is when the balance goes haywire. Your whole focus is on whether equality is being maintained. A 40-60 is good enough, where each partner is mature enough to take the lower percentage of the deal, depending on the situation. But maturity is scarce, often leading to one partner compromising more than the other, accumulating bitterness in the long run.

I am in a proper healthy relationship at the moment, which feels different. Does he love me more than I love him? I am not sure. It feels equal. But less intense than any of the previous ones. It feels more mature, where things are discussed rationally, and no disrespect or insults are thrown generously into the air. We talk like proper adults with our negative emotions in check. For someone so used to an overflow of feelings, war of words, and flurry of insults, this silent, peaceful lull feels refreshing.

I can’t help but wonder if age and experience have a role to play in how he and I feel. He confided in me that he used to have no control over his words or emotions in his 20s. He used to be an angry young man, possessive, and naive. This contrasts with his current version, a wise man humbled by his own life experiences. It may be why “first love” is unique. Our emotions are intense in our formative years, and age has a way of watering them down. It is not that the love we experience later in life isn’t true. It becomes more guarded because you subconsciously filter your emotions through the lenses of your previous relationships. You learn your lessons, and you get better. But some of the dreamy rawness gets lost in the process.

If you are happily married to your first love, you might not relate to this post. But those who have had some failed passionate relationships would understand this feeling of being “in love” but also knowing the person isn’t right for you. The agony ends up changing you and even your future relationships because nothing molds you more intricately than experience. We are a sum of all the experiences we have been through, and each of us has a different journey that we have carved out on our own. It is understandable, then, why the concept of the “ideal relationship” may vary from person to person and may evolve over time. What I feel about love now is drastically different from my 20s. Earlier, I used to prioritize PDA and gifts. Nowadays, I prefer the subdued kind.

Do I miss the passion and cheesiness of my earlier relationships? Sure. But they have also taught me to step back and feel gratitude for the security and peace that comes with a healthy, respectful one.

An Ode to Nonviolent Communication

Holding Hands - Nonviolent Communication

Happy to announce I am now 100% nonviolent after reading Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

I am also 100% lying.

Because, like all good things in life, NVC takes effort. And practice. Having just finished the book, I only have an idea of what to say but no practical experience.

Conflict resolution is an interesting topic to me since we have to deal with conflicts in every aspect of our lives. How can we be stern and kind at the same time? How can we get the best out of any situation? Being able to communicate effectively is an art in itself.

I have always taken away something, if not everything, from every book I’ve read – a new kind of awareness. What I took away from this one was to take a moment to step back and focus on needs instead of the more apparent negatives during an argument. It helps with forgiveness. It keeps you calm. So it’s a win-win overall.

What is NVC?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a practice that must be consciously ingrained in our daily interactions to see results. It includes letting go of your judgments and interacting with the other person to focus on each other’s needs instead of playing the blame game. We attribute violence to physical and mental abuse. But here, the author talks about negative communication as violence too. Things like incessant blaming, judging, silent treatment, and mocking all form a part of violent communication.

So here are some of the key takeaways from the book:

Focusing on needs

The four components of NVC include: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we would like to request to enrich our lives. To summarize, the two parts of NVC are 1) expressing honestly 2) receiving empathically.

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel.. because I need..”

Something you need to keep repeating to yourself whenever you are agitated. What is it that you need? Focus on each other’s primary emotion (need) instead of lashing out at each other.

Avoiding blame and judgment

Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?

The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future. So even if our present need is met in the sense that people do what we want, we will pay for it later.

Makes you think, doesn’t it? Why would someone tell you the truth if they knew they would be misunderstood or shouted at? I feel the more we make someone feel uncomfortable and “dirty” for telling us the truth, the more they will hide it the next time.

Being empathic even with people who hurt you

Blaming is easy. People are used to hearing blame; sometimes they agree with it and hate themselves – which doesn’t stop them from behaving the same way – and sometimes they hate us for calling them names – which also doesn’t stop their behavior. If we sense blame entering their mind, we may need to slow down, go back, and hear their pain for a while more.

NVC stresses hearing the other person a while longer and understanding their feelings before we put forward our requests. Such a method lets the other person relax and be in a proper frame of mind to receive and reciprocate.

Conflict Resolution

The more experience I have gained in mediating conflicts over the years and the more I’ve seen what leads families to argue and nations to go to war, the more convinced I am that most schoolchildren could solve these conflicts. If we could just say, “Here are the needs of both sides. Here are the resources. What can be done to meet these needs?,” conflicts would be easily resolved. But instead, our thinking is focused on dehumanizing one another with labels and judgments until even the simplest of conflicts becomes very difficult to solve. NVC helps us avoid that trap, thereby enhancing the chances of reaching a satisfying resolution.

Why can’t warring countries adopt this methodology, sit together, and discuss resolutions in a non-confrontational way? The world would be a more peaceful place to live in.

An Ode to the Kind Stranger at the Café

A bitter argument,

A door slam,

An empty apartment. A heavy heart.

Tears. Surplus tears.

Misery spanning the entire morning and half of afternoon,

No breakfast, no lunch; hunger killed by words as sharp as a knife,

Hunger killed by heart-numbing brashness.

Soul crushing, sky falling, world burning,

It feels like death – this beginning of the end.

Death of a person still very much alive,

Death of a marriage,

Death of love.

I push myself up, wiping away tears,

I head outdoors,

I walk aimlessly, like a lost soul,

And I spot a small café.

Self-care beckons,

“I should eat something.“

An order placed with gloom. Face full of despair.

Eyes down. Gaze lowered. No strength to face anyone,

No strength to smile.

“A cup of coffee and a sandwich.“

The order arrives,

I lift my gaze, and I smile,

The coffee has a heart on top.

A beautiful little heart.

Intrigued, I look at other cups around me,

No, this one is just for me.

In a sea of pain, it felt like a wave of comfort,

A compassionate message,

A comforting hug.

I look around for the waiter,

I spot him in a corner,

Working but eyes fixed on me.

He smiles compassionately,

I smile back,

Warmth.

A sign that the world is not so bad after all,

A sign that I’ll be okay – even if it’s the beginning of the end.

Context: The magic of kindness. A stranger I’ve never met before provided me hope on the most hopeless of days. I never met him after that. The incident happened years ago, but I still think of it fondly. I feel a cocktail of emotions whenever I remember that moment in the café. It still makes me smile.