I decided to watch “Nobody Wants This”, starring Adam Brody and Kristen Bell, after reading positive reviews by friends and acquaintances on social media. The synopsis on Netflix initially failed to interest me, so it never made it to my watchlist. However, after going through reviews, I decided to give it a try. “I could always stop if I didn’t enjoy it,” I reasoned. Thankfully, I found the romcom drama refreshing.
I enjoyed the side characters more than the main leads, especially the Jewish family members. They were quirky, hilarious, and surprisingly felt close to home. My country, India, is not exactly the most open when it comes to interfaith relationships. Sure, it is happening more than ever, but some questions persist.
“How will the two adjust to different religious beliefs?”
“Whose religion would the kids inherit?”
“Would we lose our child to another religion?”
These are some common questions that arise in the minds of many Hindu families when their child’s interfaith relationship progresses to the marriage stage.
Netflix’s ‘Nobody Wants This’ interestingly tackles a subject that not many interfaith romcoms have done before – conversion. Should you convert if your partner from another faith insists on it, claiming (or emotionally blackmailing) marriage is impossible otherwise? I will be honest. I do not think one has to sacrifice their identity in love. Requiring conversion as a condition for marriage feels manipulative and unfair. If your partner truly loves you, why would they expect you to change your identity?
I wouldn’t have hesitated to convert for love in my younger days. Back then, love mattered more to me than anything else, even religion. However, as I matured and understood life better, I realized you can follow your heart without leaving your brain behind. You don’t have to bend over backward in love. That’s the beauty of aging – you realize that sacrificing your identity is never an option. Your partner has to accept the way you are.
Yet, some people, unable to disappoint their parents, push their partners to take this extreme step. If they can’t disagree with their parents over an important issue such as the partner’s identity, how will they ever be able to support the partner when issues involving parents over less important matters pop up in the future? Once you let go of your identity, more demands pour in – you are expected to raise your children following only one belief and break off all ties with your “old” religion. It is an overwhelming decision no one should be subjected to, especially on the people you love. One sacrifice is often followed by umpteen other sacrifices.
I am glad this aversion to conversion is gaining traction in India, with many refusing to convert for marriage. In fact, some people are even choosing to end their relationships over it. Why convert when our legal system allows couples from different faiths to marry in court?
The romcom touches on this sensitive topic of conversion and the ideological differences between the two communities. One is liberal, the other conservative. How to tackle differing opinions? The main characters aspire to provide you with an answer.
‘Nobody Wants This’ is streaming on Netflix. It has a total of 10 episodes, with each lasting around 30 minutes.
Hania Aamir plays the character of Sharjeena in Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum
I came to know about the Pakistani drama Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum from YouTube recommendations. This was one of those times when YouTube got its algorithm right.
I wasn’t initially sure whether I would like the drama, but once I started, I was hooked. It is no surprise that Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum has gained popularity in India. The reasons are plenty.
Focus on Relationships
The story focuses on everyday relationships. It does not aim to convey any profound social message. The drama is not entirely progressive, but as the audience, the onus lies on us to accept the fictional world of those characters.
We are at an age where we look into political correctness in every movie or drama. This mentality somehow has ruined the movie-watching experience for people like me who prefer rawness over perfection. Indian filmmakers have become too cautious and afraid to offend, which is understandable considering the polarized times we live in. However, they can still develop unique story ideas that are family-oriented.
Most Indian movies and dramas getting appreciated nowadays are dark. If, by chance, a love story gets released, people are quick to dismiss it as cringe, misogynistic, or fake. Box office numbers also reveal that romantic movies have lost their appeal in India. Or maybe it’s because we are not coming up with a captivating love story. Due to this, many filmmakers stay away from making out-and-out romantic, feel-good movies.
So, considering the lack of romantic content, it’s understandable why many Indians are drifting towards Korean and Pakistani dramas like Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum that keep the old-world romance and family-centered stories alive.
The primary takers of romance are women. Most of us understand that the romance shown in movies is make-believe and not realistic, yet we crave a world that we can deep-dive into when we are stressed. Unfortunately, there are not enough choices for us nowadays. This is why dramas like Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum come as a refresher.
Clean Love Story
Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum meets the bill of sweet, clean love stories that we used to enjoy in the past. No one is making out the moment they meet; no one has an “I am cooler than you” attitude. The chemistry is there for your eyes to see. They look lovingly at each other with slight smiles, enjoy quiet dinners sitting on their bedroom floor, and mesh into each other’s lifestyles even if they are poles apart. Small things that make a significant impact.
Beautiful and Relatable Styling
I absolutely love Sharjeena’s free-flowing Pakistani outfits. The styling gives you a feeling that you, too, can pull off the outfit. The hair is not overstyled; the fit is comfortable and suitable for all body sizes, and there is a feeling of relatability when you see it. Nothing seems out of reach for the regular person.
No Realism Fatigue
I personally do not wish to experience realism fatigue while watching a movie or drama, so a good balance of relatability and aesthetics is ideal. To clarify, you might have seen several scenes in Indian dramas/movies shot in the bathroom where the main character is shown answering nature’s calls. They are realistic but not aesthetic. So, in my opinion, such scenes are better avoided in a make-believe world. We don’t need to know if the character peed or pooped or has a runny nose or sweaty face. Some things are better left for the real world.
Conclusion
I believe Indian filmmakers should take note of the popularity of Korean and Pakistani dramas in India. They should recognize that there is a market for such content, which they are currently neglecting to cater to. To create such wholesome dramas or movies, first and foremost, we need better storytellers. Korean dramas are written by female writers, which brings a unique female perspective to the stories. Perhaps Indian filmmakers should consider hiring female writers to bring back the charm of feel-good content in our films.
As a woman in my 40s, I am living an unconventional life in India, a conservative country that believes a woman’s life is incomplete if unmarried. I have experienced the ups and downs of living this kind of life while exploring new territories and learning from my experiences along the way. None of my family members or friends have chosen to live this way, so I don’t have anyone to look to for guidance. Is it daunting? Of course. But would I have it any different? Definitely not.
It’s amusing that many people who warn about the drawbacks of being single are usually married. They haven’t experienced living alone for a significant amount of time, so they may not be the best advisors on “the other side” of the single life. These wellwishers often point to that one person they know who is feeling lonely in their 40s to push you to get married. Is it a genuine concern for your well-being, or is it a way for them to reaffirm their own choices? It’s hard to say for sure. In my view, only someone who has lived alone for 10+ years is truly qualified to answer whether the single life is as daunting as it’s made out to be.
Some advocates of marriage believe it to be the solution to all problems, especially for women in India. Feeling bored? Get married. Want to travel to foreign countries? Get married. Want to party at a club? Get married. Getting married is an all-in-one solution.
I got married in my 20s due to pressure. It was an arranged marriage. Unfortunately, it did not end well, as we were incompatible. Our culture and beliefs clashed from day one. We knew we were poles apart before we got married, but we fell for the usual narrative that marriage is the solution to all problems, even compatibility issues. No one was sensible enough to advise us that basic compatibility is required for a marriage to work. In fact, both sides of the family were desperate for us to get married as we were quickly crossing the ideal age for marriage.
My marriage eventually ended. It’s been 15+ years since my divorce, and I haven’t still tied the knot. I have no plan to. A year after my divorce, relatives started telling me how marriage is important and that I should consider getting married again. They told me to think of how my life would be in my 40s without a husband. In their eyes, it would be torture. But now that I am in my 40s and still unmarried, I will tell you a little secret. I have never felt freer and happier.
Someone now might say, “Wait till you are in your 50s“. I am ready to accept that challenge too. No one knows me better than I do. And I am sure it’s the case with you too. However, if you are in your early 20s and wondering if marriage is for you, here are some points to consider.
Get married if you are a social butterfly
If you are naturally extroverted and love being around people, chances are you would crave companionship at some point in your life. I am an introvert, bordering on being a loner. For me, solitude is a way of life.
As you age, you will find yourself spending a lot of time by yourself because everyone in your age group will be busy with life. You might get together once in a while, but meeting up every day would be unfeasible. Picture yourself in such a scenario. Would you crave constant companionship? Or would you be fine without it? As per my experience, most extroverts are not comfortable with stillness, silence, and calm. They need some human presence around them to feel energetic.
Find out the actual reason for your disinterest in marriage
I have seen that those who wish to get married but cannot find a partner end up choosing to live alone out of frustration or tiredness that emanates from constant disappointment. There is a chance such people might end up feeling lonely in their 40s. They have that “if only” in the back of their minds. Genuinely ask yourself if you are choosing to stay unmarried because it’s the best lifestyle for you or because you are unable to find a partner. If it’s the latter, you should not give up on the idea of marriage.
Living alone can be expensive
If you plan to stay single, you will need to save more. A pro of being married is that both of you can contribute to your daily expenses, whereas if you stay single, the onus falls on you alone – to earn well, invest wisely, and save efficiently. Of course, you shouldn’t get married thinking it will be costly to stay alone. Marriage is for companionship. However, this is a point that I found worth mentioning.
Living alone can be frustrating at times
I have been living alone for ages now, but there are times when I feel, “If only I could share this chore with someone.” But wanting a person to delegate my chores to isn’t a good enough reason for me to get married. I know for a fact that this need would be fulfilled if I hired some help. Alas, I am someone who wants to do it all by myself. This often leads to me being overwhelmed. But I take each experience as a lesson. If I were married, I wouldn’t have learned many things I know today. I would have been overly dependent on my husband to handle everything – from finances to decision-making. But yes, be prepared to be overwhelmed while you navigate through stressful times on your own.
Staying unmarried doesn’t mean saying no to love
You can be in love and still choose to remain unmarried. This is not widely understood. Many people assume that being unmarried means rejecting love. I have been in a committed relationship for many years, and I have no plans to marry because the traditional Indian married life is not what either of us wants.
What about the future?
Many people in favor of marriage often pose the question, “What about the future? What will happen when you’re 70 or 80?” It’s a valid question but not a compelling reason to get married. Your spouse may pass away, and if you don’t have children, you may find yourself alone. In Indian culture, parents often view their children as a safety net for their old age. However, many elderly parents in India find themselves alone as their children are settled abroad and only visit occasionally.
I have a few options to consider for my future living arrangements. I could stay in a good retirement home or move in with a friend or relative who is living alone and could use some companionship. It’s important to me that I don’t become a burden to the people I care about because of my health issues. There are many potential paths to choose from, and the decisions I make will depend on the trajectory of my life. I simply want to be financially independent and not rely on anyone else.
Having the confidence that I can thrive regardless of what life brings my way means I don’t have to fear being unmarried.
Losses are an unavoidable part of life. You win over some people while you lose others. However, some losses, especially the death of a parent, are permanent and leave an aching scar. Nothing can truly prepare you for this. The experience is uniquely profound in the sense that we often take our parents for granted, assuming they will always be there. When death eventually rears its ugly head, it comes as a rude shock.
I lost my father several years ago. I still vividly remember the days leading to his death. He had started losing his memory and was facing hallucinations. The doctors we consulted were unable to treat his issue effectively. As someone who has seen her father as a proactive and energetic man most of her life, this transition was unbearable. The pain and suffering of my loved ones always scared me. You feel helpless, knowing nothing you do can make them feel better. You also feel helpless witnessing their own struggle to comfort themselves.
Distance ends up helping your mental health in such circumstances, but it also brings with it a terrible amount of guilt. Some children go abroad and feel guilty for not spending enough time with their parents. I stayed near my parents, yet the guilt remained. How can you perfectly cater to your own mental health, essential for managing daily work life, while caring for an ailing loved one? It is not easy. This is the most difficult stage for any family member acting as a caregiver. We simply do not know how to navigate the situation.
My father quietly passed away one day while we were in the midst of hiring professional help for his care. It had become emotionally taxing for my mother to take care of him alone, so we needed the extra support. I guess his leaving us was his way of saying, “Don’t worry too much about me. I’m going to a better place where all my needs will be taken care of.“
People often say that time heals the pain of losing a loved one. As someone who has lived with grief for several years, I can tell you it’s a lie. You never heal from a loved one’s death; you simply make peace with it. The sadness becomes a part of you, often camouflaging itself well within the depths of your soul, but it sometimes surfaces unexpectedly. When it does, you embrace it, sit with it until the moment passes, and then carry on with your life.
The sadness travels with you like a silent, understanding companion. It doesn’t demand your attention all the time, but it never leaves you. You don’t wish for it to leave you alone, either. In this digital, robotic world, when circumstances make me feel like I am devoid of sentiments, all I have to do is think of my father. As my eyes well up, I feel relieved knowing my soul still aches from his memory. It serves as a gentle reminder that I am still a living, breathing being, capable of experiencing deep, intense emotions.
Relationships have never been a smooth sail for me. The kind of love glorified in movies and online platforms always felt like a distant dream. Agreed that cinema and social media do not always portray the complete picture. Yet, I envy people with uncomplicated relationships – they meet, like each other, and live happily ever after. Simple as that. For me, it has always been – we meet, we like each other, things fizzle out, distance, heartbreak, and increased caution.
I can cite many reasons for my past relationships not ending as I wanted them to. By this, I do not mean marriage, as that is not my end goal. I have been married once, and it was enough to make me realize that a traditional marriage, with its many rules and regulations, is not meant for someone unorthodox like me. It also wouldn’t be fair to impose my eccentric perspective on a family that adheres strictly to traditional marriage norms. In India, let’s face it, most families do want a marriage that sticks with the conventional route. Anyway, that’s a topic for another day.
What I seek is a long-lasting, peaceful, healthy, uncomplicated companionship rooted in friendship. The type that doesn’t make you stand on your toes or feel a sense of dread. The kind that doesn’t try to control or abuse. It is free-flowing and natural. A type of love that is as comforting as a warm cup of chai.
This post is not about my past relationships. It does not seek to give any motivational, positive advice. The thing I want to focus on is my feelings. There is always a fear lingering, no thanks to previous experiences.
I am currently in a relationship with the most caring man I have ever met. Someone who makes me feel at ease. I am at my most authentic self in his presence. However, sometimes, I look at his kindness with skepticism.
When you have had people playing with your feelings in the past, you eye even the sincere ones with suspicion. It’s a survival mechanism. You want to protect yourself from any impending heartbreak. You do that by asking yourself tough questions. You put yourself in a spot. You wonder if there will ever come a point when they, too, will start acting distant. Would the person, over time, forget that you two shared meaningful moments together, and end up talking in a manner devoid of any warmth or friendship as if you are a complete stranger wasting their time? Do you have it in you to deal with one more heartbreak, one more connection that transitions towards indifference?
These dark emotions are exclusive to us, the lovers with a broken track record.
It’s a terrible game your mind plays. Even your heart. You find yourself saying, “Be careful. Keep a safe distance always. It helps.” However, it is easier said than done. Gaining control over matters of the heart is not easy. It almost sounds robotic to do so. Humans often default to trust, hoping they’ve made the right choice and leaving the rest to fate. If events are destined, they’ll unfold regardless. Obsessing over control only brings suffocation and regret.
Life has this uncanny ability to unravel answers to your most pressing questions over time. That’s the one pro of aging – you gain this awareness that the answer will indeed arrive, if not now, then at a later stage. The sane thing to do would be to wait patiently instead of torturing yourself with questions that no one, even yourself, would be able to answer at the moment.
“What does love feel like?” asked a member of a community I am a part of. She had never experienced romantic love before and was genuinely curious about what to expect when she eventually falls in love – Is love easy? Is it kind? Is it everything movies and books make it out to be?
In my 20s, my answer would have been, “Love means you are willing to do anything for the person.” It meant no inhibitions, forgiving all mistakes, and smiling positively through the storms. There is no sense of self. You are engulfed by passion and intimacy to the point your brain cells cease to function.
The way we look at love in our 20s might be derived from various sources – movies, shows, books, music videos, social media, interviews, etc. The love depicted in public is often dreamy, romantic, and glossy. The type that makes our hearts sing. We expect our partners to follow the same route – always say and do the right things at the right time. However, it is not as simple. One must undergo real experiences to truly understand and form our own definition of love.
My perception of love changed considerably in my 40s.
Love no longer means giving up everything to make a relationship work, especially your self-respect. Love means being at ease with your partner, not walking on your toes, and being anxious about their reaction. Love is comfort, like a tight hug after a tiring day, like a cup of coffee embracing you with its warmth. An emotion that is balanced, not agitating and swinging back and forth between extremes of love and hate.
I have experienced bad relationships and am thankful I overcame them unscathed. Back then, blinded by love, I would find excuses to justify any form of disrespect I got. I would tell myself, “They must have had a bad day.” “Maybe they didn’t mean what they said.” But over time, you learn not everything is done unintentionally. If a mistake happens more than once, it is not a mistake, it’s a habit, a conscious decision. But the young me did not understand all this. I was under the impression that the harder I worked in my relationship, the easier it would be for my partner to love me.
Love requires some amount of compromise, for sure. But how much is too much? Only you can answer that yourself. Different people have different levels of tolerance. What might sound disrespectful to me might not be for the other person. However, a general rule of thumb is that I should feel at ease with my partner and be able to communicate freely without fear.
I am curious how my definition of love will change over the next 20 years. Will love be more balanced than it is now, or would it sway? Only time can tell.
The Monkey Dilemma 
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