An Ode to Lessons Learned in 2024

As the year comes to a close, it’s time to reflect on the lessons learned this year. I have the utmost gratitude for those who showered me with love, kindness, and patience. However, I also felt discomfort knowing that not everyone who greets me with gifts, smiles, and sweet words considers me as someone worth their time.

Small things that irked me this year:

A relative who never supported my writing ventures expected me to support her new Instagram page.
People being frighteningly okay with one kind of death over another based on religion, beliefs, and ideologies.
When people whom I consider dear went to events without informing me.

The lessons I learned from each of these:

You need not feel guilt for treating people like they treat you. You are not a holy saint but a living, breathing, ordinary human being who harbors a myriad of emotions. Having expectations from people you care about is healthy so that boundaries aren’t crossed. Consistent compromises can affect your mental health and even bring down your self-esteem.
People are inherently biased. This fact is uncomfortable and dark but true. The way we look at anything is colored by our upbringing, our own experiences, and our way of life. So, for example, when you see someone advocating for human rights, you need to be wary of their agenda – is it genuine? Do they advocate for the rights of all humans or only a select few?
We have to accept that we are not everyone’s cup of tea. This holds more true for someone like me, an unmarried woman who says the most unorthodox things and is a social hermit by nature. When you live a life that is the most authentic to you, you will not gain many friends, as you are largely unrelatable. This self-realization will help reduce unnecessary expectations from people who genuinely require something else from the people around them, not what you have to offer.

Instead of blaming people, the solution often lies within. It’s impossible to change everyone and everything to your liking. The answer sometimes is to accept the reality and move on. Maybe in this quest, you will find your tribe that understands and accepts the person that you are, and things will feel less forced and more genuine.

For me, it’s often not the acts, like seasonal gift-giving, that show someone’s true nature, but in the little things – remembering you and asking you to tag along to events they know you would enjoy, uninhibited support to passions that mean a lot to you, and not finding you weird when you show your vulnerable side. It’s also the acknowledgment of the fact that you expected something more and them making an effort to meet that expectation the next time around. Touch wood, I have a select few who understand me the way I want to be understood. But being a hypersensitive individual could mean you get disturbed when people you expected to cheer you take a step back and treat you and the things you love with indifference.

But such is life. Every year, you learn new lessons and new aspects of people around you that you never observed before. You communicate your grievances. But if the subpar treatment continues, you accept, adapt, and move on. It’s the only way to live. The disappointment may linger for some time, but then the lessons merge and become a part of you, and eventually, you start embracing the new normal. That is until you learn your next lesson.

P.S.: This would be my last post for the month and year. Holidays beckon. I wish you and your family a happy, joyous new year!

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Photo by Madison Inouye

Cultural Surprises and Shocks in Zard Patton Ka Bunn

I have only completed one episode of Zard Patton Ka Bunn (I have no idea what this means) so far on YouTube, but I already have a feeling I will like this Pakistani drama better than Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum. Sharjeena and Mustafa were cute and the series started off well but I didn’t find the story engrossing enough towards the end.

The first episode of ZPKB is endearing. A girl is praying intensely that she passes her exams, while the Maulawi (religious scholar) requests everyone through the mic in the mosque to pray for her. He says it’s admirable that a girl in the village wants to study more.

This Maulawi is hilarious! When a village officer visits the mosque to announce a population control drive, the Maulawi asks, “What’s the population of Pakistan?” The officer replies, “It’s now 22 crore.” The Maulawi then mumbles to himself in a lighthearted moment, “What’s the use of these 22 crore people if they can’t even sponsor one motor for the mosque well!”

It’s funny how the Maulawi is shown as a comical character who no one in the village takes seriously. It’s surprising because I always thought Maulawis were treated with utmost respect. On the contrary, this series treats the Maulawi exactly like how some Indian movies show swamis and gurus in a funny light. In the first episode, the villagers are shown berating him for overusing the mosque mic. He’s on it every other minute, asking for donations for the motor.

Now, the shocking part was how casually a female character scolded her husband for waking up late, saying, “You’re a Muslim, not a kafir,” as if it were normal, everyday language. The way the word “kafir” (non-believer) was used so casually suggests it’s deeply ingrained in the cultural discourse. To a Hindu, like me, the word hit me like a jolt. In contemporary times, the word kafir can be seen as an insult by non-Muslims, especially when it is used to highlight the superiority of one religion over another. As a tolerant kafir, I’ll let it slide and move on, but it does make me wonder about its impact, especially among impressionable Indian youth who are into Pakistani dramas. My concern is that it could reinforce divisive ideas, encouraging people to see others through a binary lens of “believers” and “kafirs”. That’s a troubling thought in any diverse, multi-faith society. But here’s hoping Pakistani dramas will be more mindful of such polarized language in the future. As the world becomes more interconnected and local entertainment reaches a global audience, paying attention to details like language can help ensure you don’t alienate anyone who appreciates your work.

That said, I have no intention of boycotting the series. I look forward to watching the remaining episodes on YouTube. It’s not every day you come across such feel-good wholesome witty content. I will savor every moment of it.

Korean Drama Spotlight: No Gain No Love

Recently, I watched the Korean drama “No Gain No Love” on Amazon Prime. I was going through a Korean drama slump, so I was unsure if I would be able to complete the drama. However, the cute chemistry between the lead characters kept me going.

What’s It About?

No Gain No Love is precisely what the name implies – if there’s no gain involved, don’t expect any love.

An ambitious woman, Son Hae-yeong, decides to enter into a fake marriage with a younger man, Kim Ji-uk, to claim office benefits. The man has his own share of secrets that he needs to safeguard from Son Hae-yeong.

Thoughts

I adored the chemistry between Shin Min-a and Kim Young-dae. Their pairing appeared fresh and different, accentuated by Shin Min-a’s perfect comedy timing and Kim Young-dae’s boyish charms.

Surprisingly, the series is bold in the sense it navigates different characters commonly unexplored in family-oriented Korean dramas. You have the leads indulging in mature, flirty conversations at the start, a departure from the usual cutesy romantic lines we are subjected to. Then, you have a writer who authors erotic books. Plus, there’s another couple engaged in an unconventional love story. The effort is commendable.

The newness of the characters aside, the story could have been written better. The plot is predictable and drags in the later episodes. However, the superlative performances save the series. It was Shin Min-a’s show through and through.

Another grievance is the considerable effort to portray the lead actress as someone younger than her age. Shin Min-a is 40 years old, whereas the character in the series is around 32-33. The smoothening filter felt overdone. Despite that flaw, the chemistry still worked for me, unlike “The Idea of You”, which had a much older character, played by Anne Hathaway, falling for a flirtatious, BTS-que boy band singer, played by Nicholas Galitzine. As long as the story and the chemistry make sense, the age difference does not matter. In “The Idea of You” the chemistry nor the story was convincing enough, but in “No Gain No Love” it was.

No Gain No Love is streaming on Amazon Prime. The series has 12 episodes, with each episode lasting roughly an hour.

‘Nobody Wants This’ Delves into a Rarely Explored Topic

I decided to watch “Nobody Wants This”, starring Adam Brody and Kristen Bell, after reading positive reviews by friends and acquaintances on social media. The synopsis on Netflix initially failed to interest me, so it never made it to my watchlist. However, after going through reviews, I decided to give it a try. “I could always stop if I didn’t enjoy it,” I reasoned. Thankfully, I found the romcom drama refreshing.

I enjoyed the side characters more than the main leads, especially the Jewish family members. They were quirky, hilarious, and surprisingly felt close to home. My country, India, is not exactly the most open when it comes to interfaith relationships. Sure, it is happening more than ever, but some questions persist.

“How will the two adjust to different religious beliefs?”

“Whose religion would the kids inherit?”

“Would we lose our child to another religion?”

These are some common questions that arise in the minds of many Hindu families when their child’s interfaith relationship progresses to the marriage stage.

Netflix’s ‘Nobody Wants This’ interestingly tackles a subject that not many interfaith romcoms have done before – conversion. Should you convert if your partner from another faith insists on it, claiming (or emotionally blackmailing) marriage is impossible otherwise? I will be honest. I do not think one has to sacrifice their identity in love. Requiring conversion as a condition for marriage feels manipulative and unfair. If your partner truly loves you, why would they expect you to change your identity?

I wouldn’t have hesitated to convert for love in my younger days. Back then, love mattered more to me than anything else, even religion. However, as I matured and understood life better, I realized you can follow your heart without leaving your brain behind. You don’t have to bend over backward in love. That’s the beauty of aging – you realize that sacrificing your identity is never an option. Your partner has to accept the way you are.

Yet, some people, unable to disappoint their parents, push their partners to take this extreme step. If they can’t disagree with their parents over an important issue such as the partner’s identity, how will they ever be able to support the partner when issues involving parents over less important matters pop up in the future? Once you let go of your identity, more demands pour in – you are expected to raise your children following only one belief and break off all ties with your “old” religion. It is an overwhelming decision no one should be subjected to, especially on the people you love. One sacrifice is often followed by umpteen other sacrifices.

I am glad this aversion to conversion is gaining traction in India, with many refusing to convert for marriage. In fact, some people are even choosing to end their relationships over it. Why convert when our legal system allows couples from different faiths to marry in court?

The romcom touches on this sensitive topic of conversion and the ideological differences between the two communities. One is liberal, the other conservative. How to tackle differing opinions? The main characters aspire to provide you with an answer.

‘Nobody Wants This’ is streaming on Netflix. It has a total of 10 episodes, with each lasting around 30 minutes.

An Ode to Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum

I came to know about the Pakistani drama Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum from YouTube recommendations. This was one of those times when YouTube got its algorithm right.

I wasn’t initially sure whether I would like the drama, but once I started, I was hooked. It is no surprise that Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum has gained popularity in India. The reasons are plenty.

Focus on Relationships

The story focuses on everyday relationships. It does not aim to convey any profound social message. The drama is not entirely progressive, but as the audience, the onus lies on us to accept the fictional world of those characters.

We are at an age where we look into political correctness in every movie or drama. This mentality somehow has ruined the movie-watching experience for people like me who prefer rawness over perfection. Indian filmmakers have become too cautious and afraid to offend, which is understandable considering the polarized times we live in. However, they can still develop unique story ideas that are family-oriented.

Most Indian movies and dramas getting appreciated nowadays are dark. If, by chance, a love story gets released, people are quick to dismiss it as cringe, misogynistic, or fake. Box office numbers also reveal that romantic movies have lost their appeal in India. Or maybe it’s because we are not coming up with a captivating love story. Due to this, many filmmakers stay away from making out-and-out romantic, feel-good movies.

So, considering the lack of romantic content, it’s understandable why many Indians are drifting towards Korean and Pakistani dramas like Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum that keep the old-world romance and family-centered stories alive.

The primary takers of romance are women. Most of us understand that the romance shown in movies is make-believe and not realistic, yet we crave a world that we can deep-dive into when we are stressed. Unfortunately, there are not enough choices for us nowadays. This is why dramas like Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum come as a refresher.

Clean Love Story

Kabhi Main Kabhi Tum meets the bill of sweet, clean love stories that we used to enjoy in the past. No one is making out the moment they meet; no one has an “I am cooler than you” attitude. The chemistry is there for your eyes to see. They look lovingly at each other with slight smiles, enjoy quiet dinners sitting on their bedroom floor, and mesh into each other’s lifestyles even if they are poles apart. Small things that make a significant impact.

Beautiful and Relatable Styling

I absolutely love Sharjeena’s free-flowing Pakistani outfits. The styling gives you a feeling that you, too, can pull off the outfit. The hair is not overstyled; the fit is comfortable and suitable for all body sizes, and there is a feeling of relatability when you see it. Nothing seems out of reach for the regular person.

No Realism Fatigue

I personally do not wish to experience realism fatigue while watching a movie or drama, so a good balance of relatability and aesthetics is ideal. To clarify, you might have seen several scenes in Indian dramas/movies shot in the bathroom where the main character is shown answering nature’s calls. They are realistic but not aesthetic. So, in my opinion, such scenes are better avoided in a make-believe world. We don’t need to know if the character peed or pooped or has a runny nose or sweaty face. Some things are better left for the real world.

Conclusion

I believe Indian filmmakers should take note of the popularity of Korean and Pakistani dramas in India. They should recognize that there is a market for such content, which they are currently neglecting to cater to. To create such wholesome dramas or movies, first and foremost, we need better storytellers. Korean dramas are written by female writers, which brings a unique female perspective to the stories. Perhaps Indian filmmakers should consider hiring female writers to bring back the charm of feel-good content in our films.

How to Know if the Unmarried Life is Right for You

As a woman in my 40s, I am living an unconventional life in India, a conservative country that believes a woman’s life is incomplete if unmarried. I have experienced the ups and downs of living this kind of life while exploring new territories and learning from my experiences along the way. None of my family members or friends have chosen to live this way, so I don’t have anyone to look to for guidance. Is it daunting? Of course. But would I have it any different? Definitely not.

It’s amusing that many people who warn about the drawbacks of being single are usually married. They haven’t experienced living alone for a significant amount of time, so they may not be the best advisors on “the other side” of the single life. These wellwishers often point to that one person they know who is feeling lonely in their 40s to push you to get married. Is it a genuine concern for your well-being, or is it a way for them to reaffirm their own choices? It’s hard to say for sure. In my view, only someone who has lived alone for 10+ years is truly qualified to answer whether the single life is as daunting as it’s made out to be.

Some advocates of marriage believe it to be the solution to all problems, especially for women in India. Feeling bored? Get married. Want to travel to foreign countries? Get married. Want to party at a club? Get married. Getting married is an all-in-one solution.

I got married in my 20s due to pressure. It was an arranged marriage. Unfortunately, it did not end well, as we were incompatible. Our culture and beliefs clashed from day one. We knew we were poles apart before we got married, but we fell for the usual narrative that marriage is the solution to all problems, even compatibility issues. No one was sensible enough to advise us that basic compatibility is required for a marriage to work. In fact, both sides of the family were desperate for us to get married as we were quickly crossing the ideal age for marriage.

My marriage eventually ended. It’s been 15+ years since my divorce, and I haven’t still tied the knot. I have no plan to. A year after my divorce, relatives started telling me how marriage is important and that I should consider getting married again. They told me to think of how my life would be in my 40s without a husband. In their eyes, it would be torture. But now that I am in my 40s and still unmarried, I will tell you a little secret. I have never felt freer and happier.

Someone now might say, “Wait till you are in your 50s“. I am ready to accept that challenge too. No one knows me better than I do. And I am sure it’s the case with you too. However, if you are in your early 20s and wondering if marriage is for you, here are some points to consider.

Get married if you are a social butterfly

If you are naturally extroverted and love being around people, chances are you would crave companionship at some point in your life. I am an introvert, bordering on being a loner. For me, solitude is a way of life.

As you age, you will find yourself spending a lot of time by yourself because everyone in your age group will be busy with life. You might get together once in a while, but meeting up every day would be unfeasible. Picture yourself in such a scenario. Would you crave constant companionship? Or would you be fine without it? As per my experience, most extroverts are not comfortable with stillness, silence, and calm. They need some human presence around them to feel energetic.

Find out the actual reason for your disinterest in marriage

I have seen that those who wish to get married but cannot find a partner end up choosing to live alone out of frustration or tiredness that emanates from constant disappointment. There is a chance such people might end up feeling lonely in their 40s. They have that “if only” in the back of their minds. Genuinely ask yourself if you are choosing to stay unmarried because it’s the best lifestyle for you or because you are unable to find a partner. If it’s the latter, you should not give up on the idea of marriage.

Living alone can be expensive

If you plan to stay single, you will need to save more. A pro of being married is that both of you can contribute to your daily expenses, whereas if you stay single, the onus falls on you alone – to earn well, invest wisely, and save efficiently. Of course, you shouldn’t get married thinking it will be costly to stay alone. Marriage is for companionship. However, this is a point that I found worth mentioning.

Living alone can be frustrating at times

I have been living alone for ages now, but there are times when I feel, “If only I could share this chore with someone.” But wanting a person to delegate my chores to isn’t a good enough reason for me to get married. I know for a fact that this need would be fulfilled if I hired some help. Alas, I am someone who wants to do it all by myself. This often leads to me being overwhelmed. But I take each experience as a lesson. If I were married, I wouldn’t have learned many things I know today. I would have been overly dependent on my husband to handle everything – from finances to decision-making. But yes, be prepared to be overwhelmed while you navigate through stressful times on your own.

Staying unmarried doesn’t mean saying no to love

You can be in love and still choose to remain unmarried. This is not widely understood. Many people assume that being unmarried means rejecting love. I have been in a committed relationship for many years, and I have no plans to marry because the traditional Indian married life is not what either of us wants.

What about the future?

Many people in favor of marriage often pose the question, “What about the future? What will happen when you’re 70 or 80?” It’s a valid question but not a compelling reason to get married. Your spouse may pass away, and if you don’t have children, you may find yourself alone. In Indian culture, parents often view their children as a safety net for their old age. However, many elderly parents in India find themselves alone as their children are settled abroad and only visit occasionally.

I have a few options to consider for my future living arrangements. I could stay in a good retirement home or move in with a friend or relative who is living alone and could use some companionship. It’s important to me that I don’t become a burden to the people I care about because of my health issues. There are many potential paths to choose from, and the decisions I make will depend on the trajectory of my life. I simply want to be financially independent and not rely on anyone else.

Having the confidence that I can thrive regardless of what life brings my way means I don’t have to fear being unmarried.

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Photo by Mihman Duu011fanlu0131