An Ode to Your Controversial History

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Time and again, we see an article about a well-known person having a controversial history. You hold it against them thinking they must have never learned or risen above it. “So and so said this or that ridiculous thing 10 years back or 20 years back. They are not what they look like!

People change over time. I can say for myself that my beliefs 10 years back aren’t the same as now. I have evolved and learned from my mistakes. I used to say the weirdest things, which when I look back at now, make me cringe into oblivion. It helped that I had a written version of all these thoughts (one of the few times I would like to thank social media), but since many don’t, you never get to recap on your judgments and think “What all shit did I say back then!” It is not the same for a celebrity though. Every single thing done or said by them is chronicled.

Sometimes I am glad I am not a celebrity. There is no one keeping a record of what I am saying and I have no fear of someone putting it on a big banner and exhibiting it in front of me many years from now when I am trying to progress in life.

Some people don’t learn, but should the default thinking be always pessimistic?

A controversial history could have been a very valuable lesson for the person. But how can they move on if society will not allow them to? At every road and juncture, they are reminded of what they said years ago – back when they didn’t know any better. Imagine that happening to us – someone continually reminding us of our failed relationships or divorce or mistakes.

Instead of judging by their past, analyze them by their current events, behavior, and personality. That will hold more true than outdated facts.

An Ode to Not Being Ambitious

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I recently watched a podcast by Kenny Sebastian on YouTube (Simple Ken – Episode 19), and something the guest said resonated a lot with me.

I am not at all ambitious. I have zero ambition. My ambition in my life is to be happy. I am not really competitive. For me to see another person doing well, I don’t really care, as long as it is not affecting my happiness. If you are really happy with yourself, another person’s achievements won’t concern you. There are many people who can look happy from outside, but miserable from inside.

I just want enough money to live a comfortable life. I mean, my own money, not taken from someone else. There is an amount that will make me comfortable, and I am okay with earning that amount or a little bit higher, but I am not reaching for something more.

It just makes me happier and calmer.

Tara Molloth

I am a minimalist, so each and every word struck a chord with me. I found it refreshing, because it is not something you hear people say openly. It is almost like a sin to say you are not ambitious nowadays in this fast-paced world.

Why isn’t this way of life more common?

Why isn’t happiness an ambition?

It’s okay to take a step back and breathe. It is okay to slow down. It is okay to not want the same things as others. It is okay to feel happy with little.

Our world is so obsessed with stellar achievements, ambitions, agenda, goals and to be on the move all the time that we often forget the key ingredient for survival: happiness.

  • To be happy with your work. Is that big fat paycheck, the sole reason you are sticking to the job you hate, really worth your mental peace?
  • To be happy in our relationships. Why do people sometimes suffer so much for so little?
  • To be happy with what we have. Why do we have to indulge in more when we are already content with our current standard of living?

Is “more” always the answer to happiness? If that were the case, celebrities would never be diagnosed with depression.

We have never been more fanatical about perfection. What is even more concerning is happiness being valued in terms of material possessions. That we *should* have the perfect car, perfect job, perfect house etc.

Your dream is sometimes not your dream, but a dream that someone else subconsciously has painted for you. We could be satisfied with far less, but we always push ourselves to do more, because truth be told, society is not impressed with frugality. As an example, look around, and see how many people are complimenting someone for their money-saving skills. We never say “Wow, you saved so much money by buying a small house/car/TV” We never show off our small expenses, but are quick to pose in front of a fancy restaurant or expensive car or check-in to business class lounges on Facebook.

The showstoppers, the ones with a deep pocket are admired, whereas the ones who enjoy a quiet and peaceful life are looked down upon. But then the world doesn’t care if you slip into debt or depression either.

Don’t let everyone’s preconceived notions steal you away from your one true goal and ambition: happiness.

An Ode to Unexplained Feelings

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Is it not unsettling that what we feel can never be expressed entirely with words?

Imagine feeling the whole world, and when you express it, it turns out less than whole – as small, grainy and flighty as sand. Most of the finest specks, lost in translation.

We are only subjected to someone’s surface-level emotions. The tip of an iceberg. Never truly getting to experience the depths.

People often say if given a superpower, they would like to read other’s minds. But how reliable are those thoughts? They can be inaccurate and flippant. You might feel pain, but the comments flaring in your mind might be that of anger. You might feel happiness, but your thoughts could counter with a cynical “Is this too good to be true?” Thoughts can be contradicting, untrue and a spoilsport. Feelings, though – they are as true as they can get.

I would rather feel what people are feeling – in its entirety. Feelings won’t lie even if you desperately wish they would. What we feel inside is the purest, most concentrated form of emotion. When we try to assemble our feelings into words, we dilute the essence by half. When we let it out, we lose more, depending on how skilled you are with the spoken language. Then it is up to the recipient to preserve the remaining as is or interpret it in a totally different way. A game of Chinese Whispers. This is why we are often left stunned, when a loved one misunderstands you, because what you feel is totally different from what they have interpreted it to be. Words can be beautiful but they are equally constricting.

I sometimes wonder if something like an emotion tester (let’s call it a feel-o-meter) would have made us less judgmental and more compassionate. A device that can measure the intensity of someone’s emotions.

  • To appreciate those who stay quiet but are filled up to the brim with love.
  • To recognize those who sweet talk but feel nothing.
  • To understand that someone’s pain is just that – pain, and nothing else – no manipulation, no faking involved.
  • To understand someone’s anger is more than just anger – it is a deep-rooted sadness.
  • To understand that someone’s inability to express is not apathy but an internal struggle with overwhelming emotions.

People mostly use their reckless judgment to analyze whether someone is being genuine or not.

  • We could be crying, but someone would say “Stop acting”
  • We could be hurt, but people would say “You are overreacting”
  • We could genuinely be sorry but someone would say “You don’t mean it”

We make up these little disapproving stories in our mind about a person, to suit our whims and fancies, without really knowing the truth. There is so much time wasted in this period between judgment and knowing. And who is to blame? Us for being unable to reveal our feelings in its totality, or them for not seeing our unadulterated feelings?

An Ode to Love Languages

My 5 Love Languages Test Result

The 5 Love Languages Test is something I stumbled across recently. Give it a go if you have nothing better to do this weekend. Mine is quite accurate, quality time is an absolute essential for me.

The whole idea behind the quiz is that love languages can clash: your way of showing love is not your partner’s way. For example, gifts are not a must for me at all. Just some quality time would do. This need not be the same for everyone. I know many who absolutely adore gifts. Some like a lot of physical touch, whereas others don’t. Some would want words of affirmation, whereas for others actions mean a lot more than words.

I believe knowing your partner’s love language can help in understanding them better. Why they don’t express the way you want them to, why the things you do are never enough for them etc. Maybe how you display love is different from their perception of love. Different people, different wants.

Maybe the love is there, but we are not seeing it because we are scrutinizing it with our own definition of love.

An Ode to the Kindest Person I Have Known

Be Kind
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Talking about dad, one particular incident keeps coming to mind, which floods my heart with love for him.

I remember as a high school kid making rice for the first time. We were in the GCC and mom was in India. So I took it upon myself to cook something for my dad. I totally forgot about the rice and ended up burning it. I felt very disappointed because it was the first time I tried to cook something. 

We had a party later on that day and dad mentioned that I cooked rice. One snarky uncle asked laughing “But the question is, did she cook it well? Did she burn it?” I could feel a joke coming up and was readying myself for it. To smile through it all, even if I was a little upset about my failure. But instead, my dad said “Yes, she cooked it very well!” and gave me a wink and a smile. 

A wave of relief. 

A wave of empathy. 

As you move on in life, you realize, this show of kindness is very rare. People are just looking for the next joke, or the next person to troll, or the next person to burn. “IDGAF” is deemed as the new cool.

Not understanding that empathy is far greater, and has a much greater impact. 

I am still to meet someone who is as kind and empathetic as dad. I am used to the best so how can I settle for anything less?