An Ode to 26 Thought-Provoking Life Quotes from Fredrik Backman’s Anxious People

I recently completed Fredrik Backman’s Anxious People. The book is about a failed bank robbery that turns into a hostage situation during an open-house apartment viewing. The story unfolds as a group of diverse characters, each with their own personal struggles and secrets, are brought together in an unexpected and tense situation.

“Anxious People” includes dollops of humor and empathy. Backman delves into the complexities of human emotions, vulnerabilities, and how human connection and shared experiences can bind even the most distinct characters. Ultimately, humanity and kindness win.

Fredrik Backman has a knack for words. His quotes in Beartown were a class apart and remain one of the most popular pages on this blog. His writing in Anxious People is no different. In no time, he captures your heart with his words to describe emotions that are generally not easy to translate into words.

Here are some of my most favorite quotes from the book:

This story is about a lot of things, but mostly about idiots. So it needs saying from the outset that it’s always very easy to declare that other people are idiots, but only if you forget how idiotically difficult being human is.

Our hearts are bars of soap that we keep losing hold of; the moment we relax, they drift off and fall in love and get broken, all in the wink of an eye. We’re not in control.

He presses his thumbs hard against his eyebrows, as if he hopes they’re two buttons and if he keeps them pressed at the same time for ten seconds he’ll be able to restore life to its factory settings.

Because you’ve probably been depressed yourself, you’ve had days when you’ve been in terrible pain in places that don’t show up in X-rays, when you can’t find the words to explain it even to the people who love you.

At the end of your career you’re trying to find a point to it all, and at the start of it you’re looking for a purpose.

Older men rarely know what to say to younger men to let them know that they care. It’s so hard to find the words when all you really want to say is: ‘I can see you’re hurting.’

‘Do you know what the worst thing about being a parent is? That you’re always judged by your worst moments. You can do a million things right, but if you do one single thing wrong you’re for ever that parent who was checking his phone in the park when your child was hit in the head by a swing. We don’t take our eyes off them for days at a time, but then you read just one text message and it’s as if all your best moments never happened. No one goes to see a psychologist to talk about all the times they weren’t hit in the head by a swing as a child. Parents are defined by their mistakes.’

She said you can’t protect your kids from life, because life gets us all in the end.

That’s an impossible thing for sons to grasp, and a source of shame for fathers to have to admit: that we don’t want our children to pursue their own dreams or walk in our footsteps. We want to walk in their footsteps while they pursue our dreams.

There was a time when a bank was a bank. But now there are evidently ‘cashless’ banks, banks without any money, which is surely something of a travesty? It’s hardly surprising that people get confused and society is going to the dogs when it’s full of caffeine-free coffee, gluten-free bread, alcohol-free beer.

We give those we love nicknames, because love requires a word that belongs to us alone.

Good grief, no one could cope with being newly infatuated, year after year. When you’re infatuated you can’t think about anything else, you forget about your friends, your work, your lunch. If we were infatuated all the time we’d starve to death. And being in love means being infatuated … from time to time. You have to be sensible.

The problem is that everything is relative, happiness is based on expectations, and we have the Internet now. A whole world constantly asking us: ‘But is your life as perfect as this? Well? How about now? Is it as perfect as this? If it isn’t, change it!’

The worst thing a divorce does to a person isn’t that it makes all the time you devoted to the relationship feel wasted, but that it steals all the plans you had for the future.

‘And … winners earn a lot of money, which is also important, I assume? What do you do with yours?’

‘I buy distance from other people.’

The psychologist had never heard that response before. ‘How do you mean?’

‘Expensive restaurants have bigger gaps between the tables. First class on aeroplanes has no middle seats. Exclusive hotels have separate entrances for guests staying in suites. The most expensive thing you can buy in the most densely populated places on the planet is distance.’

You can always tell by the way people who love each other argue: the longer they’ve been together, the fewer words they need to start a fight.

When you’re a child you long to be an adult and decide everything for yourself, but when you’re an adult you realize that’s the worst part of it.

We can’t change the world, and a lot of the time we can’t even change people. No more than one bit at a time. So we do what we can to help whenever we get the chance, sweetheart. We save those we can.

We do our best. Then we try to find a way to convince ourselves that that will just have to … be enough. So we can live with our failures without drowning.

One of the most human things about anxiety is that we try to cure chaos with chaos. Someone who has got themselves into a catastrophic situation rarely retreats from it, we’re far more inclined to carry on even faster. We’ve created lives where we can watch other people crash into the wall but still hope that somehow we’re going to pass straight through it. The closer we get, the more confidently we believe that some unlikely solution is miraculously going to save us, while everyone watching us is just waiting for the crash.

Boats that stay in the harbour are safe, sweetheart, but that’s not what boats were built for.

Young people today. You’re so aware of how you affect your children. I heard a paediatrician say on television that a generation ago, parents used to come to him and say, “Our child’s wetting the bed, what’s wrong with him?” Now, a generation later, they come to him and say, “Our child’s wetting the bed, what’s wrong with us?” You take the blame for everything.

Nothing must happen to you

No, what am I saying

Everything must happen to you

And it must be wonderful

They say that a person’s personality is the sum of their experiences. But that isn’t true, at least not entirely, because if our past was all that defined us, we’d never be able to put up with ourselves. We need to be allowed to convince ourselves that we’re more than the mistakes we made yesterday. That we are all of our next choices, too, all of our tomorrows.

Perhaps it’s true what they say, that up to a certain age a child loves you unconditionally and uncontrollably for one simple reason: you’re theirs. Your parents and siblings can love you for the rest of your life, too, for precisely the same reason.

Not knowing is a good place to start.

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Picture Courtesy: cottonbro studio

An Ode to My July 2024 Favorites

I don’t consider myself a shopaholic. I haven’t upgraded my phone in over 7 years or my car in over 10 years. It’s not because I can’t afford it, but because the ones I own still work perfectly. I replace items only when the current ones completely wear down, and I’m not tempted by new features in upgraded products (yet). I guess you could say I’m a capitalist’s worst nightmare.

I don’t think I am the best person to write a monthly favorites post, where I introduce a new favorite product each month. However, I do like to invest in products based on whether they fulfill a current need.

Here are some of my current favorites.

Scalp Massager

I like my monthly hair spas at the salon. I do it not to improve my hair quality or to boost hair growth but because the salon lady gives the best scalp massages. After a stressful work week, getting a good Indian scalp massage feels like paradise. This is one thing I love about India – hair spas are affordable – and you can pamper yourself with rejuvenating treatments as frequently as you like.

Of course, you don’t need to go to a salon for a scalp massage if a family member does it for you. Recently, during a visit to my mother, she treated me to a soothing scalp massage. It made me realize how wonderful it would be to have regular at-home massages. That is when I headed to Amazon to purchase a manual head massager.

While searching, I came across a new rechargeable scalp massager with silicon heads that mimic finger movements. I decided to buy one and, to my surprise, quite liked it. The silicon heads do not damage your hair and are gentle on the scalp. I was concerned whether the silicon heads would pull my hair, but thankfully no such thing happened.

There are different scalp massagers available on the market, but the one I got was the Caresmith one. My only issue with it is that only the silicone heads are washable. This means that it’s not really suitable for an oil hair massage or hair mask massage as it claims, because it’s impossible to do such massages without greasing the body of the massager.

Hot Chocolate

Now, I have had my share of hot chocolates, but S wi ss Miss is by far my favorite. It caters to my taste (not extremely sweet and has a rich texture), comes in individual envelopes, and is easy to make. I first came across this brand on a k-drama. I was surprised to find it available on Amazon India. There are different varieties to choose from, but I’ve only tried the milk chocolate one.

Electric Toothbrush

I stayed away from electric toothbrushes for the longest time as I did not get the hype around them. I finally decided to invest in one and have loved the experience so far. I feel my teeth look brighter and cleaner, probably because of the consistent, circular brush movements that are difficult to emulate manually.

The one I got was Oral B because a friend’s doctor recommended it to her. But there are other affordable brands available on Amazon.

Back Rest

I enjoy reading in bed, but it’s not always comfortable. I often wished my bed had good back support. One that is flexible, so I could adjust it to sit straight or lie back as needed. That’s when I searched on Amazon for a suitable product and came across this backrest. The good thing about it is that you can use it on the floor or the bed (after removing the attached padded mat).

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Photo by Porapak Apichodilok

An Ode to Unrestricted Quality Education for Indian Muslim Women

I came across this news today. It is comforting to know that there are members of the Muslim community in India who are fighting for unrestricted women’s education.

Samastha earlier had conveyed that a Muslim woman’s education should be encouraged but within religious restrictions. This became a point of debate across the state of Kerala, with many progressives calling it problematic. However, the most striking response came from a group within the community – the KNM. The organization is demanding that Samastha apologize for its take. KNM is not without its faults, but the stand they took on this particular issue is noteworthy.

Samastha and KNM

To the uninitiated, the “Samastha” group in Kerala refers to “Samastha Kerala Jamiyyathul Ulama,” an influential Sunni Muslim scholarly body in the state. Samastha plays a significant role in managing religious and educational institutions, including madrasas and mosques, and often issues guidelines on religious matters.

The term “Mujahids” in the context of Kerala typically refers to the Kerala Nadvathul Mujahideen (KNM), a prominent Islamic reformist organization in the state. The KNM often contrasts with traditionalist groups like Samastha, promoting a more modern interpretation of Islam, such as advocating the opening of the doors of mosques for Muslim women to enable them to offer Friday juma prayers.

Restricting Women’s Education on Religious Lines

If we connect religion with education, the progress of women in our country will be hindered. Afghanistan is a live example of this. Currently, girls in Afghanistan are generally allowed to attend school only up to the sixth grade. The Taliban, who regained control of the country in August 2021, have imposed severe restrictions on girls’ education beyond this level. Secondary education for girls (grades 7-12) has been largely suspended, and there have also been significant restrictions on female university students, including the closure of universities to women in late 2022. These measures have been widely condemned by international organizations and human rights groups. The global campaign #LetHerLearn, which advocates for Afghan women’s right to education, is gaining traction.

India is no Afghanistan. Here, women are allowed to study without restrictions regardless of religion. Women who are limited to religious studies may face challenges in the corporate world. It would severely restrict their job opportunities in a secular country like India, where well-paid corporate jobs often require you to engage with a global audience and follow strict academic and professional protocols that might not always adhere to religious lines.

Jobs cannot be built around religion in a democracy. Corporate jobs often require specific skills such as critical thinking, teamwork, leadership, and digital literacy. Religious studies may not always focus on developing these skills, which can impact the ability to perform effectively in a corporate setting.

Unfortunate Consequences

What happens when there are limited job opportunities for women due to religious restrictions? They will end up staying at home. Marriage becomes the only option. Financial independence becomes a distant dream.

It is ultimately up to the Indian Muslim woman to decide. If she wishes to pursue further studies, she should not be shamed.

Indian Muslim women deserve quality education, just like anyone else in India. We should have more Indian Muslim women in top positions in the corporate world. Currently, they are practically non-existent outside of Muslim countries. However, to make this happen, there need to be some reforms within the community that will help the women integrate more seamlessly into the existing corporate structure.

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Picture Courtesy: The New Indian Express (July 2^nd 2024, Kerala Edition)

Quick Bytes: As a Centrist Hindu, I Did Not Find Netflix’s Maharaj Problematic

Indian politics cannot be easily categorized as “right” or “left” in the truest sense. However, it is easier for an apolitical person to understand whom you are referring to when you mention “left” (parties like CPI(M), but we generally include any non-BJP party in India) and “right” (NDA). I would call myself a centrist as I find a lot of things from both sides problematic. I can never swear allegiance to any one party, as I often look at the party’s performance and form my judgments based on that.

Now, the left-leaning crowd is naturally praising Maharaj, Netflix’s new movie starring Aamir Khan’s son, Junaid Khan. In contrast, the right-wing supporters are asking Hindus to boycott the movie. Truth be told, I haven’t read much about the Maharaj libel case, so I cannot pinpoint with utmost certainty which part of it is anti-Hindu. My opinion here is based on what I saw in the movie. Here’s why I, a centrist Hindu, did not find the movie problematic.

In Maharaj, Karsandas is portrayed as a reformist who is a practicing Hindu, but he asks questions and is not swayed easily by godmen. There is a monologue at the end where he says he fell more in love with his religion when he studied it in detail. He accuses the religious leader, Maharaj, of misusing it, misinterpreting the Sanskrit Vedas to further his vulgar agendas. This is not anti-Hindu in any manner. The court must have thought the same as well, which is why it got a clean chit.

The only material I referred to after watching the movie was a Wikipedia article on Karsandas. Interestingly, I found the following information, which was not covered in the movie.

He was deeply influenced by the English culture to an extent that he had dislike for institutional religious authority and had penchant for reading Christian sermons and later started translating English sermons & conduct manuals into Gujarati, thereby also bringing a distinctively Protestant ethic into Gujarati’s cultural world.

I am of the belief that community members and religious leaders should openly criticize the bad elements of their religion. If there is an extremist misusing and spoiling the name of your religion, why not openly oppose them? This applies to all communities. It’s only when you distance yourself from the fringe elements of religion that society truly reforms. As long as haters get support in the form of words or silence, radicals will continue to flourish.

An Ode to Lok Sabha Elections 2024 (Part 4): Four things the new coalition government should focus on

The recent election in India was proof that the BJP is not invincible. Despite the party’s considerable efforts in improving the economy, it failed to connect with the people at the grassroots level. Voters ultimately prioritized free benefits and voted based on caste and religion in rural areas, where the BJP performed poorly. These are the exact issues the government had been working to avoid because they do not contribute to India’s growth in any way.

The election outcome cannot be blamed on the voters, as it is understandable why promises of freebies and jobs with guaranteed 1 lakh salaries were more alluring than infrastructure or development, no matter how burdensome such things might prove for the exchequer. Saying no to such promises is a luxury reserved for the privileged.

It needs to be acknowledged that all political parties, not just the BJP, have played a role in fueling discontent, animosity, and disharmony among communities. It is a collective failure that we, as a society, allowed ourselves to be divided along religious lines. The INDI alliance, too, resorted to fear tactics and misinformation in the name of secularism to further their agendas. As the opposition parties relentlessly worked on propagating their “savior” image, people were quick to believe that the answer to all their solutions, like poverty and joblessness, was the INDI alliance.

I have always been of the belief that one should judge a party/politician by the work they do, not the words they utter. But unfortunately, we are quick to believe hate narratives and forget that in this big bad world of politics, there is no savior, only megalomaniacs greedy for power.

To gain back confidence, the coalition NDA government needs to pull up its socks. Things are far from gloomy for the BJP, as they still are the party with the most seats (240) in India. Congress comes a distant second with their 99 seats. However, BJP’s performance was still a big disappointment to its supporters who expected their party to get more support, especially in Uttar Pradesh, where the sacred Ayodhya temple was built after a long period of wait.

Some changes are in need of the hour. What can the Indian coalition government do to improve its performance? Here are my takes.

Don’t take success for granted

Undoubtedly, this has been the biggest lesson for the ruling party that you should never take your success for granted. The BJP became overconfident with their “400 paar” declarations, which resulted in them not doing enough groundwork.

Many reasons are mentioned for voter dissatisfaction in places like Uttar Pradesh, but the parties would have more accurate insights than us, the speculators. RSS workers allegedly did not campaign extensively or help voters reach the booth, there is also an allegation of missing votes, not enough compensation for people who lost their homes to make way for the temple, etc. Regardless of the issue, the fact remains that the BJP and RSS did not make an effort to connect with voters in rural areas and understand their issues. Instead of providing justifications, the BJP should regroup and focus on the areas where it faltered.

Outreach programs for minorities

Most Christians and Muslims I know are frightened of the BJP. This is where the opposition party made a resounding impact, albeit in a negative/divisive manner. The local politicians went around, scaring people into thinking they would be evicted if the BJP came into power. Elderly, economically disadvantaged Muslims who were approached by news channels were seen pleading to the general public with teary eyes, “Please don’t vote for the BJP. If they come into power, they will kill us.”

Who is responsible for this fearmongering? The “Hindu vs other religions” narrative has gained such solid ground that it seems next to impossible to convince minorities that Hindus mean no harm to anyone. Media, too, has a huge role to play in spreading this fear. Due to their irresponsible journalism, done solely to put Modi in a poor light, they ended up creating irreparable damage.

It became easier for the opposition to spread hatred after the emergence of the Ayodhya Temple. No one from the ruling party made an effort to explain to the minorities that these sites are as important to religious Hindus as Mecca or Medina for Muslims or the Vatican for Christians. Justice was denied to the Hindu community since the Mughal era when temples were brutally demolished to make way for mosques. A few Muslims realized this, such as the archaeologist KK Muhammed (the one who studied the site and came to the conclusion that the mosque was brazenly built over a temple) and the BJP Malappuram candidate Dr. Abdul Salam. Both of them have openly said on news channels how other communities should show empathy to “our Hindu brothers and sisters” as the community was subjected to extreme unfairness in the past, so much so that even their most sacred sites were denied to them. It takes a great deal of empathy to acknowledge someone else’s turbulent past, and you can’t help but feel gratitude for such people.

As no effort was made by the ruling party to bridge misunderstandings, political parties milked the opportunity for what its worth. Rest assured, they will continue to use the sacred temple as a tool for playing politics, further increasing the divide between Hindus and other communities. BJP should realize communication is key and work towards improving the skill to effectively clear misunderstandings.

The BJP team in Thrissur (Kerala) appeared to have been effective in their communication, which may explain why the party received Christian votes despite the opposition’s efforts to portray the Manipur issue as a communal clash. Interestingly, it was only after the elections did priests and bishops in Kerala clarified that the Manipur issue is not communal but rather ethnic. However, by that time some individuals on the ground had already done enough research to discover this on their own.

BJP often lags in countering allegations or taking strict action against the hatemongers. They never communicate their side of the story or a simple “you are safe with us,” the absence of which leads to speculations and uncertainty. They need to interact more with minorities at the ground level and induce confidence in them by clearing their misconceptions. This can come only with proper effort.

Offer financial relief to citizens

In rural areas or for those with low income, freebies are highly valued. However, it’s important to note that these freebies are often funded by taxing the middle class. The government should find a way to carefully balance the two – providing assistance to the poor without burdening the middle class. While investing in infrastructure and development projects is beneficial for the economy, it’s crucial to also provide some relief to ordinary citizens.

Avoid polarizing language

In order to gain the trust of more people, the BJP needs to use more restrained language. While Modi’s “ghuspetiyas” comment was aimed at illegal immigrants, it was twisted by the opposition for their own benefit, leading to fear-mongering.

Many people now understand that words uttered by politicians often mean nothing and are solely used as a tool to sway voters. They understand it’s a game. However, others may take it more seriously. To prevent this, simple language should be used, and the intention should be clearly specified.

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Picture Courtesy: Getty Images

An Ode to Lok Sabha Elections 2024 (Part 3): Did YouTube’s political commentators impact votes?

We have observed the significant rise of left-leaning political commentators on social media, particularly YouTubers, during this election. Dhruv Rathee and Ravish have amassed massive views, surpassing even mainstream news channels. It was believed that they would have a significant impact on the Lok Sabha Elections.

Dhruv, who typically maintains a neutral tone, noticeably shifted his approach in the months leading up to the election, embracing a more polarized political viewpoint. I use the term “polarized” because he blatantly overlooked several important issues during this time, such as the Sandeshkhali rapes in West Bengal and the Sidharthan case in Kerala, primarily because these cases put the opposition in a poor light. Personally, I felt his demeanor change from that of a regular YouTuber to that of a politician.

After months of running intense social media campaigns, were these left-leaning YouTubers successful? In a previous post, I mentioned how Dhruv Rathee is unlikely to have a significant impact on the Lok Sabha elections. The echo chamber angle aside, the answer lies in the data collected from the CSDS-Lokniti Post Poll Survey. It shows how the BJP performed well in urban areas while lagging in rural areas.

How much influence do YouTubers have in rural areas? Unless a proper survey is conducted that asks people living in villages, “Did Dhruv Rathee or any other YouTuber influence you to change your voting pattern this time?” we will never know for sure. Another way to analyze the impact is by examining video statistics. Content creators can share their video statistics, including the regions where their videos were most viewed. Did they receive significant viewership from rural areas?

Huge rallies were conducted in villages where Dhruv’s videos were played. However, it’s safe to say that people in rural areas do not vote based on social media activism. Instead, they vote based on their personal experiences, caste-based politics, and the help they receive. They are unlikely to resort to the Internet to research the pros and cons of political parties.

To summarize, any success resulting from YouTube videos should have primarily been reflected in urban areas, but that was not the case. BJP performed considerably well in cities.

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Main Picture Courtesy: Instagram/akashbanerjee.in