Losses are an unavoidable part of life. You win over some people while you lose others. However, some losses, especially the death of a parent, are permanent and leave an aching scar. Nothing can truly prepare you for this. The experience is uniquely profound in the sense that we often take our parents for granted, assuming they will always be there. When death eventually rears its ugly head, it comes as a rude shock.
I lost my father several years ago. I still vividly remember the days leading to his death. He had started losing his memory and was facing hallucinations. The doctors we consulted were unable to treat his issue effectively. As someone who has seen her father as a proactive and energetic man most of her life, this transition was unbearable. The pain and suffering of my loved ones always scared me. You feel helpless, knowing nothing you do can make them feel better. You also feel helpless witnessing their own struggle to comfort themselves.
Distance ends up helping your mental health in such circumstances, but it also brings with it a terrible amount of guilt. Some children go abroad and feel guilty for not spending enough time with their parents. I stayed near my parents, yet the guilt remained. How can you perfectly cater to your own mental health, essential for managing daily work life, while caring for an ailing loved one? It is not easy. This is the most difficult stage for any family member acting as a caregiver. We simply do not know how to navigate the situation.
My father quietly passed away one day while we were in the midst of hiring professional help for his care. It had become emotionally taxing for my mother to take care of him alone, so we needed the extra support. I guess his leaving us was his way of saying, “Don’t worry too much about me. I’m going to a better place where all my needs will be taken care of.“
People often say that time heals the pain of losing a loved one. As someone who has lived with grief for several years, I can tell you it’s a lie. You never heal from a loved one’s death; you simply make peace with it. The sadness becomes a part of you, often camouflaging itself well within the depths of your soul, but it sometimes surfaces unexpectedly. When it does, you embrace it, sit with it until the moment passes, and then carry on with your life.
The sadness travels with you like a silent, understanding companion. It doesn’t demand your attention all the time, but it never leaves you. You don’t wish for it to leave you alone, either. In this digital, robotic world, when circumstances make me feel like I am devoid of sentiments, all I have to do is think of my father. As my eyes well up, I feel relieved knowing my soul still aches from his memory. It serves as a gentle reminder that I am still a living, breathing being, capable of experiencing deep, intense emotions.
I recently completed Fredrik Backman’s Anxious People. The book is about a failed bank robbery that turns into a hostage situation during an open-house apartment viewing. The story unfolds as a group of diverse characters, each with their own personal struggles and secrets, are brought together in an unexpected and tense situation.
“Anxious People” includes dollops of humor and empathy. Backman delves into the complexities of human emotions, vulnerabilities, and how human connection and shared experiences can bind even the most distinct characters. Ultimately, humanity and kindness win.
Fredrik Backman has a knack for words. His quotes in Beartown were a class apart and remain one of the most popular pages on this blog. His writing in Anxious People is no different. In no time, he captures your heart with his words to describe emotions that are generally not easy to translate into words.
Here are some of my most favorite quotes from the book:
This story is about a lot of things, but mostly about idiots. So it needs saying from the outset that it’s always very easy to declare that other people are idiots, but only if you forget how idiotically difficult being human is.
Our hearts are bars of soap that we keep losing hold of; the moment we relax, they drift off and fall in love and get broken, all in the wink of an eye. We’re not in control.
He presses his thumbs hard against his eyebrows, as if he hopes they’re two buttons and if he keeps them pressed at the same time for ten seconds he’ll be able to restore life to its factory settings.
Because you’ve probably been depressed yourself, you’ve had days when you’ve been in terrible pain in places that don’t show up in X-rays, when you can’t find the words to explain it even to the people who love you.
At the end of your career you’re trying to find a point to it all, and at the start of it you’re looking for a purpose.
Older men rarely know what to say to younger men to let them know that they care. It’s so hard to find the words when all you really want to say is: ‘I can see you’re hurting.’
‘Do you know what the worst thing about being a parent is? That you’re always judged by your worst moments. You can do a million things right, but if you do one single thing wrong you’re for ever that parent who was checking his phone in the park when your child was hit in the head by a swing. We don’t take our eyes off them for days at a time, but then you read just one text message and it’s as if all your best moments never happened. No one goes to see a psychologist to talk about all the times they weren’t hit in the head by a swing as a child. Parents are defined by their mistakes.’
She said you can’t protect your kids from life, because life gets us all in the end.
That’s an impossible thing for sons to grasp, and a source of shame for fathers to have to admit: that we don’t want our children to pursue their own dreams or walk in our footsteps. We want to walk in their footsteps while they pursue our dreams.
There was a time when a bank was a bank. But now there are evidently ‘cashless’ banks, banks without any money, which is surely something of a travesty? It’s hardly surprising that people get confused and society is going to the dogs when it’s full of caffeine-free coffee, gluten-free bread, alcohol-free beer.
We give those we love nicknames, because love requires a word that belongs to us alone.
Good grief, no one could cope with being newly infatuated, year after year. When you’re infatuated you can’t think about anything else, you forget about your friends, your work, your lunch. If we were infatuated all the time we’d starve to death. And being in love means being infatuated … from time to time. You have to be sensible.
The problem is that everything is relative, happiness is based on expectations, and we have the Internet now. A whole world constantly asking us: ‘But is your life as perfect as this? Well? How about now? Is it as perfect as this? If it isn’t, change it!’
The worst thing a divorce does to a person isn’t that it makes all the time you devoted to the relationship feel wasted, but that it steals all the plans you had for the future.
‘And … winners earn a lot of money, which is also important, I assume? What do you do with yours?’
‘I buy distance from other people.’
The psychologist had never heard that response before. ‘How do you mean?’
‘Expensive restaurants have bigger gaps between the tables. First class on aeroplanes has no middle seats. Exclusive hotels have separate entrances for guests staying in suites. The most expensive thing you can buy in the most densely populated places on the planet is distance.’
You can always tell by the way people who love each other argue: the longer they’ve been together, the fewer words they need to start a fight.
When you’re a child you long to be an adult and decide everything for yourself, but when you’re an adult you realize that’s the worst part of it.
We can’t change the world, and a lot of the time we can’t even change people. No more than one bit at a time. So we do what we can to help whenever we get the chance, sweetheart. We save those we can.
We do our best. Then we try to find a way to convince ourselves that that will just have to … be enough. So we can live with our failures without drowning.
One of the most human things about anxiety is that we try to cure chaos with chaos. Someone who has got themselves into a catastrophic situation rarely retreats from it, we’re far more inclined to carry on even faster. We’ve created lives where we can watch other people crash into the wall but still hope that somehow we’re going to pass straight through it. The closer we get, the more confidently we believe that some unlikely solution is miraculously going to save us, while everyone watching us is just waiting for the crash.
Boats that stay in the harbour are safe, sweetheart, but that’s not what boats were built for.
Young people today. You’re so aware of how you affect your children. I heard a paediatrician say on television that a generation ago, parents used to come to him and say, “Our child’s wetting the bed, what’s wrong with him?” Now, a generation later, they come to him and say, “Our child’s wetting the bed, what’s wrong with us?” You take the blame for everything.
Nothing must happen to you
No, what am I saying
Everything must happen to you
And it must be wonderful
They say that a person’s personality is the sum of their experiences. But that isn’t true, at least not entirely, because if our past was all that defined us, we’d never be able to put up with ourselves. We need to be allowed to convince ourselves that we’re more than the mistakes we made yesterday. That we are all of our next choices, too, all of our tomorrows.
Perhaps it’s true what they say, that up to a certain age a child loves you unconditionally and uncontrollably for one simple reason: you’re theirs. Your parents and siblings can love you for the rest of your life, too, for precisely the same reason.
I don’t consider myself a shopaholic. I haven’t upgraded my phone in over 7 years or my car in over 10 years. It’s not because I can’t afford it, but because the ones I own still work perfectly. I replace items only when the current ones completely wear down, and I’m not tempted by new features in upgraded products (yet). I guess you could say I’m a capitalist’s worst nightmare.
I don’t think I am the best person to write a monthly favorites post, where I introduce a new favorite product each month. However, I do like to invest in products based on whether they fulfill a current need.
Here are some of my current favorites.
Scalp Massager
I like my monthly hair spas at the salon. I do it not to improve my hair quality or to boost hair growth but because the salon lady gives the best scalp massages. After a stressful work week, getting a good Indian scalp massage feels like paradise. This is one thing I love about India – hair spas are affordable – and you can pamper yourself with rejuvenating treatments as frequently as you like.
Of course, you don’t need to go to a salon for a scalp massage if a family member does it for you. Recently, during a visit to my mother, she treated me to a soothing scalp massage. It made me realize how wonderful it would be to have regular at-home massages. That is when I headed to Amazon to purchase a manual head massager.
While searching, I came across a new rechargeable scalp massager with silicon heads that mimic finger movements. I decided to buy one and, to my surprise, quite liked it. The silicon heads do not damage your hair and are gentle on the scalp. I was concerned whether the silicon heads would pull my hair, but thankfully no such thing happened.
There are different scalp massagers available on the market, but the one I got was the Caresmith one. My only issue with it is that only the silicone heads are washable. This means that it’s not really suitable for an oil hair massage or hair mask massage as it claims, because it’s impossible to do such massages without greasing the body of the massager.
Hot Chocolate
Now, I have had my share of hot chocolates, but Swiss Miss is by far my favorite. It caters to my taste (not extremely sweet and has a rich texture), comes in individual envelopes, and is easy to make. I first came across this brand on a k-drama. I was surprised to find it available on Amazon India. There are different varieties to choose from, but I’ve only tried the milk chocolate one.
Electric Toothbrush
I stayed away from electric toothbrushes for the longest time as I did not get the hype around them. I finally decided to invest in one and have loved the experience so far. I feel my teeth look brighter and cleaner, probably because of the consistent, circular brush movements that are difficult to emulate manually.
The one I got was Oral B because a friend’s doctor recommended it to her. But there are other affordable brands available on Amazon.
Back Rest
I enjoy reading in bed, but it’s not always comfortable. I often wished my bed had good back support. One that is flexible, so I could adjust it to sit straight or lie back as needed. That’s when I searched on Amazon for a suitable product and came across this backrest. The good thing about it is that you can use it on the floor or the bed (after removing the attached padded mat).
I came across this news today. It is comforting to know that there are members of the Muslim community in India who are fighting for unrestricted women’s education.
Samastha earlier had conveyed that a Muslim woman’s education should be encouraged but within religious restrictions. This became a point of debate across the state of Kerala, with many progressives calling it problematic. However, the most striking response came from a group within the community – the KNM. The organization is demanding that Samastha apologize for its take. KNM is not without its faults, but the stand they took on this particular issue is noteworthy.
Samastha and KNM
To the uninitiated, the “Samastha” group in Kerala refers to “Samastha Kerala Jamiyyathul Ulama,” an influential Sunni Muslim scholarly body in the state. Samastha plays a significant role in managing religious and educational institutions, including madrasas and mosques, and often issues guidelines on religious matters.
The term “Mujahids” in the context of Kerala typically refers to the Kerala Nadvathul Mujahideen (KNM), a prominent Islamic reformist organization in the state. The KNM often contrasts with traditionalist groups like Samastha, promoting a more modern interpretation of Islam, such as advocating the opening of the doors of mosques for Muslim women to enable them to offer Friday juma prayers.
Restricting Women’s Education on Religious Lines
If we connect religion with education, the progress of women in our country will be hindered. Afghanistan is a live example of this. Currently, girls in Afghanistan are generally allowed to attend school only up to the sixth grade. The Taliban, who regained control of the country in August 2021, have imposed severe restrictions on girls’ education beyond this level. Secondary education for girls (grades 7-12) has been largely suspended, and there have also been significant restrictions on female university students, including the closure of universities to women in late 2022. These measures have been widely condemned by international organizations and human rights groups. The global campaign #LetHerLearn, which advocates for Afghan women’s right to education, is gaining traction.
India is no Afghanistan. Here, women are allowed to study without restrictions regardless of religion. Women who are limited to religious studies may face challenges in the corporate world. It would severely restrict their job opportunities in a secular country like India, where well-paid corporate jobs often require you to engage with a global audience and follow strict academic and professional protocols that might not always adhere to religious lines.
Jobs cannot be built around religion in a democracy. Corporate jobs often require specific skills such as critical thinking, teamwork, leadership, and digital literacy. Religious studies may not always focus on developing these skills, which can impact the ability to perform effectively in a corporate setting.
Unfortunate Consequences
What happens when there are limited job opportunities for women due to religious restrictions? They will end up staying at home. Marriage becomes the only option. Financial independence becomes a distant dream.
It is ultimately up to the Indian Muslim woman to decide. If she wishes to pursue further studies, she should not be shamed.
Indian Muslim women deserve quality education, just like anyone else in India. We should have more Indian Muslim women in top positions in the corporate world. Currently, they are practically non-existent outside of Muslim countries. However, to make this happen, there need to be some reforms within the community that will help the women integrate more seamlessly into the existing corporate structure.
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Picture Courtesy: The New Indian Express (July 2nd 2024, Kerala Edition)
The Monkey Dilemma 
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